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I'm tired of the control and wanting to be center

Forum: The Venting Room


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October 10th, 2004, 05:47 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2004
Posts: 3,469
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Well on the 28th of September my aunt and uncle came to town from California. It was actually pretty late on the 28th. So I consider they came in the 29th. I had not seen them the whole trip. They went back home yesterday morning. Mom told me a couple weeks before when they were coming. I said Oh give them our number, have them call us. Yeah yeah whatever. Then she says well The weekend of the 2nd and 3rd of October we're all going out to dinner one of those days. Do I work. Yes. But how about after 6pm that Saturday and after 5pm that Sunday. Mom says that's ok. But in the same breath says they were all planning to go to brunch at the polish restaurant. This was after I said that was my weekend to work. I can't go out to dinner til evening. I told her I was off Monday after I worked the weekend. Ask if they'd like to do lunch or dinner that day. She never calls back on that. I tried calling her before last Sunday. She did not answer her phone. I know her hearing is bad and she don't always hear the phone. But most times she does. I think she pretended to not hear it this time.

So finally mid this week I finally get through to her. Asked what happened to the dinner with the family last weekend. Oh they didn't want to go. They had other plans. But by the tone of moms voice I think she was lying. Last time we ate out for a family get together. Mom seemed upset she was not center of attention. Dh was more the attention indirectly. Because he's disabled with MS. Also the family does not see dh and I as often as they see mom. They want to catch up on things with us. Then I said what happened to Monday. Oh I thought you were working. I said mom I told you I had off Monday. She plays the I forgot. After I told her to write it down and all that so she won't forget. Mom did say they were all going out for pizza this past Thursday. That dh, son and I should come. I said mom I work till after 7pm then. There is no way I will make it. Mom says come late we'll all be sitting there a while. Well it's rude to walk in half way through them all eating and us first just ordering. Actually Thursday I never got done till 7:30pm. Got home after 8pm. Was really to tired to go out with the family.

Then mom says well if you can't join us Thursday. How about me, you, dh and son go out on the weekend just us. I said no. That if it were to see the out of town relatives. That was different. I can see you anytime. I got to many things to get done at home over my weekend off. That was the truth. I spent from Friday evening till Saturday evening cleaning house. Doing a bit of shopping in between. Now I finally get a bit of time for myself. The whole time aunt and uncle were in town. Mom did not attempt to accomodate my work schedule. As I did tell mom I only been on this job a few months. I can't be asking for days off for just things like going out to dinner. I'm saving my personal days for important things like a wedding, funeral or something else really big. I even asked mom where aunt and uncle were staying. She said oh some hotel by the airport. I said which one. She plays dumb. I don't know. Then would not give me a number to reach them at while they were in town. I even asked her for my cousin G's phone number. As she recently moved. Mom says Oh I don't have that handy now. When I know darn well her phone book sits on the table by the phone. She could of easily opened it up and read me the number. I think next time we see mom. When she is in the bathroom or not in my sight. I'm quietly opening up her phone book to cousin G's number writing it down and slipping it in my purse. If mom ever pulls this again. I'll just say. Mom I'm calling G. for the information. If mom says I don't have her number. I'll say I called operator assistance for her number. They gave it to me as well as her new adress. Mom was making sure no one else took away from her being center of attention. So she purposely did not accomodate my work schedule. She does this all the time. Also mom is worried we'd say something to the family about her panic attacks and how she takes care of herself. Mom does stupid things with her health issues. Things that could cause harm. Even after we tried helping her in those issues.
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October 10th, 2004, 06:18 PM
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wowthat must be really hard and not to mention annoying to deal with....hope it gets better in time(but by the way you put it, it seems like shes been like this for a while ) Good Luck
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October 11th, 2004, 05:50 PM
in_mommy's Avatar I am just me
Join Date: Mar 2004
Posts: 14,873
I know that must make you feel horrible to not be able to see your family. Your relatives are thinking who knows what because you didnt show up, either they understood that you were working or that you just didnt care about seeing them. If your family is anything like what I have to do deal with, then it is they think you didnt care enough to see them. I think writing down your cousins number is a good idea. When you get a chance, you need to call your aunt and uncle and let them know that you had hoped to be able to get together with them and that you are sorry that you were unable to hook up with them. I also think that you should sit your mom down and tell her how unfair it was to not make an effort to allow you to see your family. Tell her you know that it was probably hard to work around your work schedule, but I am sure out of the whole time that they were in town, that there was an time that you could have all gotten together. Hang in there!!
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October 12th, 2004, 07:15 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2004
Posts: 3,469
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I'm not sure if it's they think I don't care to see them. I can just picture it. Mom told them all some story. How I said I didn't want to come. Making me the bad guy. When in fact I told mom I get off work to late for dinner. Because we weren't there. Mom probably told the whole family. We rarely come to see her and do stuff for her. Well it is true I don't see her as much. Most of it is now I'm mommy breadwinner. So I gotta work all the time. The rest of it is. I don't like being manipulated by her. So I many times avoid seeing her for that reason. Well sometimes mom acts like dh's MS affects his walking only. That weakness is not involved. So she'll have him driving her all over all the time if we let her. She don't understand dh gets tired easily too because of the MS. Then there is the part of mom playing her panic attacks mind games on me. Thank God she lives in senior housing now. When she lived almost 2 blocks from me. She'd drive me nuts. Keeps coming over looking for me if I don't answer the phone. Even to the point looks for me in the bar. If I was on a girls night out. Which don't happen that often. She'd have a hissy fit. How dare I go out without dh. Especially to a bar to drink. And where men might try to pick me up. I'd always tell her I'm a big girl now. Married with a son. I think I know how to tell some guy trying pick me up. I'm not interested. I don't have to answer to you anymore. I answer to my dh now. It bothers her when I don't let her get to me. I mean push my buttons.
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