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May 25th, 2008, 11:54 AM
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 2
Hi I'm new to this post, not sure where my question fits in since I'm not so much venting as reconsidering things ...I'm 5 weeks pregnant, have an 18 month old toddler, and have arthritis that flares up quite a bit. Stress has a particularly bad effect on my health. I had 2 miscarriages in the past year, both began with cramps just after bad arguments with my husband. I'm trying to prevent that this time around and stay stress free as much as possible so I've begun to disengage from him a bit. My husband is usually a good guy but has two qualities that have a bad effect on me: he's emotionally unavailable (physically not that available either) and he's often angry/moody. He helps me with things around the house every now and then but he's not there for me to listen, support, cheer. He's a pretty good father, but I don't know that that is sufficient reason to stay in a relationship that leaves me feeling alone.

When I read some posts about difficult relationships I consider myself lucky...he doesn't gamble, cheat, drink or make too many plans without including me. He's around but not available in a way that I need. I must also be driving him crazy since he's happy with just pleasant small talk and not too much affection, he wonders what I'm always fussing about since he doesn't feel he's missing much. When I read posts about successful marriages, such as one on this website about "favourite things about being married" and read about cuddling in bed at night or someone who makes you laugh uncontrollably after an argument and such I feel I don't have those things I value.

His distance is one thing that might even be tolerable but I find his anger and moods to stress me out too much, especially now. When he's driving he's insulting everyone under his breath, he has a short fuse, and he rarely seems to notice anything good or beautiful. When we go on family outings he often seems bored and tuned out. Aside from this he's in quite a bit of financial debt which makes me worry I will have to meet most of the needs of our kids.

With the onset of this pregnancy I'm not feeling much strength left to deal with him. I'm not sure how to cope with all this. If I separate, I worry about my losing my daughter, about her losing a dad at home, about her growing up seeing me unhappy if I do stay (I hated seeing my own mom like that), worry about a bad flare up with two kids, etc. I have a very supportive family that would help a bit, but I just don't know what to do.

Am I expecting too much? Anyone had a similar experience?
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May 25th, 2008, 12:57 PM
sara~b's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Pittsburgh PA
Posts: 10,350
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I'm sorry it's so hard right now. You have to decide what's best for you and your children. I chose to become a single mother while pregnant and I haven't looked back. My family helps with my DD and I do what I have to do to get by. Like you I just couldn't deal with the mood swings. Have you asked your DH why his temper is so bad? Maybe he's depressed or has a mood disorder. He may just need some counseling or meds to come around again. If all else fails just know that being a single mommy isn't so bad and often times it's better for the children. If you want you are more than welcome to stop by the single mommies board and ask some questions or just lurk and get a feel for what you may be getting into. GL!
Sara, 27, married to Shane, 31, mom to Gemma, 6, and Ashlyn, born 8/7/10

Running for my health and sanity!
PR's: 5k-25:05 (old PR 25:10), 5M-45:03 (old PR - 47:22), 10k - 52:00 (approximate - training), HM-2:25:58 (ran a 2:17:36 during marathon), Full- 4:49:25 (old PR -5:49:40), 50k-7:05:56, 50M-13:31:14, 100k- 18:59:31 (old PR 20:56)
(All of these PR's are going down this season!)

My Pregnancy Chart: http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/1c6297
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May 27th, 2008, 03:53 PM
in_mommy's Avatar I am just me
Join Date: Mar 2004
Posts: 14,873
(((HUGS))) I am sorry you are feeling this way. I have a friend who feels very much the same as you. Her DH works a lot of crazy hours and is gone days at a time and then he wonders why their relationship has changed so much. I guess you need to look into your heart and decide what you need to do for you.
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May 29th, 2008, 01:48 PM
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 2
Thanks for your support gals, I've been dealing with light spotting and cramping the past 2 days and even though the docs say it sounds like nothing to worry about I'm still kind of obsessing about it (since I've had 2 m/c). My hubby has been pretty good to me these days, perhaps because I had a talk to him about stress and miscarriages. Hope it lasts. I've decided to stop working on things so much and make him such a priority, it's been a year of figuring things out and trying this or that approach... if he stresses me out and I end up feeling better on my own then that is the way I will go, if it feels good to be around him then I'll stay with him.
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June 10th, 2008, 07:51 PM
in_mommy's Avatar I am just me
Join Date: Mar 2004
Posts: 14,873
How are things going now?? Did the cramping stop?? Are you ok??
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