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At my wits end! HELP!

Forum: Blended Families


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December 13th, 2008, 05:01 PM
peimum's Avatar Being crazy isn't enough
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: PEI, Canada
Posts: 7,359
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Hey ladies! I went searching for a board with step parents... I guess this is it! So, my story is long, and frustrating, and could make you mad... but I hope I am not the only one dealing with these problems! I am looking for advise, as I am about to give up on my step son, and I don't want to!

DH and I got married in the summer of 2005. My step son was the ring barer; at the time he was 8 years old, turned 9 a few months later. Things seemed okay between us, I mean I did not expect him to call me mom or anything.... he lived with us full time, and still does. He is now 12, and I feel like he has no respect for me, whatsoever! Whenever I ask him to do something helpful, his responce is "well, I have plans, so I can't!" And then he leaves! DH tells me that he is a kid, and I can't take his childhood away from him by asking him to do chores! ***! All he does at this house is eat sleep and poop, just like a baby! He is always asking for money, and DH gives it to him, like we have extra money to give him! I don't even know how I can afford presents for any of the kids this year, because that kid is always getting money from his dad! DH says that if he does not give him what he wants, then he will want to go live with his mom..... Oh well, he will learn really quick there that he wont get what he wants, because she does not have a job right now, and her house got repo'd... You know... I am just a little ticked right now... and it does not help that I am pregnant with MY 3rd child, and the baby has a heart condition! My step son never tells me where he is, if I ask were he is going, all he says is "walking around town" he wont tell me who he is going with or anything! DH and I are always fighting, because I can't handle this anymore! I have told him that I want him to take his spoiled rotten lazy son and leave, because I don't want MY kids to grow up to be like him! If I acted the way he does when I was his age, I would have had my head threw a wall! My parents never would have tolerated this, AT ALL! My mom even told me today, as I vented to her, that she is returning the presents she had bought him, and getting him a lump of col. She has watched me deal with this the whole 3 1/2 years I have been married.... and she is tired of the stress I deal with on a daily basis! Is it wrong of me to be upset at both DH and his son??? I don't even want to look at them I am so mad!

Sorry this was so long! If you mad it to the end, and have any advise, please do leave it! Thanks.
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December 13th, 2008, 09:03 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,459
I personally have not experienced these problems at this point. I have been in DSD's life for 3 yrs, since she was 2. But you have come to the right place. I know for a fact there are ladies here whom are experiencing this problem.

My advice, you cannot let a child run the house because you are afraid of them staying with the other parent. He is manipulating th fact that his parents are divorced. Your DH is raising a man who will feel entitled to the world, without working hard to get it. You also cannot parent a household when both parents are not in agreement over parenting. What is good for one child is good for all. And the best thing for children is seeing a united front by their parents. Tell him NO. Let him go with his mother. He may not even want to go there, but is merely using that as a bargaining chip to get his way ALL THE TIME.

I am a full believer in allowance, starting at a young age. My DSD was given minor chores at the age of 3 1/2 to earn a nickel for each one. When we went out and cashed her money to spend it, she was thrilled. She used her own money to buy a toy. I have never seen a child more proud of herself. She worked, she got paid, and she saw that with hard work she can buy her own things. My parents instilled an allowance for my brothers and I when I was a teenager. The chores were divied up between us. If you got all your chores done at the end of the week, you got $10. If you went above and beyond to help out besides your chores, you got $20 that week. They stopped giving us money to go out with friends. We had to earn it. Didn't do your chores, didn't get the money, and didn't have the money to go out with friends unless it cost you nothing.

Sounds like this may work with your DSS, if you and your DH can agree on that. CUz really, who wouldn't love the life of a kid again? Homework and friends are your worries. As a grown up your worries and responsibilities multiple. He needs to learn that.

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December 14th, 2008, 10:33 AM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Florida
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OK so your DSS is 12...hitting puberty and all that comes with that. He's trying to spread his wings and fly. Great. But unless your DH wants to pick up the pieces when he flies into a brick wall, he needs to come to terms with the fact that kids of all ages NEED rules! There is NOTHING wrong with him doing chores! You're teaching him responsibility--from the sounds of things that is something he will NOT learn from his mother! (my DH has an ex that is exactly like yours. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR ) Your DH needs to also understand that he cannot be the Disney dad and still raise a responsible child. The child needs to learn that he can earn money, but it isn't given out for bad behavior. That's exactly why so many people in this country think the world OWES them and don't do anything for themselves. (our respective bio-moms are perfect examples) I can certainly understand your desire to kick the two of them out! Besides that, as you indicated they're setting a bad example for your other children. If left unchecked, your DSS is going to be getting into some serious trouble from the sound of things and I know neither of you want that. Kids push and if no one pushes back they continue to push until all limits of acceptable behavior have been tried. "walking the streets" is NOT acceptable behavior for a 12 yr old boy!
Would your DH listen to someone else--i.e. a counselor or therapist? If so, I'd get the family into counseling asap! If not, would he read some books and articles on parenting? I'm sure some of the moms here can suggest some good ones. I'm sorry you're going through all this especially while you're worried about your baby! That's a lot of stress on you and your DH needs to be extra supportive of you right now so you can concentrate on that. It may help you if you just distance yourself from the situation. When DH comes home and asks where his son is, simply state "I don't know". If he asks why you didn't do anything to find out, tell him! "You think I am being too hard on him so I didn't ask. He left/didn't come home from school and I have no clue where he is." Let him find him. Let him pick up after him also. Let him pick up the slack that YOU have been picking up and perhaps then he will see what the issues are and that it isn't that you're too hard on "the poor child". Once he's gotten a taste of the monster that he is creating, maybe he'll understand what you were fighting about!
Let us know how things go and good luck!
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December 15th, 2008, 10:41 AM
JustBecca's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Suffolk, Virginia
Posts: 3,058
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Welcome to the board. I am sorry that you are having such a hard time with your DSS. I do have to agree that at 12 there shouldn't be any "walking around town" and it seems like you do not agree with that either. I also think that you should put your foot down and tell your DH that you demand respect in your house and that he needs to respect you too and back you up. I think that an allowance or something like that might work. I know that one of the hardest things for a blended family to do is all come together and do what is best for the child. It doesn't seem like his BM is any help in that department. I hope that you get things worked out and if you need to vent...this is the board to do it. We have all been there, see it, are in it or were when we were kids. No one is going to get upset because you do not like your DSS right now...half the time I do not like my birth children...lol

Thank you ~* Helen *~ for the best all about me siggie! You are absolutely fabulous!
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December 23rd, 2008, 03:33 AM
Ellemphriem's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Dreamland...........
Posts: 2,644
Eiik this sounds bad. I'd think you DSS is having puberty issues more than anything. So his behavior does sound normal for a 12 year old, BUT a 12 year old that was never taught respect to his step-mom, and that is were dad plays a big role. I'd say grab your hubby and speak to him, then you both sit down and talk to your DSS. And then you do it alone with him and ask him why he seems so disrespectful to you. Also ask him if he feels negatively towards you, and if he does ask why. Also i'd say don't tell your hubby to take his brat and leave. That alone can be the cause of issues. It can create tension between you and hubby and naturally hubby will not mind his 'brat' bugging you. It all falls down to pieces if you let it One thing leads to another. It is the brat of you hubby but you are married to the man who gave birth to a brat. Deal with it. All of you. It's not fair to your hubby to speak like that i think. AND neither is it fair of your hubby to leave you alone with no support in this.......domino effect........Just be kind and honest and talk it over with both of them

" \m/ Now Iím riding through the air
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December 26th, 2008, 10:55 AM
Nedene's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 1,440
Sorry you are dealing with this...

Your issue is with your DH, not so much your dss, As you are fighting an uphill battle if your dh is not on board...
my best advise is to sit your dh down and tell him how it is, that his son can' be the only spoiled one around here, and children NEED to have chores... And Since he thinks he needs all this money he needs to work for it, if not now, the child will grow up thinking everything is handed to him, and your dh will still be giving him money when he's 30....

Sorry, but you need to get through your dh's head to have any change, or you'll get no where..
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