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January 1st, 2011, 10:30 AM
CassCramer's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Tucson, AZ
Posts: 5,419
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I see some familiar "faces"

I'm Cassie (22) SAHM to Xander (2), will be marrying SO - Johnny (21) - in May 2011. Here's some background on my situation:

Considering how badly my ex treated me (only line he didn't cross was he never hit me), we have gotten along really well since apart. He broke up with me 3 or 4 times since I got pregnant (at 6 weeks, at 5 months, when Xander was 8 days old, when Xander was almost 1 wasn't a "break-up" just didn't hear from him for months) - the last time we split in January/February 2010, it was MY choice. He told me I needed to lose weight (I was 165, 5'4) because he refused to marry a "fat ***", that was my final straw.

He grieved for a few months, then we actually became close friends again. He got married in September 2010, and I even became friends with his wife. He has never paid a dime for Xander, but I've been understanding because he had been trying the entire time to find a job to no avail. When we were dating again the last time, but not living together - he came to see Xander every 2-3 weeks (we lived 3 hours apart and it was hard for him to get the gas money to come out having no job). He went with his parents up to Idaho in April 2010 and decided to stay. He lives up there with his wife, so obviously visitation is not an issue. He has not seen Xander in over a year.

At first, he did call once a week and talk to Xander on the phone. We did webcam chats with him and Xander. It was short-lived (maybe a month?). It is a BATTLE to get him on the phone with Xander. He knows I'm moving to South Carolina January 29th, and Xander will be staying with my mom for a few months while I get settled and get a job. John (his dad) and my mom do NOT get along. My mom would never keep him from his son, but he is THAT stubborn that I KNOW he won't call her to talk to Xander. I've been trying to get him to call Xander actively for close to a month. He didn't call on Thanksgiving. He DID call on Christmas because I got pissed (because he promised to call him and didn't) and sent him a text saying "what happened to calling your son today??". He called and chewed me out for "making him feel like sh*t" and his excuse was he was with his in-laws so he couldn't call. I told him his FAMILY should understand him taking 5 MINUTES to call his SON and if they don't that's really messed up - he got pissed and hung up on me - so while he called, they never talked.

I decided to back off, and posted on FB a very general statement about not making any judgements on people until the end of January (when I leave) and seeing what happens. We ended up having a conversation online and he went off on me for expecting too much, being unreasonable, just for me expecting him to call once in awhile. He's your son, wouldn't you want to call everyday?? I mean, it's 5 MINUTES of your life, yet you can play games online for hours every night???

I think it's important he be involved now more than ever for a few reasons.

1 - In less than 6 months, I'll be married. Johnny is the one who will be there everyday, who will be helping me raise Xander along with our own children (when ever that part comes along).

2 - Xander is young. I don't want Johnny to be the only dad he ever knows. He wasn't even going to call him "dad", but if John doesn't get more involved then that may end up happening.

John tells me Xander is only 2 and can't understand - but he does! Kids are extremely smart and they DO know what's going on, even at 2. Unfortunately, I don't see John stepping up at any point, which comes to what I do struggle with. Signing over rights, or paying child support. First off, John doesn't work and neither does his wife. I would get VERY little. In Arizona, it's $125 a month MAX for unemployed and I would be filing once we move to SC (all of us will be there by May) and not sure of how it works there. If he signs over his rights, if Johnny wanted to he could adopt Xander. I'm going to sit down and talk to Johnny about this, because honestly there are times I think I would rather just be rid of his dad - not for my sake, I do still care about him (platonically) - but for Xander's sake and well-being.

I feel lucky to have SO. He will be there, provide for, and be an amazing husband and father both to Xander and our future children. He would treat Xander like his own, and asks about him when we talk (since he is in SC right now and I'm in Arizona until the 29th, we just talk on the phone right now) - something his dad should be doing! I don't regret any of these struggles, because they have brought me to where I am now and while they will continue I don't have to go through it alone.

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January 1st, 2011, 03:08 PM
Rachel's Avatar Just Rachel
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Taneytown, MD
Posts: 115,724
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Welcome to the board! I'm Rachel, mom of Sarah, James & Daniel and step-mom of William & Clayton, who live with us full time.

Having a non-custodial parent who does absolutely the bare minimum is hard, but it's so great with the SO's step in and help out.
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January 2nd, 2011, 12:00 AM
myblueyez's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 2,121
Hi and welcome.
I'm Tiffany, my SO is Brandon and between us we have 5. 4 boys and 1 girl.
I wish you the best of luck in your move and upcoming marriage. Your SO sounds like a great guy! And Xander is such a little cutie!
Killing Time - my blog

~~Thank you to Jaidynsmum for my awesome siggy!~~

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January 2nd, 2011, 05:06 PM
K.A.T's Avatar Enjoying her Sticky Bun
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: NYC
Posts: 13,499
Hi and welcome to the board.

❤ Big Thanks to Vicki, trishosaurus, & Shortcake for the great siggies of my kids! ❤
Liz (36) Kev (35)
Tiana (16) Doni (14) Lil Kev (8) Ethan 7/23/12 Lil Roo 10/29/11

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