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July 13th, 2006, 09:55 PM
Posts: n/a
I am so right there with you, and I think it's a crock of ****. I am a SAHM, my husband works outside the home. I am not on the bills, the bank accounts, the house, nothing. He got the house before we married, so it's a non marital asset, and would be sold if anything were to happen to him. The sole beneficiary of all his money (401K, IRA, and life insurance) is his son--who I'm not sure is really his son and was born out of wedlock; I think there should be a paternity test, but he says no (even though she ran off and he didn't see the kid for 12 years...). Anyway--if anything happens to him, I'll get absolutely nothing. Well, I'm sure they'd find a way to make me have to take the debt, but I wouldn't get any money to pay the debt WITH. It really pisses me off... but I am on the way out, so I guess I can get over it after I go.

I mentioned my situation on here once, and all the girls said it was financial abuse. I didn't see it their way then, but I've definitely come around to that way of thinking. I mean--he gives me about 100 dollars a month and with that, I have to buy groceries (for four), diapers, and gas (he did finally get me a gas card to use, but he always tells me not to use it!) He, meanwhile, gets full reign of the money; if he wants something frivilous, he gets it. If I want something that's 'not in the budget' then I have to save up my change and get it. Needless to say, I haven't had anything new in months (it was last September, actually--when I worked for my dad for a while). I have no money to spend on myself... and when I really need something, I end up mentioning it to his mom and she usually gets it for me, otherwise I go without alltogether. It really sucks because I gained a lot of weight when pregnant, and I can't seem to drop it, so I don't have any clothes that fit me. I was a size 6 before, and I have absolutely nothing I fit in, so I had to beg a couple pair of jeans off my sister and I wear my husband's big t shirts. I have nothing nice.

Anyway.... I digress....

I'm sorry you are going through this, too. It really does suck. I am planning on getting out of my situation because of this reason.... but money is a real problem with trying to leave, since I get none...

What am I supposed to do? Live on the streets with the kids?? Which, I guess, is what the goal is of this type of abuse?
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July 14th, 2006, 01:53 AM
mrsracatoe's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: Texas
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I am a stay at home stepmother and my dh works. I handle all of the money and bills. My dh can come to me anytime and ask me about stuff like that and I don't have a problem with giving him an honest answer right then. Yes, it is 50/50! If we need or want anything for either of us we get it. He would and has never acted the way that your dh is. I am very sorry that you are having to go through this! I can't imagine what I would think or do if my dh did those things. After all of the hard work that goes into raising kids, keeping the house clean, and etc. I think that you have earned it well. Our jobs are never easy. I really hope that the talk that you two had will make a difference!! Did he tell you why he wouldn't tell you before?? I am just curious to see why he was acting that way.

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July 14th, 2006, 08:44 AM
in_mommy's Avatar I am just me
Join Date: Mar 2004
Posts: 14,873
Dh works and I take care of everything else. I am the one responsible for the bills being paid, house being taken care of, and kids taken care of. My DH, though is SO dang irresponsible with money, that I do not have a choice but to do the bills and budget the money otherwise nothing would be paid, much less on time, and we would have nothing because he would blow it on whatever. I tell him if he asks me what I have done with the money, I dont have a problem doing that. I give him an "allowance" for gas and whatever. Wow, I cant believe there are guys out there who only want to give $100 to their family for an entire month to live off of. I think I would get groceries only for you guys and leave him out, when he comes home and wants fed, tell him to go buy his own with the other half of the grocery $!!
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July 14th, 2006, 10:44 AM
Posts: n/a
It's called finanical abuse.

((head shaking)) I'm sorry I'm not giving you more but it looks like some good responses before me..

Financial Abuse:
Financial abuse is when one partner tries to control the other by controlling their finances and in turn their ability to have independence in society. Financial abuse would include taking control of all of the money; allowing only an “allowance”, or limited amount of money; not letting the other know about or have access to the family income; preventing another from getting or keeping a job, or making another ask for money.
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July 14th, 2006, 10:56 AM
Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 71
I don't know what the laws are like where you live, but they protect women from that here. If you can prove that you are being financially abused (which shouldn't be hard because you are not on anything), you can divorce your husband. He would be required to help you find a place to live, pay you alimony until you get a job and get on your feet, and pay child support. In fact, where I live, it is not optional. The courts have it taken directly out of his paycheck and sent to you. And, the husband is often responsible for pay all of the wife's lawyer fees. Financial abuse often leads to other types of abuse so I would be careful. I know that it gets frustrating. I get frustrated at my husband and I am not being financially abused. At one point, I felt like I was. And, I told him that. Finally things changed. My husband uses a checking account that he has from North Carolina that he took out before we met. His checks go there. He pays the bills out of them except our son's daycare. My name isnt on that bank account. I have my own bank account which I put my money into. I pay the daycare fees. He did get me a credit card which I put groceries, gas and the necessities on. He pays it off at the end of each month. My DH always asks before he pays any bills. He always asks what I want him to pay and when. Plus, I have access to all the online banking stuff. In my situation, he didn't give me control of any of the money because I never asked. I believe that because things changed when I finally brought up how I felt. He never argued. He just gave me the passwords to everything and got the credit card for me.
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July 17th, 2006, 11:19 PM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 5,597
That is insane! My DH and I are 50/50 when it comes to everything. He works fulltime while I'm a SAHM, but we make decisions together when it comes to money. If I need something I can get it, and the same is for him. I pay all the bills, since I'm home, and he explains any purchases that were not planned. This is how it should be. Neither one of us makes any big purchases though without discussing it first, because we know that we can only spend money once.

I do not care whether or not a woman works outside the home. No one deserves to not have any money for at least the necessities.

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July 20th, 2006, 07:17 PM
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Location: Northern WI
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I would like to say that you need to step back and see what you are willing to take. Are you willing to be treated worse than hired help, and be degraded, and not respected and not treated as the woman you are? Or do you want someone who will respect, love, honor, cherish and hold u above all things? I believe that these are the things that most of us vow to do when we get married.....that being said, if you want to make this marriage work, look into marriage counseling. Tell him in a safe environment like that how you feel and what needs to change. Don't ask him to change, tell him, I cannot live like this anymore. This HAS to change. And then ask him what he needs from you. Make it a 2 way street. Men tend to get offended and defensive if they think that they are the only ones that are getting"jumped" on. You are a woman who deserves more than what you give yourself credit for, don't continue to sell yourself short!

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July 20th, 2006, 08:28 PM
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OH NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!!! I work but still when your married with kids NOTHING is your own! Both of our checks go into the bank acct that has BOTH of our names on it to pay the bills in BOTH of our names. Marriage is a partnership!! DH may make more money than I do but it does NOT devalue what I do and how hard I work and that goes for SAHMs too!!!! Communicate with him tell him how you feel.....and if that dosen't work put your foot down and leave! It worked for me!
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July 23rd, 2006, 08:24 AM
Posts: n/a
ITA with marriage being a partnership.. there is no way in he!! I would be putting up with that.. Before I went back to work I was a SAHM and my dh who is military was the only one bringing a paycheck in but Im the one who handles all the bills matter of fact I handle everything here.. If he wants something he knows to ask.. If he wants to get something to eat like fast food while he is working he knows to call me to ask if its ok to make sure we have the extra money to play with.. I now work and nothing has changed.. He still asks me for everything.. Sit him down let him know how you feel.. Tell him something has got to change.. If he still refuses give him a warning.. Tell him look Im giving you say a 6month warning if things havent changed Im leaving.. You cant live like that and you dont deserve to
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August 31st, 2006, 07:04 PM
missy123's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Savannah GA
Posts: 13,418
$100 a month for groceries????????? How do you feed a family on 100 a month???? OMG, I spend 150 a week for the 4 of us!

I guess there is an upside to being a single mom. I dont have anyone asking me what I did with my money.

Pregnancy Loss April 2009, September 2010
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Do not ever give up hope...

Miss Scarlett... Our miracle girl still brings happy tears to my eyes.

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September 4th, 2006, 10:28 AM
Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 724
Listen ladies;

I was TOTALLY in your shoes once upon a time in my life. I was married to a man who had complete control over all of the money that came in or left our home. I was given an "allowance" and this money was to buy food, diapers, etc for our two children...(thus there was never anything left over when it was all said and done).

This man is now my "ex" husband; (he ended up cheating on me and I found out that he was making sure that his 'other woman' had 'everything' her heart desired and then some).

**Fast forward to a few years later**

I moved away from my 'ex' and took our two kids' with me. I obtained a great job and bought "my" first home, where the three of us lived, on our own, for several years. I was completely dependent on myself; and it was scary as hell...but I did it and I felt AWESOME!!! For the first time in years I knew what it was to pay my own bills and to be completely in charge of my own money!

Now, I am 'remarried' to a wonderful man; however, due to having been 'burned' before with a controlling man, my DH knows that I will NOT put up with his deciding soley what our money is used for. (He works out of the house and I work inside of the house). We each have our own bank accounts, (something I learned from the past is "NEVER" give complete control to another person...especially financial control); and we also have a 'mutual account'. This is the account that we each put money into in order to pay the bills. I know how much money DH needs in order to pay the hydro, the TV, the computer, the mortgage, etc, etc...and although my pay doesn't nearly equal his...I do try to put in whatever I can...yet at the same time, I hold back enough for myself so that I still have my own money to play around with.

You ladies have 'every right' to completely expect your DH's to inform you of what is being paid off and how much money is left over and how that 'left over' money is to be spent!!! It doesn't matter if he's making the money...you're doing a more difficult job than he will ever do in his life!!!

Let me tell you...my DH is taking 9 months off to be a SAHD with our (now) 3 month old son; and he's told me that it's 100% more difficult than he ever imagined it was going to be!! He had this misconception in his mind that he was going to sit on the couch, holding our son, watching TV shows all day long or going for long walks in the park, etc, etc!!! *NOT*!!! He's so friggin tired from getting up in the middle of the night with feedings, (yes, he helps out with those), that his best friend is now our bedroom!!!

I've had the pleasure of hearing him talk with some of his buddies wives and telling them that he now has a whole new respect for these women who stay at home looking after the kids' because when DH is at work, at least he gets a shower before going in and he gets his breaks and lunches and some 'comedy time' when he's with his buddies, etc!! (He's a firefighter). However, when he's home with our son, sometimes he's not eating breakfast until lunch time because he's been sooo busy with the baby throughout the morning. - And never mind having a shower!! That sometimes doesn't happen until 10-11 pm.

I'd like to see some of your DH's do the jobs that you are doing now!!! My DH has completely changed his point of view of what a SAHM does during her days' and he now knows that it's certainly not sitting in front of the TV eating bon-bons all day long!!!

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September 8th, 2006, 04:19 AM
josie1985's Avatar Veteran
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 129
My husband takes care of all the finances.he gives me a credit card for household stuff and one for personal and never says anything no matter what I spend, but still doesnt let me know where we are financally. he says its a sign of a successful man to have a wife who doesnt have to know about the money but it just makes me feel like he thinks Im too dumb to understand the money.
Josie, Mommy to Ivy, April 14th 2006

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September 15th, 2006, 07:06 PM
SweetSunset's Avatar Veteran
Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 305
Wow, an allowance of $100 a month just won't do! I spend $100 a week, which makes it $400 a month for groceries, toilet paper, shampoo, gas etc etc etc alone! If I were you, I would talk to your DH about giving you more a month, and a possible credit card to spend so you don't have to be limited to just that amount alone for the monthly necessities.

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