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Dh is wearing me out.

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August 4th, 2009, 05:36 PM
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My dh is wearing me out.. I really get tired just thinking about him.
Im tired of asking him to stop swearing,name calling, to do things with our girls, to help.. Hes very selfish at times. he knows that hes hurting me and still keeps doing it. He'll say sorry at times.. tells me he loves me and then the next day were back at square one.

I do love him and I know he loves me in someway.. But if he loves me whys it so hard to show respect for me. I try to make him happy. But still I get talked to like im some worthless,meaning less thing. He knows he hurts me.. and still he doesnt seem to care about the way im feeling..

Ive tried to explain to him and talking to him about the way I feel.. But dh wont talk about problems.. he tell me to stop going on and to be quiet and do what he says and he'll change. Or im the one thats got to change.

I'm really stuck.. I just dont know what to do. Really we have tried counseling.. dh hates it. There so much more into all of this I couldn't write or explain everything to you ladies to get a better picture.

I dont want to separate.. I dont think I could deal with how hard it would be and how much I would hurt because of it.

But then somedays I dont know how much I can take of all of this. I dont want to end up hating him or end up with bad depression.
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August 4th, 2009, 06:26 PM
stardusthealer's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: New Brunswick, Canada
Posts: 642
I have been in your situation.. and it lasted for 13 yrs until this past April when we finally decided to separate. Men like him don't change unless you make them and if they won't then all you can do is hold your head up high knowing you tried your best.
I can honestly say being separated isn't as bad as you would think. My kids are happier living with me and just seeing there father every second weekend. He is a much better father then he ever was when we were a couple. Your dh won't show you respect until you show him you won't put up with his disrespect. My x dh started seeing the wife of a co worker 2 days after we decided to separate. He showed me disrespect while we were together and continued after we separated until I told him I would not tolerate any disrespect whether we are together are not. You do not want your daughters growing up and thinking the way he treats them and you is okay. You and your girls deserve to be treated well.
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August 5th, 2009, 12:25 AM
Cheet_oh's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 9,888
I totally agree with stardusthealer. I was in the same situation for 12 years and with three kids. My ex wasn't going to change, he had plenty of time to do it. I know he still loves me and I know he realizes he's messed up, but you can only hurt someone so much before that person doesn't take it anymore. Like stardusthealer, I couldn't allow my boys to think that's how you treat a woman and I couldn't allow DD to think this is how men treat women, especially her dad.

He continued to disrespect me after we were separated, then divorced. I don't talk to him anymore, I'm remarried and the kids are so much happier, as am I.

Good luck with your decision I wish you happiness and peace in all that you do.

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August 5th, 2009, 01:31 PM
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 4
I usually only lurk on these boards and don't respond, but I really wanted to respond to this post because I am going through the same thing. I just left my husband after only 4 years for the same thing. I couldn't handle the treatment. And, I started to know that it was affecting my relationship with my son, when my three-year-old started to mimic his father and say some of the same things to me that he heard his dad say. I couldn't handle him growing up, thinking that is how you treat people. My husband still says stuff occassionally, but he has stopped saying things in front of our son, especially after he heard our son repeat something he said. I think that was the wake-up call for him. Things have been much better since I left. My husband and I are much more comfortable living apart than fighting all the time. In the end, you have to make a decision that is right for your family. I know how hard it is. Only you know what is best for your family. Good luck with your decision.
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August 7th, 2009, 01:18 PM
Maitri's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 2,262
It can be a question of maturity and self-esteem. Men who don't treat others well often don't think very highly of themselves. And immature men don't cherish their relationships and families. If he's not too young as to possibly grow out of it (under 25 or so), and he won't go to counseling (probably because they tell him he's wrong to behave this way), maybe you will need to have a trial separation. Who knows.

Good luck!
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August 14th, 2009, 09:16 PM
in_mommy's Avatar I am just me
Join Date: Mar 2004
Posts: 14,873
(((HUGS))) How are things now?? I know what you mean as well
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August 27th, 2009, 06:22 PM
mom2more's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 2,692
You can keep telling him how you feel but he will not change because he knows what he can get away with. You need to show him your serious (and you need to be ready to leave if he does not change!)

My ex was the same way. He was hurtful in things he said to me and in his actions. When our son was only a few months old I kept warning him that I was not going to tolerate his behaviors any longer. Then one day I left. After that he was begging me to return and I did not. He really tried after that to change but I had just lost my feelings for him by then. Being away from him made me realize that I was happier on my own (well staying with family at the time).

I think a big motivator was advice I got from a wise friend.....keep track for a month of days you consider good days with your spouse. At the end of the month if the bad days outweigh the good days you know its time for a change.

10 years later I am a college graduate, happily remarried, and my ex treats me with the utmost respect.
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