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Need help/advice on DH

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June 15th, 2008, 10:58 AM
melshaz@earthlnk.net's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 2,398
Just popping in from the Aug. DDC. I needed a place to find some advice and thought perhaps this was the place so hopefully someone can help me out and give me advice.

This is my first pregnancy. Before the pregnancy my husband was always very loving towards me. We had a wonderful relationship. I really thought that once we conceived our first child things would only get better. Instead, while I would say we still have a good relationship, things have drastically changed. He seems closed off from me at times. He doesn't look at me in the same way. I've gained some weight - more than I thought I would so perhaps that is the case, but it hurts that this could cause such a change in him. We haven't been as intimate as we used to be. He seems not even to be interested in me in that way anymore. When he gets home he is quick to flare up with me when I'm only asking for help around the house or asking him to pick up his things. I'm sure I'm more "nagging" than I ever used to be but as I've explained to him it's only because I can no longer do these things myself. Regardless he seems to be less than understanding.

Outside of all of this, he doesn't seem to be as excited as I am about the baby. He gets weirded out when he feels my belly and the baby kicks or he can see the baby moving inside of me. I don't expect him to be as excited as I am about baby stuff either, but he seems at times to not even care.

I guess because I have never gone through this before I'm not sure if this is normal or not. Perhaps many men go through this and I'm sure that once the baby is born he will be more excited and perhaps even be more loving and responsive to me but I'm worried because I don't really know if this will be the case. What if things get worse? What if the space between us only grows as the baby will take up 99% of my time?

Does anyone have any advice out there? people who have gone through something similar?
Any advice is appreciated!

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June 16th, 2008, 07:24 AM
mommywannabe's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Indiana
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Oh huney. I'm really sorry your going through this. I didnt have the exact same experience as you, but it was similar.
When DH and I finally got pregnant with DS we had been trying for a year and a half. We were super excited and immediately DH wanted to start doing all of the housework, cooking, cleaning, ect. He didnt want me lifting a finger. After I talked some sense into him and made him realize I could still do almost everything but would need more help as I got further along, he came back to reality. However, in the beginning he started to become distant. He was upset because I was SO sick and the only thing I could really do for the first 3 1/2 months was lay around the house. He became frusterated because the housework started to pile up and I no longer wanted to have sex. I mean, I couldnt stop throwing up! He even went as far to say that if he had KNOWN it was gonna be like that, he would never have wanted to get pregnant in the first place and that if that was how it was going to be then he definitely didnt want anymore kids! That totally broke my heart! After I got past the morning sickness stage and started to feel better and get back to my old self. I talked to him about it. I told him how much he was hurting me by acting the way he was. It was hard for him to develop the kind of bond I had already developed with the baby because all he could do was watch me grow. Being at the gender ultrasound helped a lot, he finally saw that he was going to be the daddy to a wonderful son. He got a little more interactive at that point, talking to my belly and rubbing it. But NOTHING could have prepared me for the way he would change when DS was born. It was amazing. He has been the most wonderful father, better than I ever could have dreamed. And....surprisingly enough, he WANTED to start trying for another baby at the beginning of the year! And we were blessed to get pregnant on the first month. Now we are having another baby boy due in October. This pregnancy hasnt been as hard on me as my first was. But DH still has his moments of being moody and distant. But we talk it over and I remind him how I am feeling and how hard it is being pregnant and having a one year old. He also tells me his concerns and feelings and those are what usually causes him to be quick to snap at me or get angry over little things. It really helps talking things out!

I know this is all very new and hard for you. But trust me, when the baby gets here, your DH is going to turn to MUSH! Right now it is all new for him also. He's never seen you pregnant, he's never experienced you being moody or not being able to do certain things. Plus, I'm sure he's concerned about caring for a baby. Even the most financially stable couple who planned out everything about having a baby can become a little stressed at the thought of how much money babies cost! I know my DH stressed a lot at first because he didnt realize how much the baby would be costing. Totally worth it, btu he still stressed after we'd tried for a year and a half! LOL. Men are just strange creatures. I would just try talking to him, try explaining how all of this is making you feel and then ask him how he's feeling. Ask him if there is any concerns he has that he'd like to talk about. Just knowing that you are there for him and that you really care about what HE's feeling will help. We pregnant women get all the attention during those 9 months...all anyone cares about is how we are doing and how the baby is doing. Which can make daddy feel really left out, like all he was good for was making the baby. So try to make him feel special too and see how things turn out. And even if he just doesnt quite come around during the pregnant, I promise once he sees that tiny baby for the first time, he'll be a changed man forever!!

Good luck sweety!
Mommy to 3 little monsters: "T" - 8 years old, "A" - 7 years old, & "Q" - 2 years old

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June 16th, 2008, 09:25 AM
melshaz@earthlnk.net's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 2,398
Thank you. That's really helpful to know that I'm not alone. I posted in my DDC about this topic too and was surprised to find that other women are going through this if they haven't gone through it already with another child. I was really beginning to worry but even yesterday my DH went to go play tennis and apparently blow off some steam. He came home and was more loving and supportive. I guess I just have to consider the fact that he may be feeling left out or jealous and that this IS a big change for him too. I hope that things get better after my son arrives and we get back to the place we once were although I know our lives will never be quite the same. I'm okay with that.

Congratulations on your new child! And thank you again for the advice.

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June 30th, 2008, 03:55 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Austin TX
Posts: 3,742
My DH and I grew so far apart when I was pregnant and getting big that I often thought about leaving. And we did infertility treatments and tried keeping a pregnancy for 5 years prior to this one. It didn't get better when our baby was born. I finally started going to a therapist. I found that I was acting different towards him as well so it was just one big circle of chicken and egg but I just had to put all behind me and start over, forgiving him of what I felt to be emotional abandonment. I've only come to this understanding of our situation 11 months later. Things are good again so my advice to you is to take care of you first your hubby will come around.
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June 30th, 2008, 07:30 PM
in_mommy's Avatar I am just me
Join Date: Mar 2004
Posts: 14,873
For me, we grew apart AFTER having the baby(s). I was always busy doing this that or the other with the baby/kids and then he is always working and NEVER around, and now its like we are room mates more than anything now and our relationship is really in a tough spot. I mean there is more to our problems right now than just that though.
Just take care of yourself and take it easy. Sometimes hormones would get the best of me and I would get a bit bossy, and so I would stop and think about it a bit and re-ask him whatever it was I wanted. Hang in there, he will come around!! Seems like a lot of guys do this.
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July 1st, 2008, 06:46 AM
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Just a thought, but maybe his sudden mood change doesn't have anything to do with you. Perhaps he's stressed out because he's about to become a father. Having a child is a big responsibility and some men go into panic mode because now they have a child to provide for and duty to their family. Once they become a parent, they feel that they are losing a bit of their independence because now they have other people to think about and who rely on them. Not saying that he's having any kind of regrets, but becoming a father is a big wake up call. For both parents, when you're about to have a baby, you worry about money and providing for the child, how things are going to change, are you going to be a good parent...it's a very nervous, anxious, and excited time and emotions are pretty high for both.
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