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Am I being oversensative?

Forum: Children with Special Needs


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April 16th, 2009, 06:53 PM
~Coley125~'s Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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So a good friend of mine just had a baby about 6 weeks ago. They have already begun "bragging" about how smart, strong, advanced their baby is. How she has already rolled over and can support her weight and all this stuff. While I understand that they are excited and that its their first baby I am just feeling like its a little insensative to be bragging TO ME about all that stuff knowing that Kenzie is how she is.

IDK maybe she just feels like I would be offended or something if they didn't share those things, and its not that I want her to feel that she can't or shouldn't or that Im not happy for them...its just that I also don't want to feel like they are flaunting her "normalness" in front of me.

What do you think...am I being oversensative? I knew that it was going to be hard for me seeing younger babies pass her up developmentally...I guess I just realize it would be pointed out all the time...or already....????
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April 16th, 2009, 07:54 PM
stacyp's Avatar Mommy to Andrew & Luke
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I honestly think it's normal to feel that way. I get that way too. And it's very hard some days to read about other babies passing him by developmentally. I just keep reminding myself he will get there in his own time. But, it's still hard.


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April 16th, 2009, 08:11 PM
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its perfectly normal on both fronts. It's normal for you to be sensitive to it, but its also normal for them to brag.

I deal with it myself in many ways, and I know how hard it can be as well. This is the reason I dont go back to by playroom and havent for years

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April 16th, 2009, 09:14 PM
kittycat's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I think it's normal to be sensitive to it. But honestly, it's something that in time we all come to grips with (though we're still allowed to have our moments - and I did myself the other day). Our friends don't always see life from our perspective, but want to share in their joys with people they care about - such as yourself.

But every child is special. Look at your own child - all of them (who are beautiful, btw), and find something that you truly love, or truly amazes you about them - you're a mama, and it's just fine to brag a bit about that

When Kyle was a baby even at 6 and 7mo, there was very little he could do - short of gripping a ring, or the edge of his blanket. I was so amazed when I looked down at him and he was looking back at me, or he grabbed my hand at just the moment that I needed it the most. So that I knew - he knew I loved him. As he's reached each new step and discovery - I tell him how smart he is and how proud I am of him, because you know - he is. Then we call the Grandmas to share the good news. He has so many obstacles, and every little one is that much harder for him to reach compared to his peers.

Having a SN child has also opened my eyes to the better differences of my child. He's kinder, gentler - loves to laugh and smile, sings - he's loves being around people. I swear he lights up every room he walks in to, and people seem drawn to him. That's his gift, and they all have one. But the hardest part as a parent is to not compare your child's gifts with that of another, it only leads me to disappointment. Which is something I never want to equate to Kyle.
DH (44) ~~ Ian 2/22/07 37wks ~~ Kyle 12/30/03 23.6wks ~~ Konner (Twin Angel) 12/26/03, 23.3 wks
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April 17th, 2009, 07:41 AM
Ditzzy's Avatar Stupid Lamb;)
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I agree, it's normal on both sides.

I really love all the ladies in my PR, but some days are hard, reading about their milestones. I'm thrilled for them, but Ava is now the only non-mobile baby. It's not that I'm upset at them for bragging, I'm just reminded how very far behind Ava is. kwim?


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April 18th, 2009, 09:23 AM
iamkc's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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I agree-normal on both fronts. My 2.5 year-old was and is extremely advanced. He always will be. I never bragged. (No, seriously.) Everyone else did it for me, but I was very careful not to go on and on about him. NOT that I don't think that he's incredibly special, but a lot of that stuff seemed like SO much pressure for him! What if he wasn't advanced in the next thing? I definitely let him know how proud I was of him (still do), and made a big deal of everything to him when he learned something new, but I don't tell him how much smarter he is, etc. (This sounds terrible, but hear me out.)

Now, I'm glad that I didn't. I make a big deal still of everything he does to him, and I make a big deal over what Milo does. They're doing things at very different rates. VERY. That Milo can even hold up his head in a shaky way is impressive to me. Kannon was already walking, could say MANY words (and several sentences), and more by 11 months. I made a big deal of his stuff, but again, never bragged to anyone about it. I never even joined in the PR bragging for him. I see nothing wrong with it, just NMS. Again, I didn't want anyone to feel badly that he was ahead.

Now, I still don't brag to other people. I report milestones for Milo proudly, even though he's delayed. He has had to work harder to reach those. I don't mind when other people brag to me about their kids, but I've had to tell my family to PLEASE be sensitive. Milo understands more than people think he does (he's the size of a newborn, but he IS 11 months, mentally), and one day, he'll hear the talk about how delayed he is and how advanced Kannon was. Milo will get there in his own time, and he certainly doesn't need anyone comparing him to his brother-there IS no comparison on when they did everything!

Please don't think that I'm not exceptionally proud of both kids. I expect a lot from them, I nurture, we play, and they will both know that they're special. I weep several times per day over something one of them does. And I do tell people about them, but I make sure that each kid gets equal time, and I make sure that they know that I'm equally proud of all accomplishments.

I used to work for the Special Services division of the Board of Education here. Some of the parents of more abled kids would brag about their kids shedding some of their special needs. Of course, we were all thrilled, but they would do it in front of some of the other parents and kids, and you could see the heartbreak on the parents' AND kids' faces. It's such a hard line to toe. We should all be so ecstatic over everything that our kids do. I guess that it's just finding a reasonable line for me, making sure that other people understand that EVERY kid has to work for their milestones, and that just because Milo is behind in one area doesn't mean that he's a lesser child. Just because Kannon is ahead in everything doesn't make him the better child. They're both kids, they're both special, they both work hard, they are both sweet, happy, funny, and have a long way to go. They ARE just 11 months and 2.5.

This is just how I deal with it. I feel like it's hard for anyone reading this to understand how I treat them. I'm not clinical, I'm not harsh, I do acknowledge everything they do, they're my first priority, we laugh A LOT, I'm exceedingly proud, and so on. I just never want anyone to think that I think that my kids are better-than anyone else's kids or each other. They're just my kids, and both very special.

Ohmy...that was a lot longer than I intended it to be.

It IS a touchy subject among parents who never have to deal with it. I guess I feel like it's a tiny mission (even before I had a SN kid) to get people to understand that they're all kids, all special, and have a long way to go in life.
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April 18th, 2009, 12:27 PM
Daisyfields's Avatar Platinum Super Mega Mommy
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I've experienced this in other ways. For me on the PR boards, I've had to try to remove myself, because they are all bragging about their kids doing this & that & I have a child who doesn't. When I post a milestone (that their kids have been doing for a long time) they don't see the glee I have so it's hard for me, I get frustrated.

I "had" a close friend for over 20 years. She & I were inseparable, she finally had kids, 2 girls via IVF, she was pained that she couldn't have kids the "normal" way & every time I'd tell her I was expecting, she was upset. I understood that. Once she had her daughters, she started to drift away. I'd ask her if everything was okay, if something was wrong, or if she was mad. She finally said that SHE felt guilty in having me around her healthy/normal kids when I was struggling w/ a child who was sick & had so many problems. I looked at that in two ways. One, I felt that she was giving up on our friendship for ignorance, instead of pushing me away, ask about the delays & issues & become a part of it & don't pretend it doesn't exist. Two, I felt that she just couldn't handle it, she didn't want to be around someone that required more than the average child. Which I also understand.

Now...we don't talk. It's sad for me b/c I've known her since 5th grade. I was always around her & now we don't talk. That's not a good thing for me. However...

The last times we "did" talk, we'd exchange our lives, how things were going & when I told her that I was at home, she'd say "must be nice to be a SAHM"... I wasn't a SAHM b/c I wanted too or b/c that is what I desired, I have/had no choice since I have children that need me & require round the clock attention. She lives in a large home, her DH is a State Trooper, makes a lot of $$$, she is in real estate & also makes good $$$, if they downsized their lifestyle, home, cars, she could afford to stay home too. The "must be nice" comment after a few times really made me mad. I felt like saying "how dare you?, do you want to change places?" She too...was being insensitive.

I think it's like having a child & having a friend who doesn't have a child. You now have responsibilities & they don't. It's hard to maintain a friendship w/ someone who isn't dealing w/ sleepless nights & restrictions, as well as sacrificing their lives for this little human being. They aren't there yet so it's impossible to be upset/angry w/ someone who hasn't made the choice to become a parent. At the same time, that friendship will probably not last much longer since they will not want to hear about your "poop" stories or your kid's milestones when they are chatting about taking off to Vegas for a vacation or staying up all night partying. Meanwhile, when you are up all night, it's b/c your kid has a high fever & is sick. No one can make each other understand.

Are you right to feel annoyed? Sure. Do I think she is trying to be rude to you in sharing these milestones? No, I think she's just happy & wants to share. I think she is most likely exaggerating the milestones too (like most new parents do), and she's not thinking that this might hurt you or is hurting you. If you have a close relationship w/ her, talking to her & being honest how although you love to hear about her child & how well they are doing, it hurts to be reminded of how you aren't in that place. Making her "aware" is either going to be a good thing & have her sort of back off in bragging "or"... she is going to completely pull away from you thinking that she doesn't know how to handle it.

I've experienced BOTH outcomes. You're not alone.


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April 18th, 2009, 09:22 PM
quietsong's Avatar Just Another Slacker Mom
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I agree with everyone...it's totally normal. I get that a lot, to be honest. I took Eric to the park recently, and watching the kids, I just got sad. Cochlear implants are very static sensitive; he's not supposed to play on plastic equipment, go down plastic slides, etc with them on. So either he won't be able to play, or he will but without being able to talk and laugh and play like the other kids do. I got resentful for a moment, I'll admit it. It bugs me when people complain and get worried about minor delays too; I just want to shake them and make them realize how lucky they actually are.

But then I remember...I was like them before, when I just had Eric and my biggest worry was that he might need to get tubes in his ears. When I thought HE was delayed in speech - ha - compared to Danny that was nothing.

Still, there are comments from people that rub me the wrong way and I just have to take a deep breath. I step away from my PR now and then, take a day off, or like a couple days ago I was purposefully avoiding all the picture threads because I knew they'd be full of kids doing things my little guy isn't doing. For the longest time, I couldn't read anything related to singing to our babies, or babbling and first words, because it just ... ached, and made me angry. Likewise, I try to avoid pictures all that often of Danny's newest skills, because I don't want to make the mamas whose babies aren't there yet feel the same way. But - I never expect anyone else to think like that, or avoid brags - because they deserve to be proud and thankful for their little ones' gifts even though some may not share them. They just don't know what it is to be in our shoes.

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