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February 1st, 2012, 12:47 AM
Alaska-Su's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Fairbanks, AK
Posts: 2,352
I'm wondering if maybe anyone would know how to get my mom to stand up for herself (as well as ranting on her behalf ).

My mom met her hubby in 2001 and they married in 2008. In 2002 my mom moved in with him which meant I had to as well, seeing as I was 15. Things seemed fine at first but of course the longer she lived with him the more stuff just came out.

It started with him saying she shouldn't be drinking caffeine and so he began to ween(sp?) her off of it. That was kind of okay because it did help her sleep better at night. But then it turned into him not allowing her to put up any of her pictures of me and my sisters or any sort of decorations she liked. Everything on the walls and in the house was his. It took her a while but it finally upset her enough that she cried about feeling like a guest in the house so he let her put some stuff up.

Other things like him throwing away a brand new key holder she had just bought, claiming he thought it was trash; taking some chocolate she'd just bought to work and handing it out because he didn't want chocolate in the house (although it was carb smart stuff); allowing her 1/5 of the closet space in a closet that took up an entire 12 foot wall while he had stacks upond stacks of jeans and well over 100 hangers with shirts he never wore and all of it he refused to give/throw away.

They began building a house together to have more room and my mom thought everything would be better after they finished it and moved in, but it just seems to have gotten worse. Now there are two garages and my mom isn't allowed to store her things in either of them, nor is she allowed to store anything in the space below the house. He refuses to take his tools and other house building equipment out of the main room in the house even though he hasn't touched the stuff in over a year. He won't allow her to hang anything on the walls unless she can get those hooks you stick to the wall, despite the fact that he reinforced several studs throughout the house just for things like pictures and curtains.

While a lot of his money went into the house, it'll be my mom's money going into decorating but the guy refuses to compromise on anything. He says no to everything my mom picks out until she picks out what he wants her to pick. She was supposed to have control of the decorating but each time she brings something new home to put up, he complains about it every day until she takes it back. She bought nice soap dispensers for the bathrooms and a few days later he came home with these black plastic and silver metal automatic ones and put them one in each bathroom.

My mom says she still feels like a guest in the house and has even admitted to regretting ever moving in with him.

Besides the house stuff the man suddenly got back into growing pot because family friends of ours were growing some and since he used to grow it when it was legal to do so and to smoke it, he got competative and wanted to outdo them. The room in the new garage that was supposed to be my mom's one place to store things became the growing room. And even though he now has it down to only two plants, he's filled the room with his other crap like spare buckets and whatnot. Now, because he has the pot, he's begun smoking it and at one point he got so bad that over a weekend trip out of town, he had to come back early because he was going through withdrawls so badly he was fussing at my mom every time she opened her mouth and then had a fever and the shakes and was puking. My mom can't take any trips with him out of state now because he can't go without his pot.

She won't even speak to him until he's smoked some first thing in the morning, otherwise he yells at her over stupid things. One morning I was woken up by him rasing his voice at her, talking to her condescendingly all because he wanted to drink coffee out of a 4oz cup and instead of showing her the cup he was talking about he was yelling at her for minutes on end about how their coffee cups were too big and she didn't understand what size cup he wanted.

He also has to smoke some as soon as he gets home or else he's grouchy. Another part to the pot smoking is that he smokes it in the utility room of the house because the outgoing air vent is in there. Only thing is that the smell still gets sucked through the house and it smells terrible. While I was pregnant there was the strongest smell in my room of garlic I've ever smelled and yet nothing was being cooked. I come to find out that he and his friend were smoking in the utility room.

One night he was being nice and was on the floor playing with my son while he was on his playmat and when I picked my baby up afterwards he reeked of whisky and pot. I was so p*ssed! I won't allow the guy to hold my son because #1) I don't like him and #2) when he's home he's usually had a drink or smoked something and so smells.

I told my mom that I want her to be William's guardian should I die but on the condition that her husband take the pot stuff to the garage and keep it all out of the house and away from William. She came back to me a few days later and told me I should probably think of naming my middle sister guardian because she doubt her husband will ever do that. She was very near tears as she told me this.

Other than that, the guy just talks down to my mom when she doesn't understand what he's talking about. Instead of rephrasing something, he just repeats himself but pretty much yells it and the tone suggest he thinks she's stupid. He's very disrespectful of her. Then, the other night, his brother and his wife were staying here and they all got drunk and he and his brother were in the utility room yelling at each other. After several minutes of it, my mom tries to get them to stop by getting her husband to think of something else. She calls to him from upstairs, asking him to come check see if he thinks what's in the sky are the northern lights because she's not sure. He yells at her, "What the f*ck to I care about northern lights!" This upset her quite a bit, but being the way she is, instead of confronting him about it then or the next day, or even just giving him the cold shoulder, she acts as if nothing is wrong.

That's how she is with everything. She's just given up trying to make him be respectful to her. Once she got so mad at something he said to her she didn't talk to him for three days. But she won't even do that now. She just takes it. And I know why she's like that because, I'm sad to say, I'm the exact same way. We just don't want to deal with the confrontation. We bottle the emotions up and move on, waiting for something nice to come around to help make us feel better and forget what's happened.

My mom is pretty much miserable but no matter how many times my sisters and I tell her she needs to put a stop to his disrespectful behavior, she just sighs and says, "yeah." When she told my middle sister about him cussing at her the other day, my sister asked her why she didn't say anything to him and my mom replied, "I'm a wimp."

He's never even hinted at physical abuse so she's not afraid of him. The only thing I can think of is that she's afraid of losing him. Not that he's any prize. She just had a really hard time divorcing my dad because he cheated on her. I mean, she stayed with him for 18 years because of that and because she had no money to speak of. Now she's got plenty of money but she won't stick up for herself. I can't say anything to him because I'm living here. Of course, if I did and he said I needed to get out, that would be the thing to make my mom leave him. I told her I was afraid of him kicking me out after I found out I was pregnant and she told me that if he did he could watch how fast she packed her bags. But I don't want to try it.

I'm sorry how long this is, but I just wanted to show some of the back story. That's not even all there is. There's so much more but these things were the gist of it all.

I don't know how to make her understand she can't let him treat her like this. She didn't leave one man for his disrespectful behavior just to go to another one who disrespected her in a different way.

Thanks Tasha_Mae for my siggy!!

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February 26th, 2012, 11:08 PM
Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 53
This guy is obviously a controlling, scumbag loser. You need to help your mother get the courage to leave him, and offer her as much emotional support as you can give. Maybe ask her to see a therapist and seek medical advice so she can hear it from a third party. The man sounds no good, a woman shouldn't be made to feel uncomfortable in her own house. He obviously just has her there as his property. You need to tell her how you feel, and if you don't feel he is physically threatening..maybe you should talk to him yourself. I wouldn't be able to keep my mouth shut.
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March 4th, 2012, 08:08 PM
in_mommy's Avatar I am just me
Join Date: Mar 2004
Posts: 14,873
He is a control freak who has probably warped her mind into his submission. Is there a place you guys can ho if she were to leave him? You better hope CPS doesnt find out about it if your luving there with your ds. He is not physically abusing her, he is verbally and emtionally abusing her. She is going to have pull from deep down inside herself to find her strength that she does not deserve this and get the heck out of there.
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