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Forum: Blended Families


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December 23rd, 2010, 04:48 PM
AndreaRenee's Avatar raising boys...
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Manhattan Beach, CA
Posts: 6,053
gosh, this blended family thing is just so hard....

I know I dont post here often so I'll give you the brief recap.

dh and I have been together for 8 years (married for 2.5), I met my sd when she was 4, she's 12 now. Biomom is in the picture, good mom, we share custody 50-50. Dh and I had our son 17 months ago.

I had very high hopes that being her stepmom would be fun, we would be a little family, I could help my hub raise his daughter... but its continually been getting harder and harder. There are so many things that happen when my sd is at our house, I could go on for days. The bottom line is, her behavior is just unacceptable. Not listening, constant complaining, super needy, very controlling, manipulative, rude, demanding, ungrateful.... and the part that makes me want to give up is that my dh doesnt see it, thats his angel, he treats her like gold and pampers her to no end... hence why she's the way she is.

I feel like I'm working night and day to instill manners, values and such in her and its getting me no place. She tells dh that I'm mean, that she thinks I hate her and dont want her around. The truth is, I love her... but I dont love her behavior. And trust me, I understand kids are annoying and misbehave, hers is much more than that... its just weird behavior, its very annoying and I know something just isnt right.

I try to look at myself and ask myself whats really going on... the conclusion I come to every time is that what she does is just not normal and I shouldnt have to just live with it. I should be able to discuss the issues with my husband and he should address them and take them seriously. Instead he defends her, makes excuses for her... his precious perfect angel can do no wrong. And after all these years, I'm getting so sick of it.

One of the biggest things I cant tolerate is her challenging/questioning me about how to care for my son. If I put him to bed earlier than usual, she says "why are you putting him to bed now? he doesnt go to bed until 7:30" and I respond my reason and she continues to argue. When he wasnt even born yet, she was directing me on how to wash his clothing and how to organize them (not suggesting, directing), when he was 3 weeks old and was crying and I picked him up, she said "why do you always get to be the one who picks him up" and lots of times I have to say "well I am his mother..." and she told me on sunday it hurts her feelings when I say that... wth else should I say when I'm being challenged by a child???? When I talk to dh about her challenging me, he says its normal, kids test boundaries... really??? over and over, in spite of being told to stop, in spite of getting in trouble for doing it? It just seems stupid, and it seems that she has no respect for my requests. Essentially when she's at our house, I feel like my husbands other child, I feel powerless and that what I say means nothing to them.

Its left me feeling depressed. When she's here, I'm quiet and keep to myself. In my head, I'm thinking a lot. Thinking wow, she left her candy wrappers all over the couch again, wow she didnt take her dirty dishes to the sink again, wow she cant shower without leaving the bathroom door open and shouting down to us the entire time out of insecurity, wow she's complaining about food again, wow shes questioning me again about my mother role with my son

Ugh, I'm in such a funk... someone give me some hope... as of now, I have none, I see things getting worse instead of better
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December 23rd, 2010, 09:47 PM
Rachel's Avatar Just Rachel
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Taneytown, MD
Posts: 115,722
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Honestly, it sounds more like a hormonal about to be teenage girl thing to me more than anything. Teenage girls are so hard to deal with, but add in the extra blended family issues and you have your hands full.

It doesn't sound to me that she's acting out so much as she's just being 12. I hate to tell you, but it will probably get worse before it gets better. I think the best advice anyone every gave me about parenting was "don't sweat the small stuff". Sure candy wrappers and dirty dishes are annoying and they are one of the things that set me off too with my kids and step-kids, but I think looking at the bigger picture is more important. I mean, yes she should clean up after herself, but a nice reminder when you are not angry about it will go over so much better.

((hugs)) Teen girls are so hard. There were days that I wanted to throttle my own daughter when she was going through puberty. I think it lasted till she uh, had her baby a week ago at 22.
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December 24th, 2010, 06:39 AM
Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 972
I have a 15 year old SD and it's the age!!! The mouth on her and the rule breaking is insane!

We had an issue this week over the rabbit that she begged and pleaded and won. Now she doesn't want to take care of it, but doesn't want us to find a new home. She doesn't like that it makes noise and wakes her up at night. So she moved it to my dd room. I walked in DDs room and there was the rabbit. I had a dog dish in my hand(I don't remember why I had a dog dish in my hand.) I got pissed threw the dog dish and slammed the door. SO came running and I told him I was done. SD was not home, by the time she came home I was calmed down.

That was the last straw this week. She just moved back home a week ago and the attitude is back with it. I am not done, but between the stress of the holiday having to be at 12 places and one time. I do not need another mess to clean up.

It happens to the best of us. Rachael is right the attitude gets worse before it gets better. Just grab on and hold on tight for the ride it's gonna be a bumpy one!
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December 24th, 2010, 10:22 AM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 9,310
Oh boy I feel your pain. I met my dh's oldest when she was 11. In just a few weeks she turns 16. It has been hell. Actually the last 2 years are fine since I kicked her out of my house. She is beyond normal teen stuff. Manipulative, plotting ugh the stories I could tell. You can tell how I feel about her since I don't even call her my sd. We have & never had any relationship - despite my huge efforts.

Oh and girls are like that to some extent under the best of circumstances. If I had a dime for every time I had to tell my 8 year old to stop parenting her 4 year old brother, I'd be rich

Now dh's other dd, my 12 year old sd - I adore. She is wonderful, sweet, great with her siblings - a completely different kid. Now they live 4 hours away from us so she doesn't get to spend much time with us so I'm sure there would be normal teenage moments if she did. But I still don't think it would be as bad because she just doesn't have the same personality.

My 2 miracles: Lucinda & Noah
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