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August 26th, 2010, 11:41 AM
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: NJ
Posts: 60
i am a horrible mother. i wish i was totally infertile and had an excuse to have not had a child. i totally can't handle this. i'm already on antidepressants that aren't working. i just want to get away from all of this. he cries, i cry. he screams, i scream. i can't do anything for him that's right. i don't even want to be around him anymore. I feel empty inside when he cries and don't even act/feel like a real mother should act/feel. I want to run away from everying, leave him with my husband and just disappear forever. i want my life back and can't cope with the reality that i'm never going to. i'm doing everything i can to get ready to go back to work in 10 day, bought new clothes and cooking in advance, and yet i still think my nightmare is only going to get worse. i try to throw myself into what i think a good mother should do, act like a good mother should act but know it's all fake and that makes me feel even worse. i hate my body, myself, my life.

BFP 9/4/09 - Michael John born 5/5/10
ectopic w/tube closure 3/24/09, 8w0d
2nd m/c 12/27/08, 5w2d
1st m/c 10/12/08, 4w6d
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August 26th, 2010, 11:51 AM
MzzMommaD's Avatar Sibe Momma
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Kennewick WA
Posts: 1,231
I'm sorry it is difficult for you right now. Have you tried to talk to a professional? When I first had my son, with everything going on around me, i had some terrible thoughts. It takes time to adjust to such a drastic change in your life, your body, your hormones. Dont give up. Your husband and baby need you, and I'm sure soon enough you will see just how much you need them too. Perhaps antidepressants are not the meds you need? Especially if they are not helping? But hang in there, talk to someone, get some help. Its ok to be confused, angry, lost especially right after having a baby. Just remember, some of this could be from the huge hormonal difference in your body.

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August 27th, 2010, 02:55 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: New Orleans
Posts: 2,162
I am really sorry you're going through this right now. I can only imagine how difficult it must be. I had post-partum depression, and it was terrible. (I also had depression before my preg. and I am still struggling with it). You feel guilty for the things you're feeling and thinking. And that guilt on top of the depression and stress is just too overwhelming to deal with yourself. You are NOT a horrible mother for feeling this way. Please try to remember that.

How long have you been on your anti-dep? Have you seen a psychiatrist or did you get it from your GP? If you haven't been to a psychiatrist, it may be a better option. They will try different medicines, doses, or combinations of meds and find something that will work for you. Usually, GPs don't follow-up and see how you are doing on your anti-dep.

Do you have friends or family that can help you (babysit, etc)? You need help and you need support. Try not to feel guilty about it... I know that's very hard, but you shouldn't feel guilty. You need to take care of yourself before you can take care of your baby. If you're not healthy, you will not be available physically or emotionally for your baby.

You're not alone.. there is also a PPD forum and a Mental Health forum on these boards where you can talk to others in the same position.

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August 29th, 2010, 02:11 PM
LisaB's Avatar Mom to twins + 1
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Carmel, CA
Posts: 5,872
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Just wanted to send hugs. You sound really stressed and overwhelmed. A baby changes everything, you are told this before you have the baby, but it doesn't really hit home until baby arrives, does it? It does sound as if your feelings of being overwhelmed are coming from depression and those whacko pregnancy/post-pregancy hormones. I hope you talk to your doctor and are insistent about new meds. Good luck, I'll be thinking of you!

Me: Lisa, Mommy to twins +1
8/5/08 Beautiful twin girls Leigh and Lucy born after 4-year struggle with RPL & 6 losses
12/10/09 Surprise! Baby #3 is on the way, EDD 6/22/10

12/29/09 2nd ultrasound - joining team blue

6/16/10 Baby Ben is born!

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August 30th, 2010, 11:01 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: New Orleans
Posts: 2,162
Originally Posted by LisaB View Post
J A baby changes everything, you are told this before you have the baby, but it doesn't really hit home until baby arrives, does it?
I was JUST thinking about this yesterday... My mom kept telling me how hard and stressful it is, etc, etc... and I was like "I know, but I'm ready!!" but I don't think anyone is ever really ready!! It's definitely a LOT tougher than I ever thought it would be =(

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September 1st, 2010, 06:36 PM
Maitri's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 2,262
It's so hard at first. I have yet to meet a mom who didn't feel this way at some point.

Zoloft is my lifeline. If your antidepressany isn't working, talk to your OB about trying a different one. All antidepressants are not created equal.

I also think you might want to consider talking to a professional. If your hormones are out of whack, it is NOT your fault.

And you are NOT a bad mama!!! You are doing the best you can.
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