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Just need to let this out...

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November 2nd, 2005, 03:01 PM
ericalaurel's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 1,772
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Hi everyone,

First of all, I don't expect anyone to finish reading this post, as it's going to be horrifically long (I just know it) but I have to get these feelings out or I'm going to explode. Again. At least writing about this will hopefully let off enough steam to get me through the rest of the day. I am grateful for this board even though I don't come here often. This situation keeps building and building and I have nowhere to go-I feel trapped like a caged animal with this situation.

I've had issues with MIL since the day my husband and I announced our engagement, I think. I've posted about this here before (quite awhile ago), but things are bad. They get worse every day. I am to the point I'm on anxiety meds just to stop the neverending thoughts about her and the trouble she has caused/will cause that keep me up literally for hours at night, and haunt me whenever I'm alone and not busy. I've always dealt with self-esteem issues and clinical depression, but anxiety, while I did have it, was never, ever this bad. I am to the point that I can't function day-to-day-all I do is think about what is going to happen, what she is going to do next, and how I'm going to be ready to deal with it. The point is, I have to keep her on a choke collar, so to speak, or she will try to wedge herself in our marriage like she has multiple times before. She is miserable in her own marriage/life, and has attached herself to her children because she has nothing of her own to live for-it's sad, true, but it's not my problem. My priority is my family. I have to be prepared for whatever she's going to do next to prove to her that she is not the most important person in his life anymore, that she is not his wife, that I am, and she can't run over me.

I am constantly thinking of what this woman will do once our baby is here-the constant expectation of visits to see "her baby", wondering "why I don't like her" when I will say no, she can't just show up whenever and we won't be traveling every couple of weeks to see her, but mostly, I am terrified of her being at the hospital when Lanie is born-how forceful will she be to hold the baby? Will they spend the night so they can spend all of our time at the hospital with us? This is something I am sure she completely expects to be able to do, as well as spend time with us at our apartment after the baby is born. I would ask DH to be stern with them and explain our expectations, but he won't. He's completely spineless when it comes to confronting her. I love him, but he is. I would do it myself, but we've already had one confrontation (while I was in my 2nd trimester no less) and she didn't give a rat's butt that I was stressed to the point that I was starting to have physical symptoms from the anxiety (my heart rate is dangerously high because of the anxiety-usually around 130). All she did then was whine about all the things that had been done to her, and how she had a headache from our conversation. Oh, I'm so sorry that I've upset you, but you aren't the one growing a child inside you, how bout you give a ###### about your grandchild that you claim to love-how about you give a ###### about the DIL you claim to "love"? Whatever...she is diabolical.

I wish that I had the energy to catalog for you all the incredible piles of examples to show you how manipulative this woman is. She lies to my face and my DH believes her, as does his brother, yet she claims over, and over, and over again how much she "loves" me and my SIL. My SIL and I are in the same boat in regard to our feelings about her, and her manipulative intentions, however I've had to stop talking to my SIL because when we would talk (we e-mailed each other all the time for comfort) my BIL called me to tell me that I was upsetting her and that I should stop interfering in their marriage. He proceeded to tell me how much time he felt was "appropriate" for me and DH to visit his mother. Neither DH or his brother will even begin to believe what my SIL or myself have to say on this issue. My SIL was my lifeline and now she is gone-I could continue to e-mail her but I'm so terrified of having to deal with my BIL again that I won't.

MIL is completely self-absorbed, has no concern for what is best for most importantly, our daughter, but she doesn't even really care about what's best for our marriage-she wants what she wants, and whines and cries to DH like a spoiled child when she doesn't get it. Then she proceeds to complain about how hard her life has been, what a bad father she had, and how my SIL doesn't give her enough time with her grandchildren...like this has anything to do with our issues, but apparently I'm supposed to feel sorry for her and change my ways. My childhood was crap too, but I don't use it as an excuse for when things get bad. Instead, I've risen above it and done something with my life. I have NO TOLERANCE for people like this-I've spent my entire life staying away from these types of people and now I am forced to interact with her and so help me it's killing me.

I am at the end of my rope. Here's how bad things are. I know these are ludicrous, ok, and I would never go through with any of this, but you have to understand how desperate the situation has become in my mind. I have thought of taking my daughter and fleeing to Canada or some other country because I know exactly how oppressive this woman will become in our lives. I think about what will happen if DH and I divorce (which I believe is a very real possibility), and what legal recourse I have to keep this woman from my child (her house is not childproofed, she is completely scatterbrained and her other grandchildren have been hurt before while there in her care). I would rather die than know I have to subject my baby to this woman and all of her horrible personality traits, but at the same time, I LOVE my DD and DH, and I know these feelings I'm having are hurting him (and right now, her). I know he wants his mother to have a relationship with Lanie and that KILLS me inside. She is simply not the person he thinks she is.

I beg you, please don't flame me about these MIL issues if you think I'm wrong-that is if anyone even made it to this point in my post, which is improbable-I don't blame you!!! I'm on very, very thin ice emotionally and have been for months. I'm terrified of going into pre-term labor, and I literally can't think about anything else. The fear and distress have completely taken me over. Thank goodness DH isn't forcing me to go to their house for Thanksgiving, I will be with my family and he with his. DH and I can't go into marriage counseling because we simply can't afford to right now, and my personal counseling appointment isn't until Dec. 1st.

Anyway, I just needed a release today. Thanks for letting me get this out.

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November 5th, 2005, 02:12 PM
kim79's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Connecticut
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Do we have the same MIL?? I know exactly what you are going through as I am going through the same thing. His family hasn't liked from the beginning and his momwas the worst. She constantly told him that I "wasn't the right on for him". Then when he announced we were getting married and having a baby,she almost had a heart attach. He also is spineless when it comes to her. He's a mommas boy and lived with her until he was 29. When our daughter was born, his mom, Aunt and grandparents all showed up at the hospital unannounced right when I was going to sleep. At this point I was up for 36 hours and was exhausted. On top of that, they stayed for almost 3 hours!!Finally my DH said something after I gave him a few looks and they reluctantly left. Also while they were there they took picture after picture and us. Did I mention I didn't sleep for 36 hours???? She bothers us every day to come over and shows up unannounced. When DD was 2 months old I caught her trying to sneak birthday cake frosting in her mouth and when I freaked she insisted a little taste won't hurt her. She told me that DD was too big and I should take her off formula so she doesn't get bigger. When I told her I would not do that she said that she did that for my DH and he turned out fine. DH is lactose intolerant by the way.

Unfortunatly I know what you are going through and I wish I could say it will get better but I'm still waiting for it to get better. I'm at my wits end and I feel like when she is here I want to ring her neck for some of the comments she makes.
Did I mention my MIL lives next door????

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November 5th, 2005, 05:18 PM
kraeon's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: canada
Posts: 741
yikes...i have mil issues too...BUT if it helps you to know I read up on it and grandparents have no rights to their grandchildren legally if you two do get a divorce..
I say stick to your guns and raise the child as you see fit and don't tip toe around her, it's your life and the babies...she has nothing to do with it!!! If DH isn't helping out or seeing your veiws then he is only adding to your stress...kick him in the butt til he sees your side...lol....jk kinda....
anyways good luck
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November 5th, 2005, 06:50 PM
in_mommy's Avatar I am just me
Join Date: Mar 2004
Posts: 14,873
I think we must have the same MIL, who I might add that I have not seen or spoken to in almost 2 years now because of the same type of crap that you were talking about. DH and I separated for a while, and that was one of the issues that caused the separation. He finally seen that all they were doing was using him and then his mommy finally did something that made him mad, so he had our phone number changed and did not speak to them for almost a year or a little longer. When she does call here, I just hand him the phone. I REFUSE to talk to the !! Do NOT allow this woman to control your life and your every move!! Stand up for yourself and your baby. If your DH doesnt want to see it for the way things really are, then send him packing to mommy for a while and then maybe he will see what she is really about and change his mind or if he is threatened with getting kicked out, then he might take a stand.
Trust me your NOT alone on this issue!!
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November 5th, 2005, 07:18 PM
M!che!!e's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: NYC born and raised. Now stationed in Savannah, Ga HAAF!
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i am not in your boat when it comes to mil's since my fiance's mother passed when he was 10.

however i did read through your post and it reminded me alot about the situation inLittle Earthquakes by Jennifer Weiner. i suggest you pick it up!

but getting back to the issue at hand, im sorry you have to deal with this woman's b/s and i understand why you dont want to confront her. i just hope that you can convince your dh to try to reason with her. if not, take matters into your own hands. this is your daughter not hers!

good luck!

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