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Forum: Blended Families


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June 14th, 2010, 10:43 PM
AndyBee's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Gresham, OR
Posts: 692
I desperately want to build a good relationship with bio mom. How is it done? She refuses to meet with me, email, text, phone, no contact whatsoever. So how can I possibly start to build a relationship with her? Do I just stand back and wait until she gets over whatever it is? I feel like no matter what I do, it will only push her farther away.

Why do I want a relationship with her? Well, in six months I'll be having a child. This child will be her daughter's sibling. What will happen if bf dies? Will our children still know each other? I fear that our two children will grow up without knowing what it's like to have siblings. My sister and brother are my best friends. I grew up with my sister, but my brother never lived with us. I never took the time we spent together for granted.

I don't expect us to be buddy buddy. I do however expect us to be mature, and think about our children. I'm just so lost, and don't know where to turn.

Special thanks to AlexAiden Mommy for my precious siggy
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June 14th, 2010, 11:34 PM
ToonTownGirl's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 729
Originally Posted by AndyBee View Post
I don't expect us to be buddy buddy. I do however expect us to be mature, and think about our children. I'm just so lost, and don't know where to turn.
Well I've been with DF for 2.5 years and it will be a cold day in you know where when I can even be allowed in the same room as both of my step kid's "monsters". I have tried everything in the book to be nice, and try to be "friendly". Seriously, you are beating a dead horse. If she isn't willing to be "friendly" there is NOTHING that you can do about it. Honestly, IMHO, I wouldn't waste anymore energy on it. She is loving the fact that you are scrambling to be her friend. In my experiences, there is no use. I love those kids like they are my own, and they hate it. They do everything in their power to say and do anything to make those kids hate me, and it fails every single time.

Yes, it sucks, and yes it's hard to understand why these woman can't be mature and deal with life as it comes at them. But instead they get bitter and figure that we are trying to "steal" their kids, when in reality, all we want is to love and protect their kids as much as they do.

The reality is, I would bet nickels to dimes that it will never happen. Make things as great as you can for your step kid when he/she is with you and take it from there. But please, for the love of Pete, please don't "wait" for her to grow up and finally see that this is beneficial for everyone involved.

This is just my outlook on it, but I gave up a LONG time ago, trying to be friends with the bio-monsters. It's a complete waste of time and energy for me. They are spam to me. I don't look at them, I don't see them, and I sure as heck don't talk to them. I have no need to.

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*Kiliki* for my beautiful siggie!

1st Miscarriage - not planned - June 29, 2010

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June 15th, 2010, 10:58 AM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 9,310
I wish you the best. I hope you can get it to work.

I've been married to my Dh for 4 1/2 years with him for 5 1/2 and I've only seen his ex twice. I've never spoken to her on the phone or through email. I don't expect I ever will.

It's sad but it's the way it is. I've heard stories of exes that can get along with currents but I don't know anyone in that situation.

My 2 miracles: Lucinda & Noah
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June 15th, 2010, 01:55 PM
Daisyfields's Avatar Platinum Super Mega Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: In the enchanted forest
Posts: 5,257
Wanting a good relationship w/ bio-mom is noble, it's positive & would be the best outcome, however, not all bio-mom(s) are going to want you in their lives & you have to accept that. You trying to be nice will always be twisted around, no matter what you do or say, and that's not healthy for anyone. I have a relationship w/ my DS' step-mom but I do not have a relationship w/ my DSS' bio-mom, and I know I never will. You can't make something happen like that, it either works or it doesn't. At this point, just keep the doors open for her if & when she is willing to talk to you, and then you can have a dialogue then, discussing how it's about the kids, not you or her, it's not.

Listen, in a perfect world, all would be great & all would get along. But this is reality & it doesn't work that way. I hope she changes one day but I wouldn't hold my breath until, b/c you may be holding your breath forever.


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