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Out of control? Red flags? so many issues... more of a rant than help needed.


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  #1  
November 3rd, 2010, 08:34 AM
Daisyfields's Avatar Platinum Super Mega Mommy
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(beginning of rant)

DSS has been out of control, literally. It's to the point that he's telling his BM to BLEEP-OFF & calling her a D.Bag... to her face. If he doesn't get what he wants, when he wants, he calls her names, runs out of the house & runs away, the list goes on.

I had talked to her, BM, and basically mentioned how if this were MY child (and this wasn't my child) but if I was parenting this child, I'd be doing certain things (i.e., taking away privileges such as XBox, Cell phones, after-school play-dates/friends, etc.), I also said something along the lines of how he seems to not appreciate much of what he has & nothing he has is ever enough, and once he gets something new, he goes back to being rude & disrespectful, calling her names, etc. His BDay is approaching & he's been texting both myself & my DH, asking us for this new iPod touch. Not only do we NOT have the xtra $ for that costly present, but I don't feel like he deserves it. BM said that her son (my DSS) did in fact need clothes. Long story short, my DH & his ex had a "talk" & they both seemed to agree that he wouldn't be getting this iPod touch (at least that is what they've agreed upon as of last weekend)...I told DH that if he needs clothes, let's get him clothes.

My DS' although SOOOO not perfect, never claimed them to be, if they EVER told me to BLEEP-OFF or called me a D.-Bag! O-M-G!!!! I'd seriously take EVERYTHING away from such child. No toys, no TV, no nothing other than food, school, medical, etc. No way, never.

The problem w/ DSS, he has never been told "no"...when ever he wants a present, he gets it. He is never told "no"...

I talked more w/ DSS' BM & she said that her new boyfriend, it's causing a wedge w/ him (new boyfriend from her work who has no kids, never been married etc.) She said that he's upset w/ the treatment of the child, which I can see & he no longer wants to go to see her when the child is around. Honestly, when I met my DH, and had my DS, we were a package deal, you had to take both me & my son. What is she thinking? This is her 2nd boyfriend that doesn't like her DS, this is her 2nd love interest that seems to be taking over & not her own son. What is going on w/ her? I really wish she'd a) deal w/ the child's behavior & b) stop complaining to me & my DH how her new boyfriend doesn't like her son (my DSS)... honestly, if her boyfriend doesn't like her child, that's a deal breaker & he needs to be kicked to the curb, fast!

I get that the child is acting wrong, and no person w/ out a child is probably ready for that or wants to deal w/ that (and I don't blame them), but that means that she needs to handle her son & no focus on her love-life. When I was alone before I met my DH, my priority was my DS, and there were many "men" that either were not a good "match" for my already made family, which was just the way things were. I had to be honest w/ myself & know that if a person couldn't handle my son, or my ex, then they wouldn't be able to stand the hands of time in my life. I just don't get why she's wasting time on a man who's already not wanting to spend time w/ her b/c her DS is home b/c he doesn't like him & his behavior. That's a RED flag!

(end rant)
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  #2  
November 3rd, 2010, 10:10 AM
ToonTownGirl's Avatar Super Mommy
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Wow, that sucks Chantelle {{hugs}}

I hope that she will come into the real world and realize what she is doing isn't healthy for her son.

Sucks all around, and yes I agree, RED flags everywhere... but these women don't see that. You know my situation where RED FLAGS should have been flown left right and centre, and nothing has been done and it's still occurring.
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  #3  
November 3rd, 2010, 10:17 AM
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I agree and disagree at the same time. Is that possible? Let me explain.

If her son is misbehaving, she definitely needs to handle his behavior and get him under control. I definitely think he's acting out because he already knows that he can get away with it and he knows that any man his mom may see will not like it and not want to be around him, and thus not want to be around her.

Which leads me to why I disagree. If she kicks said man to the curb, her son wins. He wants his mom all to himself and if she allows him to control her love life now, she will have to wait till he's out of her house and probably longer to go on with her life, kwim?
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  #4  
November 3rd, 2010, 10:42 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rachel View Post

Which leads me to why I disagree. If she kicks said man to the curb, her son wins. He wants his mom all to himself and if she allows him to control her love life now, she will have to wait till he's out of her house and probably longer to go on with her life, kwim?
Well I would have to disagree with you on this Rachel. Like Chantelle said before, her and her DS were a packaged deal. This new BF doesn't want to be around the kid... well the sorry buddy, don't date a woman with a child then.... simple as that.
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  #5  
November 3rd, 2010, 10:52 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ToonTownGirl View Post
Well I would have to disagree with you on this Rachel. Like Chantelle said before, her and her DS were a packaged deal. This new BF doesn't want to be around the kid... well the sorry buddy, don't date a woman with a child then.... simple as that.

I have to agree with Rachel on this one and thankfully my Dh does as well or I would be divorced twice.

There's a difference between a guy saying "I don't want to deal with kids" and a guy saying "your kid is a behavioral issue I I CAN'T deal with that"

My Dh's oldest is no longer welcome in my home. I gave him the option of choosing her over me btw - I would have walked away gracefully - but he wouldn't for the exact reasons Rachel posted. I tried everything to have a relationship with this girl & she chose to be disrespectful and downright deceitful. Dh recognizes that the issue is with her & not with me.
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  #6  
November 3rd, 2010, 03:37 PM
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I have to agree with Rachael. It sounds like the behavior is why the Boyfriend does not want to be around the son.

I also think the behavior needs to be dealt with NOW deal with the boyfriend later!
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  #7  
November 3rd, 2010, 04:08 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ToonTownGirl View Post
Well I would have to disagree with you on this Rachel. Like Chantelle said before, her and her DS were a packaged deal. This new BF doesn't want to be around the kid... well the sorry buddy, don't date a woman with a child then.... simple as that.
I don't see it as simple as that. Yes, if a man told me when I had two small children that I don't want to be around kids, then yes, that would be a deal breaker. But if that same man wanted to meet my kids and we hung out together long enough for him to meet my kids and my kid misbehaved so much in his presence that he said he no longer wanted to hang out with me when my kids were home, I would seriously consider that my kids might be the problem, especially if it happened more than once. That's all I'm saying. He might be a really great guy, and it's not really fair to him if everyone sees the kid being a total jerk and mom doing nothing to fix his behavior.

And it really does sound to me like the kid is doing everything in his power to sabotage his mom's new relationship. He shouldn't be allowed to control who his mom dates. Even though she's a mom first, she's still a woman and entitled to see who she wants to see.
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  #8  
November 4th, 2010, 09:29 AM
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I read this last night just didn't get a chance to respond. I'm going to have to go with the group and say it sounds more like the mom has to learn to discipline the child better. If it was a case where he just didn't want to be around kids period. Then I say dump him. But he's stating that he can't be around her and her child as long as he continues to behave the way he does. It's a tough spot for everyone involved all around.
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  #9  
November 4th, 2010, 11:07 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rachel View Post
I agree and disagree at the same time. Is that possible? Let me explain.

If her son is misbehaving, she definitely needs to handle his behavior and get him under control. I definitely think he's acting out because he already knows that he can get away with it and he knows that any man his mom may see will not like it and not want to be around him, and thus not want to be around her.

Which leads me to why I disagree. If she kicks said man to the curb, her son wins. He wants his mom all to himself and if she allows him to control her love life now, she will have to wait till he's out of her house and probably longer to go on with her life, kwim?

Normally I would 100% understand "and" agree w/ that statement "except"...the last boyfriend she had, and she had him for 6 or so years, maybe longer, don't recall exactly, he didn't like the child either & would constantly "break up" w/ her b/c he didn't want a child in his life, didn't want that "responsibility"... etc. (hello? if you are dating a parent w/ a kid, that sort of comes w/ the package deal but what ever...) now... let me get back to that. She would ALWAYS send her DS to her parents house OR her sisters' house to get rid of her DS so that she could be w/ her "ex"... long story short, her now "ex" finally had it & he's done & gone. Now she's on to the "next" guy & he's already ready to walk & she's told me that & I told her how I get how hard it can be to adjust w/ a child but she needed to control him (the child) before it got out of hand, and to send the child away & let him do what he wants or giving in, isn't going to do it.
The child is crying for "help" & it's working.

This child (my DSS), use to pull (and sometimes still does) the same B.S. w/ us, and for a long time, he'd act out so bad I'd cry about it in my room, lock myself alone b/c he was horrible to me & the kids. I hated it when he was around & I'm guessing he's doing the same thing to this young lad. This is where w/ Rachel, I agree that if you let him go, and focus on the child, it allows the child to "win"...but there is a deeper issue here. And I mean "deep"...this child has been allowed to curse, hit, and call his mother names. He does what he wants when he wants "AND" then get rewarded for it! That's right...let's not only buy him something, but let's buy him something expensive & let him go to fancy places w/ his friends! This is NOT okay but it's her way of parenting the child. And again, she's creating a monster. My theory is that she will never find a man who is able to handle the child b/c the child is beyond control, he's almost 13 & he's out of control. When I met my DSS, he was 5 going on 6, so I had time to do this & he learned over time that I wasn't going anywhere, that I was his father's wife, his brother's mother & that was that. Period. He learned fast that I had rules & he would be following them. It wasn't easy, still have to argue w/ him at times but it's 100% better than it was in the beginning. Looking back, at the beginning, if I knew how much work he was going to be, not expanding our family, I'm not sure I'd be here. He's a lot of work. I can only imagine how this young man, a person who doesn't have kids, never been married, just likes this person, who seems nice, and then meets this teen who is OUT OF CONTROL acting like a punk! Driving a bike w/ out a helmet, cursing & disrespecting, how he'd say "I don't need this garbage"... I'm gone! Why would he put up w/ that? He has nothing invested, why go there? I wouldn't. I'd run for the hills & fast, never to turn back too. But at the same time, she's (my DSS' bio-mom) sending her DS away all the time to everyone's house so that she can have dinner w/ her new boyfriend, have him sleep over etc., b/c God forbid she handle her DS that is hers. It's not right, both ends.
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  #10  
November 4th, 2010, 11:15 AM
Daisyfields's Avatar Platinum Super Mega Mommy
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rachel View Post
He shouldn't be allowed to control who his mom dates. Even though she's a mom first, she's still a woman and entitled to see who she wants to see.

Being a mom is her #1 priority, it's her job that she has to do aside from being alive. Does that mean she can't be happy or she doesn't have the right to date? No. But if a guy in her life tells her that they don't like kids (as her last boyfriend said for 6+ years) then you have to look at that & kick the guy to the curb. The child, (my DSS), liked the last boyfriend, even though he didn't like the child. He really did. Even though the guy didn't want to be involved. He knew him for a good part of his life. To me, she's just not picking well. She's meeting these men that have "crushes" on her from work (she told me) & they don't like her kid & it's putting a "major wedge" in their relationship. A relationship that they've had for maybe a couple or 3 months at best? Really? If it's already having that many problems in the HONEYMOON stage of the relationship, it's not a good place to be, it's a red flag that it's not gonna get better. Big time! These are the months that you're in gaga land & feeling like you can't sleep at night b/c you can't wait to talk or see the guy, not b/c you're so stressed out b/c of your kid getting in the way of the guy coming over. She actually said to me "he wouldn't come over last night b/c he said he couldn't deal w/ him so we couldn't see each other because of him" (him being my DSS, her DS). That's horrible! On both ends! Really? She's going to allow a child to do that? And...she's going to blame her relationship going down the toilet on her child? Even better! That's great to add to the mix.

This whole thing is a recipe for a disaster.
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  #11  
November 4th, 2010, 11:56 AM
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I fully believe that if DH & I divorced or had never gotten together, his oldest would have treated ANYONE he was with badly. Should he be alone forever?

I'm talking generalities here but still. The #1 issue is she needs to get her kid under control.

She is a mother but just like you and I, she is a woman too & deserve to have relationships with people other than her child.

So I fall into this guys category. I absolutely don't like Dh's daughter. I want nothing to do with her. She is a mean, spiteful, conniving brat.
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  #12  
November 4th, 2010, 12:54 PM
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Originally Posted by My2miracles View Post
I'm talking generalities here but still. The #1 issue is she needs to get her kid under control.

She is a mother but just like you and I, she is a woman too & deserve to have relationships with people other than her child.
^ This.

Yes she needs to get her child under control, but it sounds like to me that the issues is that the guys don't not want to be around kids in general, they just don't want to be around her kid. That's a little different and not necessarily a deal breaker. It would suck nonetheless, to hear that, but it would also force me to take a good hard look at my parenting and ask myself "what the heck is wrong with my kid and how do I fix it?"
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  #13  
November 5th, 2010, 07:50 AM
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Originally Posted by Rachel View Post
it would also force me to take a good hard look at my parenting and ask myself "what the heck is wrong with my kid and how do I fix it?"
AMEN!!!! Exactly! If you have 2 men, in a course of 10 years that have left you or can't be w/ you b/c of your child, as you said...as much as it hurts, you have to take a step back & ask yourself "what is going on w/ my parenting?" Everyone loves their children, and no one wants to admit that their kids are bad or behaving horribly. But we all know that our kids aren't angels. They're not, unless they're babies, newborns I mean. Toddlers even have their moments of tempers & being bad. It's a matter of really looking at the amount of respect she is demanding of the child but at this point, the child is not longer really a child, he's a teen...she's created this "monster"...she has him on ADHD medications, and she used to think it was that. The child should have been in therapy/counseling this entire time. But...that never happened. He's just controlling HER life. It's sad. No one wants to hear from not only 1 man, but from a second that their child is "bad" or "they don't want to be around" b/c of the child. That has to be a difficult blow. But like you said Rachel, it would force you to look at yourself & wonder "what am I doing wrong?" ....but she's not...she's just making him go to other homes (i.e., her parents, her sister, her ex (my house), whom ever else)....sending the child away is making the child more angry & the child can't go away forever. The boyfriend's going to eventually think "why is she willing to send the child away for me?" that's another bad sign that she's weak to me. It's not good. Both ways. She deserves to be happy but she has to deal w/ her son too. She can't allow him to continue down this road.
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  #14  
November 23rd, 2010, 10:40 PM
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the only thing I can add is...

children need to be told no and need to learn how to deal with disappointment...

I too have a stepchild who was never told no...
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  #15  
November 28th, 2010, 12:51 PM
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Wow, how horrible. This child has no respect at all. I read all the posts here and I just feel so bad for you guys in this situation. Let me ask you, you said that DSS used to pull that stuff with you but not anymore, or rarely. Do you know why? Is it that he respects you two more, or that he just doesnt have a loyalty issue there because you came into his life so young?

you and the BM may have your heart to hearts about his behavior (and I think that is wonderful!! I really do) but have you brought these united feelings of dissapointment to the child? Have you sat down at the table with him and all three of you and tell him how his behavior is affecting the family? Your presence (and DH's) might give BM strength. Two parents he respects uniting with his BM he walks all over might be a wake up for DSS. Sometimes you just have to tell a child the truth - "because of your actions, there are people in this world that dont want to be around you, how does that make you feel? because it makes us feel like we failed you as parents...because the three of us have raised a child that is disrepectful and mean, and we are saddened by that!" Dont just blame mom. the child needs to see the unity. He may blame mom, but seeing that you and DH feel you are to blame too may affect him. All the things BM wants to do, like take electronics away and such, should be told to him right there. "If you ______ then you will lose ______ for _____ days/hours." I know the first thing going through your head is - will the mom give in. Well, we dont know do we. But at least you can try, maybe your strength and you backing her up will give her the boost she needs. I definatly think that even though BM maybe have created this problem if you keep looking at it saying "well its her fault, she needs to wake up and parent this child!" it wont get better. Because it sounds like she wont do it on her own. So I recommend getting together with DH and BM and having a nice long conversation about what your nice long converstation with DSS will be. Get it all ready. Right the standards and punishments down. Empower her, and get her siked up! Tell her that once the groundwork is layed she can take over from there, and you two will back her up.

Dh and I had to do this with BM once, it was the night before her wedding. We sat down with her and the new stepfather and explained to Sd that the way she was acting up until the wedding was inappropriate! It took a united front, and BM asked us for that support, we gave it to her.
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