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July 24th, 2009, 05:28 AM
StephanieJune1989's Avatar Veteran
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Bakersfield, CA
Posts: 107
He quit his job at Albertson's in September, when I was 4 months pregnant. He said he got a new job at GFI, Global Freedom Insurance. All he had to do was take an online 30-hour class and pass a test. He failed the test. Even if he had passed the test, the job was commission only, so he wouldn't have made any money because no one wants to buy life insurance right now. Our daughter is going to be 6 months old on August 5, and he still doesn't have a job. He sleeps in until after noon and then he sits on the couch and plays video games until 4:00 am. He doesn't help me keep the apartment clean. He only feeds and changes the baby in between games and he hands her to me when she's crying. He never gives her a bath. He isn't even filling out job applications, let alone going to interviews. We got married on June 20, so we have only been married for 34 days and our marriage is already falling apart. I started to have doubts in April and May but by then the wedding was already paid for and the invitations were already sent (to my side of the family anyway; he sent his later because he procrastinated). We find something to fight about everyday. Today we fought about multiple things. We are supposed to go to a murder mystery dinner at church on Saturday. I already paid $40 for the tickets. I am supposed to be Ava Gardner and my husband is supposed to be Frank Sinatra. However, we have to get a babysitter. I already asked my 17-year-old sister to babysit and she said yes. My husband said no he doesn't want my sister to babysit our daughter because he doesn't like her. He wants his step-father to babysit our daughter instead. The day we moved into our apartment together, October 17, was also the day my mother-in-law attempted to serve her husband with divorce papers and my husband agreed with her and wanted her to divorce his step-father and wanted him out of their lives. However, he begged and pleaded with her to change her mind so she did because they're Catholic. The reasons they were going to get a divorce were A) he hit her and B) he lost his job after he hit her because he didn't show up for work for 3 days because he was in jail for hitting her. She dropped the charges, but he never did get another job until she tried to divorce him months later. And now all of a sudden he's a changed man, a saint, just because he finally got a job. He still creeps me out. So I don't want him to babysit my daughter. I still take her to their house to visit; I even visit with them myself and pretend like I don't care about what he did anymore than the rest of the family does (my husband has three younger siblings who are all under 18). I even let my mother-in-law babysit her. I just don't want my father-in-law to be alone with her. And I have good reasons for that. But my husband just doesn't like my sister just because he is prejudiced against her because he thinks she's a spoiled stuck-up preppie rich girl or something. And I'm like, hello? She is my SISTER! If SHE is a spoiled stuck-up-rich girl than SO AM I! So that was what our main fight was about this afternoon. And then after I cried for like half an hour he apologized and spent the rest of the day trying to make it up to me by taking care of Melody and watching Numbers on Netflix with me. But then tonight he gets mad at me for hiding his DS and won't go to bed with me. My aunt and uncle are coming over at 10:30 to visit their grand-niece and he wants to sleep on the couch even though we both know he's not going to wake up before our company arrives. Just because I hid his DS. I don't know what to do with him anymore. I pay all of the bills out of my savings. What are we going to do when my savings is gone? Neither of us has a college degree. I could get a job, but then who would take care of the baby and clean the apartment? I have left her alone with him for an hour or two, but never an entire 8-hour work day. He waits until she is crying so hard she has tears streaming down her face before he puts his game controller down and picks her up or makes her a bottle or changes her diaper or whatever it is she needs. Or he'll just get up, stick the pacifier in her mouth, and then go back to his game, even though he has not met her need. How can I leave her alone with him? How can I not get a job? What if no one will hire me because I don't have any work experience? What should I do? I am too tense to sleep. I have to be awake and ready to go in 5 hours. I am at a total loss. :( Sorry if this is a long vent, but that is what the venting room is for, right?

Stephanie, wife to Chris, mommy to Melody June, born 2/5/2009

Last edited by StephanieJune1989; July 24th, 2009 at 05:37 AM.
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July 24th, 2009, 08:17 AM
sunshine411's Avatar Let's go MAVS!!!!
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Where everything is bigger....
Posts: 5,894
I would say get a job now, while you have savings. Find a daycare or relative you trust to watch your daughter and start putting more money into savings and tell him he can either shape up or ship out. You have one good thing in your favor right now, you have savings. Many start out with nothing. Take some of the savings and pay for a babysitter while you work. Give him a deadline to get a job too. If he doesnt then you and your daughter are gone.

I know this sounds harsh, but I read your post and I dont see anywhere in there where he is helping with your daughter, the household, providing, anything. A marriage is supposed to be two people building a life together, not one person keeping it afloat while the other sits up top lounging about.

Some may stay you need to try to make it work for your daughter, and I agree, try. That does not mean you have to sit around and wait for him to drain you of everything emotionally and financially. Act now and tell him you want him to be on this journey with you, but if hes not going to, you are not going to wait around for him. Your daughter deserves more than what he is giving right now and so do you.

Hopefully when he sees you going forward whether he is there or not it will be a wake up call for him and he will get his act together. New marriage and new babies are hard and stressful. I understand that, but he needs to get it into gear and help out, or be left out.

I hope he comes around and things start to get a lot better for you. GL

ps, If you are at the point where you are hiding his video games from him like a child, that should be a big red flag to you right there.
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August 2nd, 2009, 08:05 PM
in_mommy's Avatar I am just me
Join Date: Mar 2004
Posts: 14,873
I totally agree with what the PP said! How are things going now?? Any changes? You really need to talk to him ASAP!! I would not be letting the FIL with the baby either!!
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August 3rd, 2009, 08:09 AM
Ima's Avatar
Ima Ima is offline
Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 741
i am saddened to hear about your situation and the PPs are correct. A marriage is hard enough with both ppl pulling their weight but with one???? how can you even tolerate being near him? I would have been disgusted a long time ago.

If he wont get a job, kick him out. if he wont leave move out and start keeping your money for you and your daughter. hes a grown man, he can fend for himself.......... he needs a good kick up the backside IMO

ps. FIL hits his wife ...helllooooo???? i wouldnt let him near my kid..

Dx - unicornuate uterus - ask me, i am not shy
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August 7th, 2009, 01:30 PM
Maitri's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 2,262
It sounds like your husband is having depression issues. He might also have a video gaming addiction. Which sounds silly, but some people are prone to it - there have been cases of people seriously neglecting their children in order to play video games.

If you're paying any monthly fees for him to play his games, stop. Get a job and find someone to watch your daughter. I think he has figured if you married him acting like this, you're accepting his behavior.

You need to have a sit-down with him where you ask him to let you talk without interrupting. Let it all out - how you feel, that you've considered leaving, etc. Then let him talk without interrupting him. Talk over everything and anything. If at the end of that he still hasn't changed, you may need to think about changing your situation.
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