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August 5th, 2012, 11:56 PM
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 1
I am 22 years old, my boyfriend is 26. I love him to death, we found out we were pregnant back in April and I am due later this year. Before we found out, we went out very often, we both smoked and would drink a lot. But since we found out, I made a complete 180 and started taking care of myself. On the other hand, him not so much. He does not go out as much, but he drinks and smokes everyday. 6 cigs a day and maybe 2-3 beers a day. He also goes out once in a while and comes home really drunk.

This bothers me a lot, it makes me feel like i'm the only responsible one. He looks at it as if he is getting it out before baby comes. He also looks at it as a stress reliever, but in my head I'm wondering "what about me?" like what the heck am I suppose to do when I'm stressed, it's not like I can chug down a beer or smoke a couple. Ya know? HE says i'm being selfish, but I think he is being selfish by not supporting me and keeping stuff like that to the minimum.

Don't get me wrong, he says he is excited about our baby and promises that he will stop all this when baby comes but I just don't know how that is going to be any easier.

I don't mind him going out but coming home wasted! I get upset!

Am I wrong? Should he be allowed to do all these things without me being upset and hurt?

I'm really dying to know because I'm hurting a lot.
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August 6th, 2012, 07:39 PM
Blue-Jay's Avatar Jenny
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Maryland
Posts: 2,229
I think it's very hard for men. My DH and I worked hard to get pregnant, and when we finally did, nothing changed for him. And to tell the truth, not much still has changed. A couple of times during my pregnancy when I'd had a hard day and he cracked open a beer, I cried right there in front of him and the only concession he made was to chug it down quick so I wouldn't have to think about it for long! Somehow, they can't really process it that there's a baby in there and it's changing things NOW. Be patient but firm. I would sit down and work out exactly what your expectations are and then both agree on some guideliines (like, maybe he can go on a bender once every two months, and you all choose a target date for him to quit smoking or he can only smoke outside the house now). Hugs, honey, because I know this is hard. It just doesn't hit guys until the LO comes home. I thought DH would NEVER get it (he wanted me to go on motorcycle rides with him during my pregnancy, lol), but you should have seen how carefully he drove home with LO in the car, and he has improved a lot.

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August 9th, 2012, 02:19 PM
short_n_swt's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Somewhere in Ontario
Posts: 2,611
I can relate a lot to your story. When DH and I first found out we were preggers, it was quite a shock to us both. We were your typical young couple (actually the same ages as you both), and suddenly my life came to a screaming halt while he didn't have to worry so much about his.
It is very true, men don't face the reality of a baby until labour has begun. Have you taken prenatal classes together? This may help him connect the realization of a baby. Some prenatal classes have those babies you need to care for as well, maybe you should look into your area if there are any available.
I would also let him know that you understand this is his way of getting a few more fun days in before baby arrives (so to speak), but once baby does arrive, your life doesn't need to end. You can arrange to have a baby sitter come once or twice a month so you can go out and have fun together. Ask him if he can dedicate one night with you sober and smoke free, so you can relax together and feel like you are on the same page. If you haven't already started to, include him on picking stuff out for the baby...physically shop in a store so he can see how cute the little onsies are. Things aren't real to him because he can't feel the physical aspect of the baby yet. Things will change.
Good luck hun.
(and just to share with you what worked in my scenario, DH drove home after drinking one night, and I gave him an ultimatum and a wake up call that he was about to be a father, and there is no way I was going to tell our baby her father died while driving drunk, so it was either the bottle was gone, or he was gone.)

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August 14th, 2012, 03:28 PM
in_mommy's Avatar I am just me
Join Date: Mar 2004
Posts: 14,873
Have you sat him down and talked about things and tell him how you feel? Drinking to deal with stress is way different than just having a couple of drinks here and there. You need to talk to him because the stress your feeling about all these worries is not good for you either. (((hugs)))
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