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April 20th, 2010, 10:47 AM
nikki52687's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 686
Hi, my name is nikki, I have a little girl, Lily, who just turned 2.

I will try to get everything in quick, without making this a book, lol.

OK, Lily was planned, Bruce, and I were together for 5 years. When she was 2 months old he changed his mind and moved out. He was in and out as he pleased until December. Then he stole a gun, threatened suiside, and was drinking and on drugs when the cops picked him up. He spent 5 days in the pysch ward and was released. I filed for a modification of custody right away, because he wanted to take her the next day.

Then new years eve he was arrested for stealing, oil drums from a farm, and they found out there was a warrant for his arrest for not paying child support, ($5,000 and some odd dollars behind) He spent 5 days in jail and then when he got out sent me a text saying, "if this is how it is going to be, get me the papers and I will sign over my rights, but I don't want the back support either" I told him it was complicated and we would need an appt with an atty, he said "set it up" Then I didn't hear from him for 2 weeks, and all of a sudden he changed his mind.

So we go to our Mod hearing, the judge thinks he is a level headed guy who made a bad decision and is trying to be a good dad. So he gave him every sunday and monday all day for 8 weeks, supervised by his mom.

8 weeks went good, he didn't miss any visits or anything, (although he is still drinking, moved 3 times and switched jobs twice in that 8 weeks, and got another girl pg) so he gives him over night visits, every saturday for 5 weeks then every other weekend. But he tells him the visits need to remain at the grandparents house.

I am not thrilled by this, but I can deal with it, because I know her grandmother will make sure she is taken care of. HOWEVER......the very first night, which was this past saturday, he never took her there, he went to his friends house where he has been staying, and kept her there for the night, and then his gf and him totally lied to me about it. I told them I thought I saw their car by the friends house, she told me, "oh it must have been somebody elses car, because we are here at his moms" but we then got in the car and drove by the friends, it was still there, at 11:30 at night. It was not anybody elses car either, he has an old beat up car, with a flag sticker and Lily's carseat in it, it was his car!!! Then he told me Lily slept with him all night, and the gf told me she slept in the crib all night. The told me she slept 14 hours straight with no waking and crying, yet when I got her at 2 she was so tired she fell asleep within minutes, brfore the car was even started, because I was still talking to them for a few min.

So I can't believe anything they are saying, and I cannot even be sure where she is at night, this is crazy, he is unstable, the GF is STUPID, seriously, she started dating him AFTER knowing how he has been for 2 years, she got pregnant on purpose, and get this, her last period was in feb, but she thinks she is due in Jan or feb, hahaha, how many of you were pregnant for 11 or 12 months?????

anyway, I am concerned for my girls safety, he is still unstable, I am waiting on my atty to call, gonna see what I can do.
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April 20th, 2010, 01:29 PM
Daisyfields's Avatar Platinum Super Mega Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: In the enchanted forest
Posts: 5,257
Wow... simple ? but just making sure cuz it makes a BIG difference. Where two legally together in any way? married on paper? If not... why are going through a mediator?

JMHO & from BTDT. Get rid of the mediator, immediately! Find a lawyer, well qualified, I don't care regarding the cost, b/c what a lawyer will do for you today, will determine the type of life your daughter will have, and how you will be able to co-parent w/ your ex, which is a LONG time. Mediators don't always do what they should, I've seen this w/ my DH & his ex-wife, it was a disaster! Still I cannot believe that the mediator he had wrote out the "plans" & that my DH was stupid enough to sign them w/ out legal aid. He said "I had no money"...well... as a result of not finding a way to get money (and we all can if we are down to that sort of situation, serious enough), so yeah, get a lawyer.

This judge, to want to base their opinion or the safety of the child when this man has been incarsarated, it doesn't make sense. Either the charges weren't brought up (and I don't get that) or...the charges were dropped, but you said he spent time in jail, so that I don't know. I'm not a judge or a lawyer. But if you have ANY concern, and I mean ANY, that your child is NOT safe w/ your ex, then you need to file w/ CPS "and" get a FULL NO CONTACT Restraining order on him, this way, until the judge hears your case in Family Probate Court, he will not see your daughter but still be liable for CS. At least in my state, not sure about everyone's state laws. That's what I would do if I were you & if I had a friend going through a similar situation in my state as well.

As far as his GF, that's irrelevant right now. She has no legal rights to your DD, at all, even if they got married, no legal rights. Worrying about her or her being stupid etc., don't even waste your precious time/energy spent on her, worry about co-parenting w/ your ex, getting CS w/ your ex & the appropriate visitation order is set in place. Keep in mind, that CS & visitation are separate. You can get CS, and your ex have legal rights to you DD but have ZERO visitation w/ her. Meaning, you'd get $ for your DD, he'd have the legal right to know about her education, religion & medical decisions, other than that, no visitation is discussed, unless...you get yourself a GOOD lawyer. I cannot stress that enough.

Sigh... I'm sorry you're going through this, I've seen a lot of things unfold like this, both w/ me & my ex and w/ my DH & his ex-wife along w/ the kids, the kids are the ones who end up paying the price. It's hard thing to deal w/ for them, and for the adults. It's hard for the adults to remain calm when you see the ugliness that a person is capable of. You have to remember that your emotions or feelings are separate from the laws. It's not fun too, not a fun place to be in.

If you want to talk, you can PM me... I know that this must be hard to talk about w/ people. Again, not a lawyer, but been around the block w/ these things. So have a lot of the ladies on BF's, they're a bunch of wonderful people who truly care about YOU & want to help YOU. I hope that you can get the answers you're looking for, or at least know that you have a place to go where we all "get it" & understand one another. Which we do.



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April 20th, 2010, 07:21 PM
nikki52687's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 686
We were never married. We do not go through a mediator. It is a judge. I do have a lawyer, I was actually sent there by another one, she told me he was the hardest person to win against in court and that I should atleast have a consult with him so that my ex could not get him.

He was not actually jailed for the theft he was just held on the warrant for not paying child support, basically just held until the hearing for it. And, it actually was not brought up, I had it in my paper work that the judge decided to not look at because he was in a hurry. And, I can't think straight during these things, and I didn't think about it, also, my lawyer didn't either and I didn't even realize it until after we left. The judge didn't want to hear anything I had to say or look over my paper work and my lawyer didn't really say much, honestly. He did get the visits supervised, which he said was the best we could have hoped for because they will not NOT give a father visits of some sort, no matter what. I also spoke with another lawyer and got his opinion, he told me the same thing, exactly.

So, we went in there knowing that he was going to give him overnights, and all we could hope for was that it be at his mothers house. Both lawyers said the same thing. So they did make it at her house, but not actually "supervised" like they were before. I was semi ok with this, until he didn't follow through.

Oh and the only reason I mentioned the stupid gf, is because I feel like they are not smart enough to make good decisions for my daughter. This man took her for a total of 3 hours for 3 months in a row, but the judge didn't consider any of that, he just kept saying you seem like a level headed guy trying to be a good dad....????

It is all so frustrating. I have been her only parent for 2 years and all of a sudden I have to hand her over to the man who repeatedly chose drinking over his DD, it seems CRAZY!!
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April 20th, 2010, 11:54 PM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 9,310
I so know your pain....

HI I'm Kris one of the co-hosts here. My story if fairly similar to yours except my ex is mentally ill. The courts don't care. They don't care about jail time unless it involves abuse to the child. I had a judge say "Well he threatened to kill the mom but not the child" This was after my lawyer told him that my ex not only threatened to kill me but ended up in a psych ward for 1 week after threatening suicide. This guy was honestly going to let my then 2 1/2 year old go with this completely unstable man. They are so afraid of getting reamed on parental rights.

Parental rights my @ S S! What about the child's rights!

All I can say is FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT. With everything you've got. I am 44 years old and totally broke. My credit is completely ruined even though I've worked at high paying jobs for 20 years. But my dd is safe. It cost me everything I had financially and emotionally but I don't regret it.

I am very lucky. My dd only went on 2-3 overnight visits with my ex. I was able to get supervised visits through an agency (thankfully he had no family to support him). I ended up paying $70 for 1 hour/week for them to see each other. In the long run it was a disaster.

But we do have a happy ending. I fought until he gave up his parental rights and my dh was able to adopt dd. Life is good now.

Hang in there and keep fighting!

My 2 miracles: Lucinda & Noah
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April 21st, 2010, 01:06 PM
Daisyfields's Avatar Platinum Super Mega Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: In the enchanted forest
Posts: 5,257
Originally Posted by My2miracles View Post
Parental rights my @ S S! What about the child's rights!

All I can say is FIGHT, FIGHT, FIGHT. With everything you've got. I am 44 years old and totally broke. My credit is completely ruined even though I've worked at high paying jobs for 20 years. But my dd is safe. It cost me everything I had financially and emotionally but I don't regret it.

But we do have a happy ending. I fought until he gave up his parental rights and my dh was able to adopt dd. Life is good now.

Hang in there and keep fighting!
Kris is right, FIGHT, and FIGHT some more. When I went to court the first time, it wasn't about visitation, paternity OR child support & when the District Attorney (representing me at the time) tried to bring up visits w/ my DS, that was quickly dismissed.

When I went to court for the CS, I also wanted to discuss visitation/custody, but...the judge said "this is a separate issue" and my ex didn't ask to go to court for it. Currently there is no visitation order, there is nothing. Technically, I don't have to let him see my DS but I do b/c my DS has half-sibs (twins) & he adores them, I also like my DS' step-mother (I know, this is odd), she's good to my DS, I like her way more than my ex. We've had our issues but I trust her w/ my DS more than my ex.

I'm sorry to not have introduced myself properly to you. I am Chantelle, the other co-host on Blended Families. I have a son from a previous relationship (I discussed that above), I was never married to my ex, my got married when our DS turned 3 & they (my ex & his wife) have twins that just turned 1 this month. I had to deal w/ the courts for my ex, but in the end, I had to hire an expensive attorney, I wasn't planning to do that, but my ex decided to serve me w/ papers w/ his fancy attorney (I was on the phone w/ his wife during this moment, literally). It was horrible, and going to court was NOT fun. Not only did they postpon the hearing for another date (my ex didn't come prepared w/ his W-2's that were requested of him)...so we waited more months to do that. Went to court and the judge STILL didn't give us her answer, she said she had made a decision but b/c of my ex being so upset (he was in tears, literally), she didn't want to have things escalate. She (the judge) didn't say she was waiting to mail her decision b/c of my ex crying but my attorney said that is why it happened that way.

On to my DH, he was married & had a child w/ his "high-school-witch" I mean "high-school-sweetheart" L-M-A-O!!! and had my step-son who will be 13 in Nov. of this year. His relationship w/ his ex-wife is HORRIBLE...co-parenting, there is none. She does what she wants, when she wants. My DH has, in black & white, a docket # from the courts that he is to see his son every other weekend overnight "AND" during the week. Not only does this NOT happen, it NEVER happens. She recently sent my DSS to a camp in Maine w/ her parents (DSS' maternal grandparents) w/ out asking permission or telling my DH, which is in breach of their legal terms. He didn't challenge her at all. She is a nut case & I am living proof that you CAN get along w/ an ex & their spouse, as long as they're sane & not crazy. I get along w/ my DS' dad & step-mom, but after all these years, no matter what I do, say, or try, she (DH's ex-wife) is a miserable witch who wants nothing more than to keep her son away from his father & siblings.

DH & I had 2 children in our marriage, one is going to be 4 in 2 weeks, the other is 2. My boys never see my DSS (their half-bro), and my DS lives w/ me & does see his father & half-sibs.

Any ways, I know what it's like to be in a horrible, legal battle, I know what it's like to fight for CS, custody, go through restraining orders, sick situations, cat fights for no good reason, getting CS, paying CS, having a decent situation for co-parenting w/ my ex & watching my DH get ignored for everything when it comes to his son, his flesh & blood. My DS just went to Canada w/ my family, and I called him & asked him if he was okay w/ that. Not only did he not have my DS this week, and I could have just sent him regardless, I didn't owe him that, but I felt like his father should know he'd be out of the country for a week & where he'd be cared for. Again, didn't have to do this, and I didn't do it for a pat on my back, I did it to be a good parent & friend. I want to be able to co-parent w/ my ex, I want the trust to be there on some level, and I want him to respect me just as much as I try to do for him & his family/wife. I think you get back what you put into things. If you give negative & nasty, you get that, and if you give positive & honey, you get that too. Obviously there are exceptions to these rules, some people are nuts, but all you can do is be the best person YOU can be, react the best way to all situations. You can't control others, but you can control you, that's a good thing to think about. If he (your ex) is out of control, then let him be, he will look stupid & unstable.

Now, back to your lawyer who "forgot" to mention things. I can 100% understand why you would forget, I would too, when you're before a judge in court, it's very intimidating & scary, you just want things to be over w/ & it's not a cozy place. However, your attorney, if you are paying for this attorney, which usually costs around $2k to obtain them, then $200 per hour afterwards (depending on what they do for you too), they absolutely MUST be making sure that all the "i's" are dotted & all the "t's" are crossed. It seems to me that something was skipped & you can petition to have things modified based on the safety of your child. Period. So if your current lawyer isn't doing the job, get rid of her/him & get a new one. Just because someone has a law degree, doesn't mean they're good. I've had 2 lawyers in my past that were HORRIBLE and yes, I paid for them! Now, I know you get what you pay for & if they do all the work for you, they are there for you, make sure all is explained & never let a stone get unturned, then they are doing their job, if not, they're not doing their job & it's clear that you need to fight w/ someone who will.

Okay, I've written a small book here but I wanted to respond to you, then add to Kris' and explain/introduce myself & my situations.

The ladies here are great, everyone cares for the best interest of YOU & how to get you to NOT experience the anger or pain that we've had to go through. I hope you find the support here that I know I have.

Talk to us any time.

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