Log In Sign Up

Hi!


Forum: Blended Families

Notices

Welcome to the JustMommies Message Boards.

We pride ourselves on having the friendliest and most welcoming forums for moms and moms to be! Please take a moment and register for free so you can be a part of our growing community of mothers. If you have any problems registering please drop an email to [email protected].

Our community is moderated by our moderation team so you won't see spam or offensive messages posted on our forums. Each of our message boards is hosted by JustMommies hosts, whose names are listed at the top each board. We hope you find our message boards friendly, helpful, and fun to be on!

Reply Post New Topic
  Subscribe To Blended Families LinkBack Topic Tools Search this Topic Display Modes
  #1  
July 29th, 2008, 10:20 PM
Veteran
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: texas
Posts: 493
Hi my name is Alisha (29) and I have been married to Eric (30) for 4 years. We have 2 children together Elias (4) and Brynna (2 in a few weeks). I was in a horrible marriage for 6 years. I have two wonderful sons Chandler (10) and Parker (7 in a few weeks). Eric was married before as well and he has daughter Skyler (7).

We had joint custody with week to week visitation with the 3 older ones until last year.

Skyler's mom had Eric served and we didn't have the money for a court battle at the time so we agreed to let her mom have primary residence and we pay child support. She is with us the 1st, 2nd, and 4th weekend, every Thurs and 2 weeks on, 1 week off during the summer. Skyler primarily lived with us (80% of the time) up until this change. However, she has done very well with this. We feel that she needed stability.

My oldest Chandler had a hard time in school last year. Parker was beginning to develop an anxiety disorder. As a mother, I really had to think hard and come to the conclusion that they also needed stability. I could not imagine moving every week and having a new set of rules, types of punishment, what you eat, even different churches. I wanted them to feel like they had a home not 2 houses that they live in from week to week.

So I made the hardest decision of my life and let my ex have close to the same visitation as Skyler's mom. I knew that it would turn into a huge fight with my ex if I asked for the visitation. He is a good father was just a terrible husband. He also lives in the town that they attend school. We live 30 mins away. They are in a great school and there is no way I would have changed that. I did not however give him primary residence. We still share that. It is really difficult. I feel so guilty at times. But I could see a major change in the boys within a few weeks of the switch so I know in my heart that I made the right decision.

I am so afraid that at some point they are going to feel like I gave them away. They have been here all summer but they start school in 2 weeks and so I am going to have to adjust to them not sleeping here during the week. I see them several times a week. My heart is already aching knowing that soon I will only have them on the weekends. Anyone else have a similar situation or any thoughts?

__________________
Reply With Quote
  #2  
July 30th, 2008, 04:50 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 2,091
Send a message via AIM to Blondzilla
Alisha, welcome to the board!
It sounds to me like you have a terrific head on your shoulders and understand more than most people that good parenting means sacrificing. In your situation, sacrificing in probably the most heartbreaking way--putting your own wants and needs aside for the sake of your child's. You say that you've seen good changes in your sons and that means that you have made the right decision. I can only imagine how difficult this is on you! Frankly, my hat's off to you because I think I would have been more selfish in the same situation--not something I am proud of but it is honest. There may come a time when they do feel that you "gave them up" and it will be hard. I think they key here is to not wait for that day to come but rather to act pro-actively and squash those feelings in them before they take root. Sit them down and tell them how much you miss them and why you though it was the best choice right now. Let them know that they are welcome at your home anytime and that you'll always be there if they need you for anything and that if the day ever comes where they want to come back to live with you--because they aren't happy there or can't get along with their father--you will welcome them. (obviously, we're not talking about a one time fight with dad that we want to punish him for or an effort to get my way, but an ongoing issue that shows no signs of ever getting resolved) Most importantly, stay involved in their school activities and any sports or clubs they join. This shows them that you are not "abandoning" them in any way, shape or form. If you do this while they're young, they are less inclined to come to believe that you simply gave them away and even if they do question why you let dad take over raising them, you will be able to point to your actions and say prove that it wasn't just convenience but that the decision was in their best interests and it was a very tough one to come to. Also, given their ages, if you can keep their rooms the way they left them, they'll be more inclined to still feel at home in your house and less like they are just visiting. It also shows them that you didn't just give them up because you needed the space! lol It sounds funny, but kids think things like that and it hurts!
I hope things continue to go well with the new living situations. As I said, I can only imagine how hard this is on you. Please keep posting and let us know how things are going.
Wishing you the best!
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #3  
July 30th, 2008, 09:40 AM
Veteran
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: texas
Posts: 493
Thanks for your suggestion. I will definitely talk to them on our next one-on-one dates! I think that Chandler understands as we have talked a little about it.
I am very involved in school and sports. My ex is always the coach of their teams but we (DH and I) never miss a game or activity! I go and have lunch with them every other week at their school or take them from school for a special lunch.
Their rooms are still their rooms and always will be. I still took them school clothes/supplies shopping like I do every year. I am trying to keep things as much the same as possible. Although, we do alot more family activities on the weekends which I think is an awesome change for us!!

Sometimes, I want to let my pride/selfishness come out and tell my ex that I changed my mind and want to go back to week-to-week. I battle this often especially with school starting soon. I just have to remind myself why I have done this. And I look at Parker who was having to go to counseling once a week to deal with anxiety and see that has all gone away. He is not requiring counseling at all at this time. It is very difficult. When I am feeling really down I know that I can call my ex and he will let me pick them up and take them to dinner or a movie. He has become totally cooperative since the change.
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #4  
July 30th, 2008, 10:50 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 2,091
Send a message via AIM to Blondzilla

That's terrific that your ex works with you in this. I think possibly that your son was feeling so torn between the two parents he loves so much and when you made the sacrifice to let the boys go live with their dad, he was "given permission" not to feel like he would be hurting one of you if he lived with the other. I don't even think it would have mattered which one, although it sounds like dad's place is a better location from their school thus not quite the commute it was from your house. It really does sound like you made the best decision for the children and I think you should feel proud about that. Not every parent--myself included--makes decisions based on what is truly in the child's best interest. As I said earlier, I probably would have been more selfish than you have been. Oh, I don't doubt that from time to time you want to give into those feelings...who wouldn't? But the fact that you don't and that you stay so involved in the boy's lives is such a good thing and it takes the pressures off the children. Kids of divorce--or for that matter all kids--have pressures that we as parents tend to discount as unimportant or trivial. But when you think about the situation a child is placed in with a divorce --having to feel torn between the two most important people in his or her life--it kinda puts things in perspective.
I think you are doing a terrific job in putting your childrens needs before your own and I have no doubt that they will be better off because of it and perhaps so will the rest of you! After all, you did say that you're doing more things as a family and that can only be good for any child!
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #5  
July 30th, 2008, 07:33 PM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Goose Creek, SC
Posts: 9,778
Send a message via MSN to GinaOfAllTrades
Hey Alisha. Welcome again to the board. These ladies here are great and offer some of the best advise around. Sounds like a lot has happened since you went MIA a few months back. I think you did a great job on your decision to let the boys go to their dads. A decision that I myself could not do. I say this obviously because I have not been in that situation yet but I honestly don't think I could do that and I commend you for it. I hope you keep posting and again, glad to see you around here.
__________________
]
Reply With Quote
Reply

Topic Tools Search this Topic
Search this Topic:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 11:46 PM.



Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.9
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Optimization by vBSEO 3.6.0