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Forum: Blended Families


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December 28th, 2008, 11:08 AM
ToonTownGirl's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 729
Heres a little background on me i'm Jenna and I just turned 32 i have 5 kids with another due in april.
When i was 15 i had my first son Carson and a year later i had Hadley, the share the same father, Julian. We never really were together because everyone thought he was the complete opposite of me and that he was the bad guy but he was there for the kids and when they were born he moved in with my family and helped, actually he was really a decent kind of guy. When Julian was 17 he got married to another women and they have 3 kids together. The other women never really showed any interst in being a part of my kids' lives and when they used to visit their dad she would just pretend they weren't there. About 6 years ago Carson and Hadleys dad died, it has been hard on all of us. Cullen has stepped up to be their father and i really think they have accepted him in that role because he was there for there whole life so far. My husband now, Cullen i have known since i was 2 years old and he was a constent in my life. We didn't start dating until i was 19 and we got married when we were 23 and now have 3 boys together with another one on the way.

i was just wondering would you let Carson and Hadley visit there step mom if you were in my situation, they did go every week until Julian passed away and we never make them go now but since they are older we let them chose, I know they talk to Julians others kids and i know Hadley's really close to one of them. The other night Julian's wife called and said that it was rude of Hadley to come over and not call her mom. She said that shes been in her life as long as Cullen has and she should be called Mom. I never thought she would say that because she never shows an interest in Hadley before and when Hadley came over the other day she just came to pick up her step-sister. Carson talks to his step-siblings but he never goes to their house ( he had some issues with their mom ) . Do your step kids call their dad's wife ' Mom ' ?[/b]

Hi there!

IMHO I would say no. I have a DSS that I would NEVER expect him to call me Mom. As far as I'm concerned children have ONE Mom and ONE dad. Now in your situation, their father is no longer with us, so if they CHOSE to call your husband Dad, that is a decision for them to make. Especially now that they are older. Personally I hate the "titles" that are forced upon children. Especially when coming from "broken" homes and there are new people in their lives. I know that the "X" had a previous BF that she was making my DSS call "Dad". IMO that is wrong, especially with the fact that she was doing this to try and alienate the child from his bio-father. This guy is no longer in my DSS's life anymore, and there is now a new guy in his life. Only 5 short months after the last guy left, there is now a New Guy, and in my heart of hearts I know that she is going to try and do the same thing again. How is that fair to a child, or looking out for their best interests to make them do things, that naturally don't feel right to them.

Children are smart, and they know the difference between what's real and what's not. My DSS is now 8 and I think that if this situation occurs again, that he will be able to speak his mind. Even though I fear (as shown in past experiences) that she will loose her mind and make my DSS feel wrong and MAKE him call the new guy "dad". It's truly sad how these women feel that they are entitled to something more from their kids, when in reality they would never accept it if it were on the other end.

I hope that your children do make their own decisions, and that you stand behind them in it. If this woman can't be ADULT enough to deal with it, then it's up to your children to make the decision that they don't want her to be a part of their life.

I know that I would NEVER make my DSS call me Mom. I will hopefully have kids of my own someday, and I know that if my SO and I weren't together, that I wouldn't expect them to call his new SO Mom.

I hope that this has helped in some way. Either way, it's never a good time for children when the ADULTS in a situation can't act like Adults.


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December 28th, 2008, 02:48 PM
Ellemphriem's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Dreamland...........
Posts: 2,644
My DSD calls me mom after a long discussion were i said that mom is only one. It took us a year almost for me to accept that she wants to really call me mom and be able to manage the word. When i asked her last time she said 'You don't want to do you?' that broke my heart. I said i want to but as i said before mom is only one. And she said 'You are a second mom to me and calling u mom means a lot to me'.......that was it

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December 28th, 2008, 10:21 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,459
I think that it is COMPLETELY up to the children to decide. My DH's ex has her children call different men she dates "dad". DSD has 2 half siblings from her mom. Their dad is a horrible man that is out of the pic. SHe has those 2 call her now ex bf "dad", and told them he was their one and only dad. DSD being only 5 started saying that too, but we quickly corrected her. It confuses the crap out of her. DSD has just recently called me mom again. She has decided that if she calls me mom too, then she has 2 moms in her life. We have all talked this out and determined that it was fair, since this was the child's choice.

In your situation, I would say that your daughter SHOULD NOT call that woman mom. If she wished that before, then she should have declared that when her husband was alive. To suddenly demand that of a teenager, when her father is gone, is rude. If your daughter felt like she wants to call her that, then fine. But she hasn't. You don't force children, or teenagers, to call someone mom or dad if they don't choose to. It ruins the very meaning of the words.

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December 29th, 2008, 01:49 PM
Daisyfields's Avatar Platinum Super Mega Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: In the enchanted forest
Posts: 5,257
First off, welcome. I am Chantelle, a co-host for the board w/ Becca. I am both & bio & step mom.

As far as having step children call their step parents anything other than their actual names, it's all individual situations & up to both the kids & everyone involved. Everyone situation is different & you can't call it black & white for everyone. In my situation, we don't do that b/c it's not appropriate but I've seen it appropriate for others & it has been okay in my opinion for them to call their step-parent mom or dad, but all depends on the child & the parents involved.

This is entirely up the child & the parents involved. I think you all need to talk about it & it has to be a natural thing too. Not something that is forced. You can't "make" a child call you "mom" or "dad" out of thinking that they should b/c they've been in your life for a certain amount of time. That makes no sense. You can know someone for years & have no bond w/ them & calling them mom or dad would be foreign. But you could know someone for a year & calling them mom or dad would be natural.

I know this isn't giving you "THE EXACT" answer you are looking for but I hope it shows that not all situations are the same & that it's not to be expected either.

HIH & keep us posted

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January 1st, 2009, 11:18 AM
JustBecca's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Suffolk, Virginia
Posts: 3,058
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I think that with the age that your children are that it is completely up to them if they want to call her mom.

Personally for me I would not allow it because I am the MOM and I always have been. My children do not have a step mom. I do have a step mom and I call her Deb. I call my MIL Thelma. Although the other day she told me that it would be ok if I called her mom. After almost 8 years of marriage she said that...I told her no thank you and that is weird. She was cool with that.

I think that you need to let them call her what ever she wants. If she gets upset about it then that is her problem.

That is my advice. Not great but that is all I have these days! Things are crazy.

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