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June 24th, 2010, 04:50 PM
jeweluv's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,420
Hey Everyone...I'm 27 and a step mom to two amazing children Jackie, 9, and Drew, 6. I am a mom to a lil girl, Evyn Jewel.

It is always interesting being a step mom...I love all my kids but it gets tough sometimes. My DSD is a tween now (so different then when i was young)...and is pulling the attitude thing lately...even with me (we were buddy buddy for a while) She has major jealous issues with my dd, which I do my best to diffuse...but 1, her mother plays into them (she is no joke, devious) and 2, it is in mt DSD's nature to want to be the center of attention.

What are your families like?

ps...we're looking to try and get preg again!
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June 25th, 2010, 09:10 AM
Daisyfields's Avatar Platinum Super Mega Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: In the enchanted forest
Posts: 5,257
Welcome to Blended Families, glad you found us!

My name is Chantelle, I'm one of the co-hosts here on BF's, I am both a bio & step mom. I have a son who will be turning 10 in few months, I was never married to his bio-dad (my ex), my DS' bio-dad is married, has twins (boy/girl, ages 1). Then My DH has a son from his 1st marriage, who will be turning 13 in a few months. She is not married & doesn't have additional children. Together DH & I had two more boys, ages 4 & almost 3. It's been a ride w/ being a step-mother, I don't really see my DSS, he doesn't live close by & his bio-mom isn't supportive of him being a part of his father's family, which is sad. My DS sees his bio-dad at least once if not twice a month, there is no geographical issues & my DS enjoys his sibs., and I've always encouraged it.

I've seen the jealousy thing play out & it's hard, I'm not lying about how hard too. I've also seen the issues w/ the step-child not respecting me or the home/rules, and that can be a difficult thing to handle, but b/c we barely see him, the issues are rare & not something I have to deal w/ weekly or even monthly for that matter. Which is truly sad.

Tweens are hard, how has that been a challenge for you? What has the jealousy been like? How is your DH being supportive & helping in that area? Does he see it or look the other way (my DH looks the other way 90% of the time, that's why I ask).

Again, welcome to BF's, the gals here are WONDERFUL!!! They are truthful, supportive & helpful, I've never seen any info given that isn't from the heart or their own BTDT experiences.

If you need anything, let me know, you can PM me as well.

Please, jump in & start posting/replying.


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June 25th, 2010, 05:21 PM
jeweluv's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,420
Hey!! It is so great to meet other mommy's who are in my situation!! Thanks for sharing =0)

So...my SDD is 9...and we were and kind of are super tight. My SDS has always been mroe standoffish .....but this is also just him (we expected the divorce to hit Jackie harder...but in retrospect..think it hit DRew harder.)...Jackie is the older...my dh and his ex divorced when she was 5 and he was 3. (they are now 9..and almost 7) I know EVERYONE prob says this....but his ex is devious..I'm talking PATHOLOGICAL LIAR...and the worst kind because most people would never know..she is an accomplished doctor and make s agood first impression. I CERTAINLY DO NOT JUDGE PEOPLE WITH MENTAL DISORDERS...(I have OCD)....but we believe she is borderline personality and a lot of time with people like this, their goal is to divide and conquer. They haeva hard time maintaining relationship with more than one person at a time..and also, have a hard time sharing those they love. I'm sure you can imagine the tugging that goes on here. My dh and I have never spoke ill of her.....she, in front of me, has bashed my dh plenty of times..in front of the kids...with things that were lies (i knew bc they were based on events that I was present for)...soo sad =0( Before my dh and I got married and had my dd...she told the kids "don't worry, mommy would never do that to you because I love you too much." As if, their father being happily married meant less love for them. I can't believe she would sacrifice her children's well being for her own personal gain. These are just some of the things she does...BELIEVE ME THERE IS A HUGE PAST! My dh's ex works only two days a week (we have the kids completel 50/50...and yet he pays a huge child support).....We actually have them more..and since I am a SAHM, I usually am the one caring for them (my pleasure)....she likes to run marathons and live the good life....though sings a whole other tune to the neighborhood. (she rumors that my dh cheated on her with me!)...now..if you know me, which lol you don't.....I AM SOO not that kind of woman! I would never do that and my dh would never either!! We are honorable people....I didn't even sleep with anyone till I was engaged...sorry tmi, but now you know that there was no way that we cheated!
It's really hard...because I attend all of their school functions to support them and get shunned because of the horrible things she says! I try to just hold my head up high. Not to mention..she is 40 ad I am 27, and although I have had a lot of life experience ..........this causes more trouble.
Jackie, lately, has been very jealous of Evyn. She told her mom that it's hard for me to give her enough time because I'm always with Evyn. (she was referring to teh afternoons she is with us after schhol)...now...I said to Jackie "Jackie, if you feel this way, please explain so I can make it better." I asked her "do you think i don't help you enough with your homework?" she said "no"...I asked "would you like me to be sitting right beside you while you do it?" she said "no"....I said so what exactly is the problem?" and she said "well, I just don't want you to be with Evyn, my dd." I told her this wasn't fair as a parents first job is to protect their children and since Evyn is only 16 months...she requires more protection; the same protection she got when she was Evyn's age.
As you can see...the jealousy really has to do with Jackie sharing attention. She likes to have the spotlight. This saddens me because I am a firm believer in children, especially girls, not growing up too fast.
She has also questioned why Evyn get sso much attention (from others)....I told her, all babies do because there is an innocense to the young; just like puppies. She really is just having a hard time with all this. She gets plenty of afttention and honestly, prob the most of all 3 kids! We still do just her and I things (like sat night girl talk)..so that she knows her place in my heart still.
Sometimes I feel resentful because their mother treats me like I'm the next au pair (which she has had plenty of).....there's never a thanks.....or if there is one, it's in a condescending way. My dh is usually on the same page as me.......he believes that they act up because of his Ex...but in all honesty, some of it is there needing to change....and they, even though they are young, need to own this....he will never admit to that though.
Thanks for letting me vent...it isn't every day (actually never)...that I really get to talk about this with someone that knows firsthand....soooo...now you know my deal!!!
At our wedding...my SDD literally wore a small bridal gown and walked beside me...I let her be the star of the show and my step kids came on our honeymoon...to help Jackie adjust to my dd, she picked the middle name. Once in a while, when I get kicked by either of them, I do honestly feel resentful inside.

Hope you are well...and I know that is takes a strong mom to be a step mom!!
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June 26th, 2010, 02:42 PM
Daisyfields's Avatar Platinum Super Mega Mommy
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: In the enchanted forest
Posts: 5,257
It's hard to deal w/ anyone who has a mother who can be difficult or act out of character. I mean, having people who lie or just go out of their way to be nasty, no matter what, is wrong. And ultimately, the children suffer. It's sad to see any parent try to divide the kids & make them chose sides or behave that way. I can only speak from my own experience, I do what ever I can NOT to be that type of person, although in the beginning I was a jealous gal & didn't want some person I didn't know babysitting him or changing him. I was extremely territorial & had many fights about it. I have grown up a lot in the past 11 years-ish & I know that I'm not a perfect gal but I certainly try to work hard to make things work.

When it comes to my DSS, his mother is everything of the opposite, rude, irritating, mean, callous, calculated, vindictive & loves to make up stories. She's left threatening messages on my v/mail and emails. I've saved them all, you never know. I've had it w/ her, I refuse to engage in her behavior, although my door is closed it's not bolted shut, so if she ever decides to grow up & act right, I'd be happy to do that w/ her. Until then, she doesn't exist to me. At least as much as possible.

Being a step-mother is hard, harder I think than being a mother to your own kids. You have boundaries in discipline and at the same time you need to be respected, but w/ out crossing "the line" b/c God forbid something isn't to HER liking, I do hear of it. I've never laid a hand on him, but I have given him "time-outs" or told him "no" and EVERY SINGLE TIME, w/ in minutes of dropping him off at home, we're called to have her scream at my DH about how I can't be the one to tell him "no" or "discipline".... what ever... if my DH is there & not going to do anything, I most certainly will, and if DH isn't around, I let DSS know that he has crossed my line & not being respectful. I have said very firmly "you do not have to like or love me, but you WILL respect me!" Time has evolved since his cranky behavior in the beginning so it's not nearly as bad, but it's also b/c we never see him. I try hard to be nicer, warmer & I've warmed up to him. But it's hard when this person comes into your home & turns it upside down & has all these repercussions once they leave. It almost feels like you are suffocating and once they leave you can breath. I feel like if the custodial parent (in most cases bio-mom) could be supportive, they'd (the step-children) would behave so much better.

I'm glad you are able to vent, it's what we're here for & anytime you want to chat, we're here to do just that.

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June 26th, 2010, 03:50 PM
jeweluv's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,420
you know, I think you are soo right...being a stepmom can deff be more challenging.....that's not to say one is necessarily always harder, but it does propose difference stresses. It sounds like we are dealing with very similar people. We do see the kids a lot.....and the oldest is starting to act out. Because they are so used to having a maid (nice, that my dh's child support allows for this)...that when they are here, they NEVER pick up after themselves either. Whenever I ask...it's the eye rolls! I do love them...but there is a difference between them and my child; I hate to admit it. Also..I think because they have their own mother, this may be why I feel this way. My dad, was actually my step dad for a while. My father left my motehr when she was preg and when I was about 2...she met my dad. He later legally adopted me. To him, I have always been the same as my brother, his birth child. I also have never felt that he was not my dad. This is a lot different though. It is so nice to be able to vent...I really have no one around in my situation...THANKS!
Most recently...she went on a trip to Cali but lied to the kdis and said she was going for work. She wanted us to partake in this lie...I WASNT HAPPY. So, the ngiht that she is to drop them off...she keeps them out with her WAY PAST THEIR BEDTIME......sugars them up and buys them toys (not even kidding)...by the time she gets here with them they are clinging to her (which she is loving)...she replies to them "mommy, doesn't want to leave you but she has to.....I have to work so I can buy you nice things." the flames were shooting out of my head. Well, for about a week (we had them).....I was driving them to and from school everyday....whicvh was hectic because they are in a diff school district and there is an hour between and start and finish of their schools. The whole time, they are complaining about the way I do things...I was feeling resentful...and hurt. Eventually I used the work "vacation" in reference to where mommy was and Jax freaked out saying "SHE'S NOT ON VACATION, and I'm going to tell her that's what you said." We get home...she runs to call her mother and then she tells me that mommy said I just say things to upset her. Nice huh? Seems like we are dealing with two very devious people. It is so funny that you used the word calculated because that is waht dh and I always say about her....she plots and plans...which makes it that much more disturbing!
How do your boys handle the other children?
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June 27th, 2010, 10:09 AM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 9,310
Ughhhh! being a stepmom is so not fun!

I struggle with it all the time. We even went 1 1/2 years without Dh's 2 dd's being in our house. Dh saw them even though they live 4 hours away. But my 2 kids & I didn't. Mind you my son is 1 dd's half brother & dh adopted my dd from my previous marriage so legally she is the same as my son to my dh and both of them.

The oldest dd is now 15 and a real piece of work. I suspect she & her bio mom have borderline personality disorder as well - untreated. Makes things fun. The youngest is a doll and has now been here for her 1st visit. It has been going really well despite the fact the dh ended up having an emergency appendectomy Wed & has been in the hospital ever since.

Now all of a sudden today things have taken a turn. Dsd who is 11 1/2 has decided that 2 Barbies that she left here 2 years ago must go home with her. They ended up in my dd's general population of dolls (she just turned 8) and she is upset at losing them. Uggghhhh! It really confounds me because I stopped playing with Barbies when I was 10 and that was 34 years ago. I know dsd isn't going to play with them so why do that????? No explanation so we're going with the flow. I told dd that I would buy her 2 new Barbies later today when dsd leaves.

I thought we wouldn't struggle with this one but I guess we will.

I know her sister is very jealous of my dd. I am an over protective, over indulgent parent and her bio mom definitely is not. I refuse to parent my children differently because of my dh's ex or anyone else for that matter. So the fun will continue.....

My 2 miracles: Lucinda & Noah
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June 27th, 2010, 11:07 AM
jeweluv's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,420
SOOOOO wierd that you said that...............bc i think thats why mt SDD is jealous; I am a doting mother who is always around and her mom is not. As for the borderline person.....it is always ahrd for anyone who has a disorder ....it's sad and difficult for them, and not always their fault....however, their is some responsibility that has to be accounted for. You can't endlessly hurt people and not try to make some sort of amends........
I'm sorry that your SDD is taking those dolls..sounds spiteful..=0( My SDD is always comparing and contrasting her to my dd....it gets eshausting especially because i have gone to some extraudianry mesaures to prove my love for her!
Hang in there..and believe in karma =0)
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July 21st, 2010, 12:25 PM
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 15
I haven't been able to read everyones replies yet, but I have a lot of problems with the ex causing problems with my oldest DSD. She is going to be 9 soon and I have a 5 month old daughter. She tells my DSD's that their new baby sister is ugly (she has never seen her), that she has a boys name, that we should have killed her (aborted her but she says kill to them). It's awful. DSD has had dreams of her mom coming and killing her sister even. There are many many more issues. She has abused the girls and we cannot get anyone to do anything (even child protection because there is no evidence it physically happened.... LONG LONG story). She has PTSD and lots of issues. Somedays I do not think I can handled it any more.
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