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I feel like the outsider w/kids and husband

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October 18th, 2009, 10:37 PM
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 10
This is my first time posting anything.
I am very glad I found this place.
I am hoping that ANYONE has either felt this way before or has any insight to share with me.

On the outside , we look like a nice happy family - I don't really feel like I can talk to anyone about this. I am a SAHM - so I know the whole "daddy daddy daddy" routine is normal.
But just once I would like to feel like my kids like me half as much as they love their dad.
Don't get me wrong, he is a great guy - I remember - but my DH , my DD , and my DS are like the 3 musketeers. I always feel like I am the one worried about rules, manners,
to be honest, I don't even really know how to have fun with them anymore,
I feel like the odd man (woman) out.
Other examples,
fight over who gets to sit next to dad at restaurants, movies etc.
It makes me sad - more so every day....

Sometimes when I talk to my husband about it , he tries to make them be with me... which makes me feel even worse.
I can't even help them w/their HW, they just want Daddy's way (and I was a teacher)
I feel like the bad babysitter that kids never want.

Has anyone ever felt this way?
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October 19th, 2009, 02:00 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,392
Hi there -- I've never been in your situation...but my SIL was and she had three little ones that did the same thing. My brother was never the rule maker...so she had to make and inforce the rules, handle bedtimes, bathtimes, etc.....and when dad would get home it was like "oh look, fun dad is home"!

She ended up doing two things I believe helped a lot. The first was to sit my brother down and they came up with a plan where my brother became more vocal on inforcing the household rules. When he got home in the evenings...he was responsible for the discipline...and things like bedtimes, eating their veggies, etc.

The second thing she did was made an effort to drop some of her "rules" during the day and make specific time to just have fun with them. I would go over and catch her covered in paint from head to toe because they were all doing finger painting...or she would have themed days like "pajama" day or crazy hat day...and she really went out of her way to have fun and doing away with her normal household rules about messes or schedules.

Now the kids of course still yell "Daddy, Daddy, Daddy" when he comes home in the evenings...because that's what happy kids who love their dad do. But when she went away one weekend and came home on a Sunday evening...she found out the kids were yelling "Mommy, mommy, mommy" when she got home. She says that's when she realized that it's not about the kids loving their dad more or liking him better...he's always just the "new" at the end of the day.

I'm not sure if any of this helps you...but just remember that it's not a competition between you and your husband. Trust me, you are the kids' stability -- you are with them most of the time and probably do a great job of dividing your time with them...so they don't feel like they have to "fight" for that extra attention from you. If your kids are happy and excited when your husband walks through the door...then you are obviously doing something right!

I hope things turn around for you! Maybe come up with a plan with your DH so he can support you -- without "pushing" the kids to include you. Sounds like you have a terrific family! Good luck!

Oh - and welcome to Just Mommies!

Thank you KimberlyD0 for my wonderful siggy!!!

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October 19th, 2009, 02:33 PM
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 10
Thanks Denise for sharing your story. It helps so much to know that someone else has been in the same boat.
I will def. have another talk with DH about this, because, although I am sure he knows how I feel, he may not realize the depth of the hurt, so we will talk about some of those ideas.
I know it's not a competition between us, but in the moment it just feels like I'm losing out.
add to it that I need to learn to be so uptight,
baby steps :-)
Thank you so much!!!!!!!
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October 19th, 2009, 08:13 PM
in_mommy's Avatar I am just me
Join Date: Mar 2004
Posts: 14,873
Welcome to the board!!! Sorry to see your first post to have to be here, but I am glad your here!!
I have felt that way too!! I am home with them all day. I provide the structure, the rules, the everything. He works LONG hours and has school, so when he is around, which they usually only see him on Wednesday evenings, Thurs and Friday all day and then every other weekend. So he rarely puts his foot down or has them following the rules, therefore when daddy is around mommy doesn't exist. It used to bother me like you, but now I am just whatever, it gives me a break from them. Sure I would like to feel like they cared about me too when he is around, but I just try to remember that they are only like this because they rarely see him. There are days when it does really bother me, and I will comment to DH about it. He then tries to get them involve me in whatever, but usually it doesnt work. So I have no great advice for you about it, but just know your not the only 1 who has ever felt like this. (((HUGS)))
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family, mom issues, sad

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