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my ex wants the kids to keep secrets

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February 7th, 2011, 10:40 AM
austlanabmv's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: orlando, FL
Posts: 1,370
heres my previous post ...


thank you AlexKatieAiden Mommy for my great siggy

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February 7th, 2011, 10:53 AM
Posts: n/a
Here, we tell my husband's kids that what happens in this house, is none of their mother's business, unless it specifically pertains to THEM. I'm not sure if that's defined as secret keeping or not... My husband's ex lets the kids stay up to midnight, or later, and then she gets them up early (7:30am) and gives them back to us, so they're cranky and whiny from being tired. Or, she gives them diet coke with a late dinner (6:30 or 7pm) and then sends them home. Or, it was this way until we moved and she doesn't see them as often.

I think what your ex is doing is wrong. He would've been better off discussing with you if the kids could stay up an hour or two longer than usual, so he could spend some time with them on Friday night. How often do your kids see your ex? Would they honestly be in that much trouble? I see where you're unsure of what to do. I'd most likely confront the ex over it, but other than that, i have no good advice.

I hope the situation works out for you.
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February 7th, 2011, 11:45 AM
Rachel's Avatar Just Rachel
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Taneytown, MD
Posts: 115,730
My ex husband and I instituted a rule when we divorced that "what happens at our house stays at our house" and vice versa. I never questioned them when they came home from their weekend visits and he didn't interrogate them when he picked them up. It's really not fair to the kids to pry into their time with their other parent, IMO.

You have to come to a place in your life where you let the bitterness go and just focus on being the best parent you can be when you have your boys. And at some point you have to trust your ex spouse to be a good parent too. He may not make all the same decisions that you might make, but he is their dad and he's entitled to parent as he sees fit when he has physical custody of the kids.

I don't like all the choices my step-son's mom makes when the kids visit her, but she's their mom and she's the one calling the shots at that particular moment. What we do is try to reinforce what's right and wrong when the kids are home and hopefully they will make better decisions when they are with their mom.

I'm sorry he's so far behind in child support! ((hugs))
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February 7th, 2011, 01:17 PM
K.A.T's Avatar Enjoying her Sticky Bun
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: NYC
Posts: 13,499
Yeah we also have a rule of what happens here stays here and vice-versa. Of course she doesn't always abides by it. You can't really control what's going to come out of the mouths of children, but one can try to instill respect for privacy. I would be more concerned with secrets if they were truly detrimental to the kids upbringing.

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February 8th, 2011, 08:41 AM
momma2011's Avatar Shannon
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Knoxville, TN
Posts: 1,181
Our rule is the same, what happens at our house stays at our house. Mind you, I don't get upset if she tells her mom what goes on when she's with us, I just don't want her to think she has to, and I don't really want her "reporting" every little thing.

As far as staying up late and things like that, I'm sure her mom objects to some of the things we allow her to do, but we object to a lot of the things her mom allows her to do as well. As long as it isn't doing permanent damage or physically hurting her, we all have to let a lot of thiings go and just accept that as one of the consequences of divorce.

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