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November 4th, 2009, 11:40 PM
pautumnsun's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Boston Ma
Posts: 1,226
Hi, I am sitting here crying because I am so sad about my relationship with my foster daughter. She never was legally my foster daughter but I was her main caretaker for 5 years. I taught her how to ride a bike. I got her involved in cheerleading, baketball, singining, and ice skating. We were always very close. She came into my life when she was seven years old. Her mom and I were very good friends. My foster daughters dad had an affair and moved out. My friend and I became roomates. My friend was very sick so I took care of my foster child. I shared so many wonderul times with her those five years. One of my fondest memories is throwing her a halloween themed birthday party for her ninth birthday. She loved it and it made my heart glad. We also loved to sing in the car. I would invite her friends over for game nights or art projects. She was a good kid despite the fact her parents were unavailable. It broke my heart everytime her dad would say he would come over for a visit and then not show up. She was quite the talker and she had many friends. She also has a beautiful singing voice. When she was twelve her mom was so sick that she had to live in a hospital. I had not legal rights and so her father won custody an he moved her out of state. I was crushed. He allowed me to have her during school vacations and for the summer breaks, I was thankful for that but it was so hard not to see her everyday. This arrangement continued until she was sixteen and then she got feed up and ran away to her aunts. Her aunt took her in but was verbally abusive. My foster daughter felt trapped and alone. Her mother and father abandoned her and her aunt gave her tons of gifts but lots of emotional abuse. So a month before her 18th birthday she asked me if she could move in with me. Of course I said yes but it ended up being a mistake. My apartment was too small for her, her boyfriend, my 3 year old autistic son, and myself. I have a 2 bedroom apartment. My life was very structured and my apartment very clean. When she moved in with her boyfriend my house tuned topsy turvy. She had a difficult time dealing with my sons behaviors and she would not pitch in with the housework. She was very messy and it was hard for me. I wanted her to be happy and I tried to get her what she needed but it was not enough. She was very sad and is very sad but she wont get help. I made sure she got her GED and gave her forms for health insurance but she took no initiative. She was not the happy bubbly girl I remembered. I felt like I had to wald on egg shells in my own house. I got her a cat because I know how she loves them but that only added fuel to the fire. My son Aidan was not very gentle. He loved the cat but was at times a bit rough. A couple of weeks before I asked her to leave Aidan decided to hug the cat to roughly and my foster daughter flipped she grabbed my son of the cat and screamed in his face. That was the last straw. I couldnt live like this. I asked her to leave. I cried about it for weeks and I still do from time to time. I hate that I abandoned her like her parents did. I was the safe person but I left her too. I told her it wansnt her that I just needed my space and it was too difficult to have all these people living in a small apartment and that Aidan was having a difficult time coping. She lived with me from October 2008 to March 2009. I have attempted to call and visit but she wont have anything to do with me. She always remembers my birthday but she did not call. She did said Aidan a card for his birthday wich I thought was very nice. Well anyway she just turned 19 on Nov 1. I went to her apartment with a birthday card with money and a small gift for her boyfriend. She was home. She refused to answer the door. I feel so sad and I dont know what to do. I am also angry. Part of me wants to say fine and just walk away but I cant. I love her. She is my daughter. I will keep on showing her that I am here but each time I try to reach out and she slams the door and breaks my heart. What should I do. Should I continue to do what I am doing. I am giving her a lot of space and occasionally writting small notes that I am thinking about her and that no matter what I will be here for you or should I just walk away. I hate that this is so painful. Thank you for listening.
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November 5th, 2009, 07:48 PM
in_mommy's Avatar I am just me
Join Date: Mar 2004
Posts: 14,873
(((HUGS))) I am sorry that your having to go through this. I think you did make the right decision of asking her to leave as much as I am sure you didn't want to do it. The changes that she has went through were totally out of your control so do not feel guilty for how things went for her. I think just letting her know she is still important to you would be nice, like sending her a just thinking of you card once in a while. I don't think you should be heading down to her house trying to make contact with her, I think you should let her make the first move when she is ready. Just keep the line open for her.
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November 6th, 2009, 01:22 PM
pautumnsun's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Boston Ma
Posts: 1,226
Thank you so much Jenn

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