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Is it possible

Forum: Blended Families


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July 30th, 2011, 08:14 PM
twoboys's Avatar photography co-host!!
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Holly Springs, NC
Posts: 13,018
Is it possible to love your step children as much as your own I hate that I am even asking that question and I feel like I am such a bad step mom for wondering..

When is it fair to say, "this isnt fair to the children, and they deserve a step mom who is non biased towards her own biological children"???

I treat them all the same, I am very fair and I show love and affection to them all the same, but its how I feel inside my heart.. and I hate myself for that.. I know all children deserve to be loved equally..
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July 30th, 2011, 09:12 PM
Doodlebug06's Avatar Doodlebug
Join Date: May 2011
Location: US
Posts: 1,397
Well I think ALOT of how you feel about the skids is based on how well you SO helps blend the family instead of painting a target on your back.
I am 100% sure that if Dh backed me more w all the kids, then his bios would be more accepting which would help me accept them more.
This has worked for my sil and bil. Bil has a son from previous marriage.
He always always backs his wife IN FRONT of the kid.
If he disagrees he waits until they are in private to discuss.
If she makes a rule or tells the kid to do something, bil backs her up.
The kid knows their is no room to mess with them. And honestly he's closer to his step mom now than his real mom and sil is as close to her step son as she is to her own.
Bottom line is that personally I think if both of you aren't "united" , you never accept each others kids as your own. Bc theirs always that wedge between you that you each are responsible for putting there.

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July 31st, 2011, 06:42 AM
K.A.T's Avatar Enjoying her Sticky Bun
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: NYC
Posts: 13,499
I will say for some it's possible but not for all, and it's totally normal. I love my DSD because I've been in her life for so long and she's part of DH. However, I do not like who she is growing up to be and I do not love her the way I love my own children. I honestly think once we as step parents can accept that and not feel badly over it, things can and do get better.

Try not to feel bad or beat yourself up over something that it completely normal. It's not like you're treating them differently than you do your bio kids. So just take comfort in knowing you're doing the best you can do and that this is all normal.

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July 31st, 2011, 05:37 PM
Keakie's Avatar Learning to walk in faith
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Near the land of cream cheese
Posts: 5,617
I can't offer much insight because I don't have any bio-children at this point in time, but :hugs: for you. Don't beat yourself up - the role of a stepparent can look very different for everyone. If you're still working out what that means for you, there's nothing wrong with that.

I'm still young in my role as a (stb) stepmom so feel free to take this with a grain of salt. I adore the kids and look forward to continuing to build a relationship with them. I am sure there will be ups and downs because that's the nature of all relationships, but I feel love towards them. I have no reference point for what it feels like to love biological child but in the meantime, I know that I do love my df's children and that is all that matters.

I know in other cases where a BM isn't involved in the child(ren)'s life, it's a little bit different. I have a dear friend who was recently married and she and her dh have one bio son together and one on the way. Her husband also has a 13 year old son from a previous relationship who's BM flits in and out of his life as it suits her and who cares more about her personal revenge on her ex than her relationship with her son. This boy truly looks to my friend as his mother and she truly looks at him as her son, no different than the toddler she birthed or the baby she is currently carrying.

In my situation, there are a lot of things I disagree with when it comes to BM. She is dishonest, manipulative and entitled, and she is quite possibly the most self-satisfied woman I have ever met. However, she does love the children and (usually) tries to act in their best interest. Maybe the fact that the kids don't "need" me in the way my friend's stepson "needs" her means I am able to define my role in their lives differently.

Originally Posted by Kangaroo View Post
Well I think ALOT of how you feel about the skids is based on how well you SO helps blend the family instead of painting a target on your back.
I definitely agree with this.

*Excitedly expecting baby girl number two!*

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July 31st, 2011, 05:48 PM
twoboys's Avatar photography co-host!!
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Holly Springs, NC
Posts: 13,018
I just feel so overwhelmed right now, I am sure it doesnt help that I just had a baby and feel all my space has been invaded and time taken from bonding.. All this is just really bad timing..

Thanks for the advice/help/support.
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July 31st, 2011, 06:54 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 2,394
Like has been said, for some it is possible. I fall in that category. However, my husband and I were best friends before he ever got with bm. So even before DH and I got together, I viewed SS as like a nephew and loved him before I ever met him. (bought him a "First Christmas" ornament and a stuffed cat for his first Christmas even though I didn't meet him until a month after he turned 2)

However for some it is not possible. I have a step-grandmother and growing up she treated her biological grandchildren much different than she treated my brother and I (the only ones who were there frequently that were not biologically related).

It just depends.

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August 1st, 2011, 09:21 AM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 9,310
I love my 1 dsd very much. I can't say I love her as much as my bio kids but it's pretty close. I think I would love her as much if we saw her more. Her personality is very much like dh and she's just a great kid.

Now Dh's oldest, I don't think it's possible for me to ever love her at all. She made it that way. She isn't dh's bio child & is just like her mother who I can't stand either. Very different from dsd. I do hope at some point, I can at least trust her & tolerate her presence but I know we're a long way from that.

Don't be hard on yourself. Building relationships take time. Get adjusted to a different family dynamic isn't easy either. You just do the best you can.

My 2 miracles: Lucinda & Noah

Last edited by My2miracles; August 1st, 2011 at 09:27 AM.
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