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I just need someone to talk to...

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April 24th, 2013, 12:41 AM
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 1
Well i dont know where to start, or what to really say, i just know i need someone to talk to, as there is no one i personally know that i can talk to.

I dont want to be judged for the decision i am making but need someone to talk to me and tell me eventually things are going to be okay.

I guess the only place to start is the from the start of what i guess is a long story (i apologise in advance).
July last year i fell pregnant with our 4th Child, i was on the mini pill when this happened as i was still bf our youngest. Usually i have trouble falling pregnant as i have fertitly issues and i have to go on fertily medication to make it happen. Anyway according to the Dr the pill i was taking is made up of the hormones my body naturally doesn't produce and is the reason i got pregnant, my parter and i couldnt have been happier, it was a shock but not a bad one.

Anyway to complicate things my best friend has been trying to fall pregnant for about 4 or so years, she has lots of marital problems, and pretty much only staying with her husband because she is so desperate to have a child of her own. I decided to not tell her we were expecting again, as i knew that it would just make her more determined to stay with him and get pregnant.
She only lived down the road and things were that bad between her and her husband that she was pretty much at our house everyday, she was like a part of the family.
In the end (i think it was about October) i told her i was sorry but i couldnt keep going through this with her (i was unwell during the pregnancy as it was) and the stress of her marriage was taking its toll on my family, and i had been there for her for the last 6 years and nothing ever changed she would just never leave him and to be honest i thought if i stopped letting her throw herself in my family life everyday she would have to deal with her own life and actually 'deal' with what was going on.

I would still talk to her every now and again and she would tell me everything with them was great and that he was changing etc, and kept asking if she could look after my girls cause she missed them, i always said no, not because of her, but because i dont trust her husband he is a very scary man and if she had my kids that means he would also be around them and i didnt want that.
In the last ouplde of months she started msging me more and 'facebooking' me asking for recipes offereing if i needed any help with the kids etc as she knew i wasn't well with this pregnancy. Every time i declined but said i appreciated the offer.

So anyway last Tuesday i gave birth to our beautiful child, we had a son, and my goodness he is the most precious little boy in the world i love him so much. We were always told i couldn't carry a boy because of my hormone levels, but it turns out because of the pill changing my body makeup it allowed us to conceive a boy! pretty amazing hey!
I gave birth 6.30 that morning and was home by lunchtime, i wanted to be at home waiting for my girls when they finished school. This was suppose to be my most happiest time of my life, everything in our life was finally sorting it self out! (we have our own business that is very stressful and allot of work, and about 2 weeks before i had bub my bil started working there, and he has just been amazing and i couldnt be more grateful to have him there, as we were sinking on our own without help).

So things were looking up at the shop, we got a son (which really didnt matter if we had a girl) but my partner always wanted a son so it was like the icing on the cake, i was gonna stop being so sick because i wasnt pregnant anymore. I was that sick i had to get my mother to come over and get the kids ready for school and do the drop off's and pick ups for me cause i was to weak to get up, and had bad swelling through most of my body etc. low iron carpal tunnel in both hands etc and when i had him he was huge (his feet turn in, cause he didnt have enough room), no wonder i felt terrible all the time.

Anyway day 2, my partner checks the mail and hands me a letter, the front is typed, i think nothing of it, open it and then procede to read that my partner was having an affair with my best friend while i was pregnant. i read it a few times and just put it aside, didnt really think much of it just thought whois trying to cause trouble in my family. MY partner sees the letter and says whats this ****, again i didnt really acknowledge it. The 3 eldest stayed at their nanas that night so she could take them to school etc, so i didnt have to stess with a new bub. Once the kids leave he bails me p and wants to talk about the letter, i said i didnt need to talk about it (manly cause i thought someone was just trying to cause trouble) and she said it was a load of crap.

That night i was up all night crying, trying to think who would want to hurt me so badly. The letter was date stamped the day i gave birth to our son, so the person who sent it obviously found out we had a boy and wanted to ruin that for us. My other half just held me as i wept and didnt really say much, just he doesnt know who wanted to hurt me like that.
So i decided to take a photo of the letter and send it to the friend ni question, not because i thought she was guilty but becasue i thought she should know what was said and might have an idea who would send such a thing.
She doesnt reply, hes not really talking to me, so i know now in my heart that what was written was true, they were indeed seeing eachother behind my back. A day or so later she finally replies saying how sorry she is etc, my other half still not saying anything, he is in bed next to me when i find out, i just simply say, she has admitted to it, so now you dont have to worry about how you are going to tell me.

We spend the whole day talking about it, i make him tell me in detail what happened, for some reason it made me feel better knowing like at least i had some control or something and then at least if she ever said anything to me i wouldnt be taken aback by it. Apparently it started with he txting him and ringing him, asking when i would let her see the kids again and that she really missed them and she would talk about all her problems with her husband and how crappy her life was (this is why i stopped talking to her in the first place because he life was affecting my family, you would think she would get the hint and leave him alone). Anyway my other half being nice said if you need to talk you can come into our shop and have a chat, she did a few times and then one time, she was saying she didnt know what was wrong with her and why she deserved the life she had with her husband) my partner gives he a hug to comfort her and then when he pulls away they look at each other and they kiss. They didnt actually sleep with each other, just kissed and 'touched' each others parts. he said when the 'finished' he just did his pants up and sent her away and she cried saying he made her feel like a hooker. over the next few months he msged her however many times saying if she needs to talk she could go over ther when she finished work. This happened 3 more times (so 4 in total) the last one being a month before i had our son.

I dont excuse his behavior in anyway, but i know how horrible i am when i am pregnant, i am so nasty to him, he couldn't touch me, hug me, even put his hand on me without my yelling at him and going completely off about nothing. (i felt really crappy! haha)
But i get ya he did it, and that he was lonely and every day i would just push him away, and as disturbing as this sounds its not what he has done that is getting to me its WHO he has done it with. I get human nature and people need interamcy and to feel loved etc, not saying its any excuse for what he did, but i do understand it.
I just feel so angry and hurt and need to talk about it and have no one to talk to, as you can imagine i dont want anyone to know what has happened, because i do love him and i want to make this work, i have no desire to leave him. (please no lectures telling me i should). But we have a beautiful family and i love him so much, and as crappy as this sounds i know if i wasn't pregnant he wouldn't have done what he did. I said that to him and he said he doesnt want to say that cause he doesnt want to blame me being pregnant with our son for what he has done, and i know he is sorry and that he loves me. He was soo lonely and i know that was my fault.

He starts counselling in 2 weeks thats the soonest he can get it, i have asked him to talk about the reasons he is staying with me, as i dont want him to stay just because he feels guilty and now we have a son etc i want him to stay because he loves me, and he needs to really figure that out. He says he loves me so much and how sorry it is, and i know you are thinking that i should be the one deciding if he stays or go, but i want him to stay, but i want him to stay for the right reasons, does that make sense.

I know that he is the one that did the wrong thing, but i also know that i contributed to it, and yes he could of not made that decision and not gone through with it and he did and now we have to get past that.

God i have so much more to say about her still txting me to this day about **** and its like she actually thinks we can be friends still, and all the complications i have had since giving birth, with my bleeding and placenta etc, and also at our work all our hard drive wiped itself and the backup has gone missing so now we have no financial record of our business for this financial year and the added stress that has all added. But my post is already like a novel and i apologise. I just needed to somehow talk about this
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April 24th, 2013, 07:55 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: long island, ny
Posts: 1,247
god bless you for handling it the way you did, your a strong person, tough situation. hang in there, best of luck with everything

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July 25th, 2013, 10:13 AM
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 37
I'm sorry for the completely unfair and painful situation you find yourself in. I, too, recently discovered my DH has been unfaithful and it is going to be a long, slow journey to healing. I would highly recommend you get some counseling for yourself because you need that support, outlet, and understanding. It will help you moving forward and hopefully give you a safe place to feel all the hurt.

Enjoy that beautiful baby boy. I just found out I'm pregnant and not very happily so. I know it's depression talking, but I already felt, like you, that I had enough to bear without another little one relying on me to hold it all together.

One day at a time.
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July 25th, 2013, 10:34 AM
katylady's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Oregon
Posts: 3,446
I too have gone through a similar situation with my DH. He was having a phone/txt/messaging affair.

I struggle daily with the thoughts that he may be talking to her still and he actually works in the National Guard with her so I have my bouts of uneasiness when he has drill for the weekend.

DH says he loves me and wants to grow old with me and I can't imagine myself with anyone else. We are working things through. We both have changed a few things in our marriage and it seems to be looking up now.

I feel like you, how he was the one that had the affair but you weren't doing your part and may have driven him away a little. That's why I'm sticking it out and seeing where our relationship can go from here.

Lots of luck to you!
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