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Looking for feedback re: a few questions

Forum: Blended Families


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January 30th, 2011, 12:46 PM
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 196
Hiya ladies,

I am 11 weeks (going on 12).

I live with my SO and we have his 5 year old 50% of the time.

He co-parents okay, but we do not have a great relationship with BM. She tried to take his daughter several hundreds of miles away - he's a very involved dad (not a Disney Dad by any means). BM just doesn't seem to really care about the role of a father in her daughters life.

Anyhow, what is the environment you live in? Do you have step kids? How does the parenting work with the stepkids and the bio kids?

Has BM met your bio kid (if you have one yet)? What's that like?

Any insight would be wonderful.
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January 30th, 2011, 01:55 PM
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what is the environment you live in? (I think I'm a little confused by this question) 2 step kids, both live with my husband and I, full time. Their mother is very far away from us. In nearly a year, she's seen them 1 time.

Do you have step kids? Yes, 2 of them.

How does the parenting work with the stepkids and the bio kids?: Well, my bio kid is mine and my husband's, and he's just a tiny little thing, yet.

Has BM met your bio kid (if you have one yet)?: Nope. She hasn't. And she will not ever, either.
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January 30th, 2011, 03:45 PM
momma2011's Avatar Shannon
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Knoxville, TN
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SO has an 11 year old daughter. She lives 12 hours away so lately he's been more Disney Dad. We are trying to rectify that though and get on a normal schedule where she spends about 40 days a year here with us and we spend 30ish days a year down there with her. We just had our first baby on Friday.

Our situation is a little different because generallywe are very close to his ex and her new family. We celebrate as many holidays together as we can. We buy for her young son and just all around adore him, and she's already bought presents for our DD. Her facebook status on Friday was about the new addition to our modern family and how excited she was. It isn't perfect, there are times she gets petty and in truth there are times when my SO gets petty. For the most part, we are very blessed and I can't imagine trying to stepparent any other way.

Thanks to Graysmama for my pretty siggy!

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January 30th, 2011, 06:43 PM
CassCramer's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Aug 2008
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I don't, but in a few months SO will. I have a 2 year old son. His dad is not very involved, but likes to think he is. He hasn't seen him since April. After I get married in May, I'll be filing for sole custody (since he wouldn't have seen Xander in over a year, it's automatic anyway) and implementing visitation for half the summer once Xander starts school (in 3 years) at his DAD'S expense. Since he has never paid child support, shouldn't be an issue. Also, if after the first year he still won't help out financially - I will be filing officially for child support.

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January 31st, 2011, 09:57 AM
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 196
By environment, I mean if you have the step child full time, 50/50 or rare occasional visit.

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January 31st, 2011, 11:45 AM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 9,310

Ours is an interesting story I have 1 dd 8 - from a previous marriage that my dh adopted & we have 1 son 4 together. Dh has 2 dds from a previous marriage.

How often we see them is a loaded question They live 4 hours away from us. Bio mom moved to be with 1 of the guys she cheated on dh with. That was 5 years ago & they are now getting a divorce (may be final by now I don't know). Anyhoo, Dh's oldest is 16 and a piece of work. I suspect untreated mental illness. Her issues run way deeper than average angery teen in my exprience. But who knows. She's no longer welcome in my house. I kicked her out 2 years ago & have no interested in letting her back in - that's how bad it was. From the time I met her when she was 11 she wreaked havoc on all of our lives. Dh was seeing her about 4 times a year. He would go to where they live for events. But she hasn't really spoken to him now for several months. He calls - she doesn't answer. Bio mom has encourage this behavior. He's not sure what do do next.

On the other hand, dh's youngest 12, is a darling. We didn't see her for 1 1/2 years (although dh did) because of her sister & mom. But this past summer she got her voice & told both her sister & mom that we wanted to spend time with us and they had no say. So we've seen her 4 times in the last 6 months!!!!!! And are planning to see her more this year.

Bio mom is relatively ok. She doesn't cause too many troubles (unless you count parental alienation with the oldest). But as long as the checks keep coming, she pretty much doesn't bother us much. I have relatively no interaction with her. I've only spoken with her about 4 times in the last 6 years. She has met my kids briefly - just a couple of drop offs - dh usually meets her half way & because of the distance & the threat of how his oldest will treat them, they don't go. On occasion bio mom will come to our area to visit friends (she used to live here). Some of the problems we had with her started when we had our son. She was very jealous. At the time she told dh she was planning to have 1 with her then new dh but that was 5 years ago & it didn't happen. Now they are divorcing & she is 45 so don't know what happened but I know she wasn't happy.

I wish everything was better. But I recognize it could be a lot worse. My ex is completely out of the picture. Thank God. It was a nightmare when he was in it.

My 2 miracles: Lucinda & Noah
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January 31st, 2011, 12:28 PM
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 196
Wow, My2. You have a handful!

I think it's often much harder to date someone with older kids. I met SD when she was 3 and outside of having normal "not really my child but I love her as mine" issues - we have a great relationship.

BM and I will not be friends, ever. There are a myriad of reasons for this, including I am fairly sure she is a Borderline. I steer clear. We all co-parent okay, but there are drama induced hiccups on occasion. I let DH navigate that stuff mostly. BM and I do not talk - we are cordial at recitals and whatnot - but we will never be friends.

We haven't told SD or BM about the child coming. We probably won't until I'm well into the 2nd trimester. Better safe than sorry.
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January 31st, 2011, 12:46 PM
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Indiana
Posts: 372
Anyhow, what is the environment you live in? Dh and I have a 4 yr old son and one on the way. He also has a son who is 8yrs old and lives with his mother nearby. They do not get along. They seldom talk, but her and I talk and make arrangements. There have been issues here and there (of course) but we get along fairly easily especially if we do no talk about certain topics. We have been many places together but my Dh and her do not get along and therefore only are in the same place if they have to( i.e. school functions, activities, etc)....they never have...maybe that is why they are divorced I pick my step son up on Thurs and have him until Sun evening...sometimes more but that what we have decided between us....even though what we pay in child support is based on having him every other wknd

Do you have step kids? Yes, a boy, 8yrs old.

How does the parenting work with the step kids and the bio kids? Our son was born when my step son was 4 and they get along wonderfully. It is amazing.

Has BM met your bio kid (if you have one yet)? Yes. What's that like? Well considering the biomom came to the hospital the day I had my son via c-section, it was strange for me...and especially Dh. I did not talk with her much back then.

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January 31st, 2011, 01:37 PM
Rachel's Avatar Just Rachel
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Taneytown, MD
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Do you have step kids? Yep, two.

How does the parenting work with the stepkids and the bio kids? We have primary physical and sole legal. She technically has every other weekend visitation, but does not exercise it.

Has BM met your bio kid (if you have one yet)? she's met Daniel several times and my daughter once.

What's that like? it was pretty normal, actually, but it was back when she had custody of the boys so it wasn't quite as hostile as it is now.

Any insight would be wonderful. document everything, keep it as civil as possible and don't discuss anything in front of your step daughter. And let the bio parents hash it out for the most part. I don't get involved, outside of voicing my opinion to Neely and rarely interact with their mom, unless she forces me to (i.e., calls me or something, which is rare).
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