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Wants mom and dad back together

Forum: Blended Families


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June 30th, 2008, 08:51 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Indiana
Posts: 1,261
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My Step son in the past month has been really angry at everyone. He wants his mom and dad to get back together. He acts like that it is all his dad's fault. He is saying that his dad left his mom and that everything would be right in the world if they got back together. I just want to tell him that it is not the case. His mom left his dad and they will NEVER get back together. His dad and i will NEVER get a divorce. That would be mean. I just get some annoyed when he says stuff like that. Any suggestion of what to say and not get myself in trouble for saying the wrong thing. We are trying to get him into conselling.

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June 30th, 2008, 02:09 PM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Goose Creek, SC
Posts: 9,778
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My kids have both said this (one of them is my DSS) we just told them both that unfortunately we couldn't get along with their other parents and that we are not getting divorced under any circumstances. I have had to take your response once with my own son because he just wouldn't leave it alone. Thankfully they both have stopped.
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July 1st, 2008, 05:36 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Florida
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I think that deep down inside, all kids want their parents to get back together at some point after a divorce. Even my own and they literally begged me to divorce their father! What's important is for the child to be heard, understood and helped to come to acceptance of the situation as it stands. I don't think it's good to just tell them basically "Tough! Ain't happening so get over it!" because they won't accept that. They'll fight you and become ressentful of you and the situation. I would talk to him and tell him you certainly understand that he loves both his parents very much and that they love him, too. Allow him to talk about his desires to see that happen and get it out. Then gently point out that you and his dad love each other very much too and that you love him also. "I would miss you and your dad so much if I didn't have you in my life!". Let him draw his own conclusions about that...don't beat him over the head with it. Telling him that you are never going to divorce his dad so his mom and dad are never going to get back together will only make him think that YOU are the only thing standing in the way of that happening. Gently point out that there was a time in between relationships (assuming, of course, that there was) where his dad didn't have anyone to take care of him or the child. If his mom has remarried, point out how much happier she is now that she has found ____. What matters most is that he feels like he can have these feelings and not be punished for them and that you know eventually he will come to accept the situation if he is given enough time to work through his feelings. It takes time but he'll come around. Just try to understand him for now and not change his thought process or feelings on the matter. It is in no way a reflection on his feelings for you, but rather a love for his two biological parents and wanting things to go back to "normal" although I am sure he doesn't remember how bad "normal" was when his parents were married! He's probably feeling out of sorts with everything that has happened in his life. Like adults, kids want to find their "comfort zone" when things are upside down in their world and will seek out a place where they feel safe. For him, it goes back to a time where he went to bed with mom and dad in the next room, knowing they'd make sure he was safe while he slept. He only has half of that right now. Kinda scary when you think about it...I think the counselling is a great idea for ANY child whose parents are getting a divorce or who have gone through one.
HTH and I wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes!
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July 28th, 2008, 07:46 AM
Ellemphriem's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Dreamland...........
Posts: 2,644

Me and my husband had similar problems with his daughter. May i be so bold as to say that it is not your place to speak here? As it was not my place to speak when that happened with us. I left it to my husband. It was his territory to speak to the child and explain. Anything said by me would have been misunderstood and would have certainly caused a problem to all of us. Like it or not, as stepmoms we have our limits to what we are allowed to do, and to tell you the truth i am ok with that. Let your hubby take care of it as it is appropriate. And remember that the child is right to want mom and dad back together. You would if you were in his/her place. Don't be mad at them for they don't do it in order to make you mad. They do it because the mean it and need it. Never mind that it won't happen. Let others speak, and step back from this. At least that is what i did. And no one reproached me of anything.

Take care

" \m/ Now Iím riding through the air
going to where no one dares
on the way Iíll cross the line forevermore \m/ "

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