Log In Sign Up

My story (Warning VERY LONG!! sorry)


Forum: Blended Families

Notices

Welcome to the JustMommies Message Boards.

We pride ourselves on having the friendliest and most welcoming forums for moms and moms to be! Please take a moment and register for free so you can be a part of our growing community of mothers. If you have any problems registering please drop an email to [email protected].

Our community is moderated by our moderation team so you won't see spam or offensive messages posted on our forums. Each of our message boards is hosted by JustMommies hosts, whose names are listed at the top each board. We hope you find our message boards friendly, helpful, and fun to be on!

Reply Post New Topic
  Subscribe To Blended Families LinkBack Topic Tools Search this Topic Display Modes
  #1  
August 15th, 2011, 05:31 PM
orrickster's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Bloomington, Illinois
Posts: 2,164
Send a message via Yahoo to orrickster
Ok, here is my story about my ex and all my step-mama drama. So now you ladies have a better idea of who I am! It's long and I'm sorry but I'm kind of a detail oriented person.

I started dating my ex (Iíll call him J) in May of í08. Things started off great, we were best friends and very happy. In November of í08 I found out I was 7 weeks pregnant, due July of í09. I was very happy because I wanted a baby and I thought J was a great father so heíd be the perfect dad for my baby. He had 3 kids of his own, so I got to see how he parented and I was happy with it. Well shortly after I got my BFP I started really analyzing J and his parenting styles. I quickly realized that he was not as good as I thought he was. He was lazy, very inconsistent and sucked in the disciplining department.

Jís kids, M(9), E(5) and S(3), were great kids, especially M, but E and S were very difficult. They show signs of ADHD. They were basically terrors throughout our relationship. The more pregnant I got, the harder it got to be around E and S and the more I started to resent J for the way he parented. I was getting this vision in my head of how I wanted to raise my kid and J was just not cutting it.

I started to pull away, wanted less to do with the kids and would hide out in my bedroom when things got difficult. Well J didnít like that and we constantly argued over it. Regardless of the stress it caused me, J wanted me to be out there with his kids all the time. He wanted me to jump in, play games and interact with them while he sat in front of the TV and spaced out. I was becoming less and less happy with my situation.

Kaisen was born in July of í09 and things just got tougher. I began to then resent E and S because they were constantly all over Kaisen and were very careless around him. E picked up Kaisen on a number of occasions (while Kaisen was just weeks old), he kicked Kaisen in the head once while rough housing with his dad and was always rough while playing with Kaisen. S wasnít so bad with Kaisen, she did try to pick him up once, but with being the youngest she had more interest in getting her dadís attention rather than hanging all over Kaisen.

February of í10, when Kaisen was 7 months old, I finally ended things with J and moved out. I didnít want to be with him and I didnít want to be a stepmom to his kids. A month later (after J telling me he wanted me back and missed me and would never get over me) I found out that J was with another girl and she had just moved in with him in the apartment I once lived in with J. Yes, I was upset. I still kind of had feelings for J and I worried about Kaisen since his dad obviously didnít care about the affect that would have on his kids.

A little bit later J and I started talking about things. We talked about our feelings and why things didnít work out. We went to dinner on Tuesday nights (when his girlfriend was working) and talked.

Well Jís girlfriend (D) found out about us talking and started calling me in June telling me that J had been cheating on me with her for almost a year and a half. I was very shocked and hurt. This is what started our war. After she found out about our dinners and talking and texting, she flipped a lid and became this majorly controlling, jealous, b****. I understand her being upset and a bit jealous, but shame on me and J for wanting to clear the air and be able to be civil for our son.

Over that summer J and I got into many texting wars. D wouldnít let J pick up or drop off Kaisen without her going along. So that led to many days where J would have the opportunity to have Kaisen, but didnít because he couldnít pick Kaisen up without D being there. Jís oldest, M, who is now 11, out of nowhere started texting me. She was borrowing her grandmaís phone, had kept my number and started texting me. Well I wasnít one to shut her out and not talk. J found out and flipped his lid. I have a feeling now that this was a problem only because D felt threatened by me talking to M and wanted it to end. It turned into a huge argument. M has a very unstable home life, was heading into puberty, is very insecure and was now having this new woman shoved down her throat. She needed someone she felt comfortable with to talk to. I didnít want to hurt her. I was honest with J and told him I was doing no harm talking to M, we never talked about J or D or anything like that. It was her siblings, her everyday life, her softball games and starting school in the fall. In the middle of that argument, D starts texting me telling me I have no life and do nothing but think about J and D all day long. Very immature and pathetic.

At this point, J got Kaisen whenever he was available. Even though I told him to give me a couple days notice, he often would text me asking for Kaisen for the next day. There were times where I was busy with Kaisen and couldnít hand him over with day before notice. Every time I told J no, he would claim I was holding Kaisen from him, regardless of the fact that J got Kaisen at least once a week and twice most weeks. After many threats, apparently meant to scare me, J filed in court for visitation in July of Ď10. This sucked because I didnít have a job or a lot of money for a lawyer, but was good because I wanted to get this stuff settled and signed by a judge anyway. At this time he was paying $200 a month for child support but I never knew when I would get the money. He was also paying for Kaisenís insurance every month.

There were a couple of status hearings that I wasnít required to go to. J and I went to 3 mediation meetings to get as much stuff settled as possible. J paid $100 towards child support in October and thatís the last child support check I have gotten. He paid Kaisenís insurance through November and then stopped paying it. It went 4 months unpaid before I finally started paying.

I finally got a part time job in December and Kaisen started daycare in January of this year. I signed up for child care assistance immediately and after being denied many times and battling this for 3 months, I gave up. At one point I needed some info from J to help get assistance, but he refused to help me. Thankfully I had my parents to help.
We had our big court hearing in February. Every thing went well, my lawyer represented me well and I left there feeling good about it. We received our court papers at the end of March. Most the results were in favor of me. We got the child support amount and arrears settled, we got daycare fees and back daycare fees settled. He ended up owing a good chunk towards my attorney fees also. The only thing that didnít totally work for me was taxes, which we each claim Kaisen every other year. Now we just needed to get with our lawyers and figure out how child support and arrears were going to be paid and then we were done.

Jís lawyer ended up being suspended for a year because of complaints from several clients. This was in April and J has yet to get a new lawyer. Also in April, I had an appointment with my lawyer and we worked out some things and she was to write up a proposal and send it out to me and J that next week. I have yet to receive that proposal. I am having a lot of difficulties with my lawyer now and am trying to figure out if I should just keep waiting for try to find a different lawyer. Once this proposal gets to me, we should be pretty much set so I donít want to start over with a new lawyer. So all that is still up in the air.

I think it was in May when John started paying his half of daycare. He gave me a check one week and told me he would start paying every week or he would double of some weeks. Well that was a lie. He started paying every other week and then would go a few weeks in between. He did at some point pay a $600 towards arrears after he got his taxes. The first week of June was the last time I received money for daycare. I let him claim Kaisen on his taxes that year and he had to have his taxes amended and said he would give me what he got back for Kaisen. He finally gave me $1520 in the middle of last month. I still havenít received anything since then. He currently still owes me over $6000 for arrears and it adds up with every week of daycare that goes by and every other week when he gets paid.

At some time in March I started get a lot of calls at work from ďPrivate CallerĒ. When I answered these calls, I would just hear complete silence. I waited as long as I could on the phone one time and all I heard was silence. When this started I would get calls every night and there would be several calls in a row. I would also see a car similar to Dís car drive by my work a few times (didnít think anything of that at first since itís a popular vehicle). Just last month this ďPrivate CallerĒ screwed up. I got a call at work and the caller ID said my exís full name, but it wasnít his number. I answered and it was nothing but silence. When I hung up, ďPrivate CallerĒ called me 3 more times within minutes after the first call.

I told my dad (both J and D work under him) and he looked up Dís number. Sure enough it was her number. So that was the day I found out she was stalking me! My dad made a comment to J about the calls and Iím sure he said something to D. This happened a few weeks ago and Iíve only gotten about 2 calls from ďPrivate CallerĒ where thereís just silence. So sheís still calling, but not as much. I havenít been watching outside to see if she drives by at all.

There are times where Iíll text John to ask him something or whatever and I can tell D is the one texting me because she texts so different than J. And J is a very non-argument kind of person, but I get texts from J where all he wants to do is argue, so I know that itís D texting from Jís phone. There are times when J and I will get a long great and then there are times where heís just a huge @ss and I know itís because she is making him.

The whole situation is just awful and pretty much embarrassing. I never imagined myself being a single mom and especially not being a single mom with major step-mama drama. I have been working for over a year now to just forgive both J and D for what they did to me and I can honestly say Iíve matured a lot and am doing so much better at handling my anger when it comes to them. Weíre still working on being civil (or itís more him being civil to me, but I donít think heís working on it), and hopefully within a couple of years we can be over all the hurt and just let the past stay in the past. I donít want Kaisen growing up knowing his parents hate each other.

I do feel like I am in a much better position than what I would be in if I had stayed with J. He makes good money but a lot of it goes to child support for his first 3 kids and will be paying a good amount to me for child support. D has a kid of her own and has custody of her nephew. So thatís a total of 6 kidsÖ and they have a baby on the way! In a way it makes me laugh but I also feel so bad for Kaisen. Iím sure J doesnít interact with him often and Kaisen will never be able to form a bond with his dad because J feels the need to procreate with every woman he lays eyes on!

Oy. Sorry itís so long. But now you know more about me!
__________________



Steph (24)

Reply With Quote
  #2  
August 15th, 2011, 06:58 PM
K.A.T's Avatar Enjoying her Sticky Bun
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: NYC
Posts: 13,499
WOW that's a lot to take in. I'm sorry D's such a stalker. Have you thought about putting a trace on the phone or filing a police report?
__________________

❤ Big Thanks to Vicki, trishosaurus, & Shortcake for the great siggies of my kids! ❤
Liz (36) Kev (35)
Tiana (16) Doni (14) Lil Kev (8) Ethan 7/23/12 Lil Roo 10/29/11



Reply With Quote
  #3  
August 16th, 2011, 07:53 AM
orrickster's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Bloomington, Illinois
Posts: 2,164
Send a message via Yahoo to orrickster
Someone told me that if I called the phone company they might be able to tell me who the private callers were. That's not true, but they did tell me how to trace calls and if I get so many successfully traced calls I can report them for harassment with the company. I also have my co-workers writing down every private call they get. As far as I know it's only happened twice since I found out it was her. I considered going to the police, but I wanted to see if I can collect more information first. Not sure if I have enough to file a report. I can prove the calls, but can't prove that it's actually her driving by.
__________________



Steph (24)

Reply With Quote
  #4  
August 16th, 2011, 10:09 AM
Keakie's Avatar Learning to walk in faith
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Near the land of cream cheese
Posts: 5,617
Eek! That's some drama.

I'm sorry D is kind of nuts. That definitely qualifies as 'stalking' and I would be concerned. She sounds like someone dealing with extreme insecurity and obsession issues.

While it certainly doesn't excuse her actions and it doesn't make them any less creepy, I do see where she would have legitimate grounds to be hurt with regards to the dinners between you and J, especially if she was never told about them. I certainly wouldn't be thrilled if I found out df and bm were going out for dinners without my knowledge. That being said, though, df and I are engaged, there are very clear boundaries in our situation that df and I have put a lot of thought into and frankly, df really can't stand bm and her shenanigans.

We aren't rude with her, but it's businesslike and cordial and 99% of communication is done via email. I help him write them because I'm a stronger written communicator than he is and I can usually find a good balance of clear and firm but cordial, but everything I put into our emails comes from him telling me what he'd like to say and everything gets okay'ed by him before it gets sent. We're very much on the same page.

Some people have a much more "friendly" set up and if that works for them, that's fine. There are very specific reasons why we need to handle things the way that we do.

All that said, it was his responsibility to talk with her about it, not yours, and based on the things she told you about when they started getting together, "straightforward and honest" may not be his strong suit anyway. Additionally, it sounds like the conflict over the dinners is the least of the problems here. They sound like they aren't on the same page with what they expect from his dealings with you. Again, though, that isn't really your problem.

IMO it sounds like y'all need to figure out where you're comfortable laying down your boundaries and stick to them. It really minimizes drama and is better for your peace of mind.

Hope you can find some support here!
__________________


*Excitedly expecting baby girl number two!*



Thank you to Babydoll213 for my fabulous siggie!
Reply With Quote
  #5  
August 17th, 2011, 08:03 PM
Doodlebug06's Avatar Doodlebug
Join Date: May 2011
Location: US
Posts: 1,397
Wow. So sorry your going through that
!
All of his kids have my sympathy. All I can tell you is stay strong and never stoop to their level.
__________________

Jade Ja Kang
1-18-12
10:52 a.m.
18.5 inches
6lb 10 oz

Reply With Quote
  #6  
August 18th, 2011, 09:26 AM
orrickster's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Bloomington, Illinois
Posts: 2,164
Send a message via Yahoo to orrickster
Quote:
Originally Posted by Keakie View Post
Eek! That's some drama.

I'm sorry D is kind of nuts. That definitely qualifies as 'stalking' and I would be concerned. She sounds like someone dealing with extreme insecurity and obsession issues.

While it certainly doesn't excuse her actions and it doesn't make them any less creepy, I do see where she would have legitimate grounds to be hurt with regards to the dinners between you and J, especially if she was never told about them. I certainly wouldn't be thrilled if I found out df and bm were going out for dinners without my knowledge. That being said, though, df and I are engaged, there are very clear boundaries in our situation that df and I have put a lot of thought into and frankly, df really can't stand bm and her shenanigans.

We aren't rude with her, but it's businesslike and cordial and 99% of communication is done via email. I help him write them because I'm a stronger written communicator than he is and I can usually find a good balance of clear and firm but cordial, but everything I put into our emails comes from him telling me what he'd like to say and everything gets okay'ed by him before it gets sent. We're very much on the same page.

Some people have a much more "friendly" set up and if that works for them, that's fine. There are very specific reasons why we need to handle things the way that we do.

All that said, it was his responsibility to talk with her about it, not yours, and based on the things she told you about when they started getting together, "straightforward and honest" may not be his strong suit anyway. Additionally, it sounds like the conflict over the dinners is the least of the problems here. They sound like they aren't on the same page with what they expect from his dealings with you. Again, though, that isn't really your problem.

IMO it sounds like y'all need to figure out where you're comfortable laying down your boundaries and stick to them. It really minimizes drama and is better for your peace of mind.

Hope you can find some support here!
I can't help but wonder if the dinners started this or if she was going to be this way regardless. She's younger than I am and still pretty immature for her age, so I really don't know what to expect. I would love to always get a long with my ex and not worry about how he might react to something. We were best friends when we were together, I know we can be friends now (obviously not the hang out BFFs kind of friends).

The major problem here is basically my ex. He can't stand up to anyone. When it comes to their relationship, she controls him and what she wants goes. Which is why things are the way they are. What's more important, keeping the peace with your BM for your kid's sake, or making your GF happy and giving into her insecurities? He's made it very obvious from the get go that she comes before his kids. And I'm very sad about it.

My parents took me, J and D to dinner one night in December to try and clear the air. It was a chance to talk and just be nice. Well the dinner went great. Of course, D went on this long speel saying she regretted some things she did and said and said she'd do what she needed to help me out with Kaisen. Well I don't know whether she actually regretted things from the past or not, but since that dinner she's made it very clear that she has no intention of helping me at all. She even sent me a text one time during a texting argument between J and I that said something along the lines of "I never planned on making anything easy for you". Why not? I hate her, I can't stand her and I can think of a bunch of reasons for not being nice to her. But, regardless, I love my son and want whats best for him and if that means having a good relationship with his dad and "stepmom" then so be it. Why can't she do the same?

When me and J were together I remember one time his ex dropped his 3 kids off at his work and I met them there and took the kids home because J had to work late. We did it behind his ex's back because she didn't like me (this time she really had no reason to like me). Well his ex found out, turned her car around and found me while I was driving. She pulled her car up next to mine and rolled her window down. I rolled mine down and she sat there and yelled at me. This is all while we were driving. What was running through my head? The kids. Their mom followed me to the apartment, she ended up just talking to the kids and then left. Even though I wanted to, I didn't say one mean word to her in front of the kids because I didn't want them to see me as the bad guy and I didn't want them thinking I didn't like their mom.

I will never for the life of me understand what this girl is thinking. And I know, no matter what J says to D, she will not back off. Like I said, she controls him so in the end, he always backs off and lets her have her way. There have been many times where I just want to sit down with him and talk honestly, but I don't want her there because I know it will turn into an argument. But she won't let him go without her (which in a way I understand, but it's been over a year and a half, it's time to get over this).

I appreciated everyone's responses and I love the advice! I guess this is just more venting!
__________________



Steph (24)

Reply With Quote
  #7  
August 19th, 2011, 07:46 AM
Keakie's Avatar Learning to walk in faith
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Near the land of cream cheese
Posts: 5,617
As an outside guess, I would say the dinners triggered a lot of it BUT if it wasn't the dinners it probably would have been something else. Insecurity is a powerful thing.

Do you know for sure that he WANTS a more friendly relationship with you? I hope that doesn't come across in a snarky way because I'm genuinely curious. Some people aren't comfortable with that kind of a role in their ex's life (that's not to say they treat exes like garbage, either, especially when children are involved but in my mind there's a difference between cordial and friendly). If he doesn't, he may just be enforcing his boundary which happens to feed into D's crazy behaviour (and regardless of the kind of interactions he does or doesn't want to have with you, her actions are totally nuts). If he does want to be more friendly and is just choosing to give into D's desires and antics, I'm sure it's super frustrating. :hugs: At the same time, you can't make him stand up to her or anyone else. He's got to be the one to realize how insane she's acting and he's got to be the one to do something about it.

If it were me, I would disengage from her drama. Don't stoop to that level of immaturity. Block her phone number so she can't text you or call you and deal with J directly. If you'd like, you can insist on using the phone only so you know that you're dealing with him. Don't try to push yourself further into J's life or their life together (I'm not saying that's what you're doing ) and don't buy into whatever offers of help she makes. It just gives her more opportunity to create drama and that's no at all good for your son. For your own sanity, you need to draw a boundary line between yourself and her. Be cordial when she's there for drop offs and pick ups but don't engage any craziness.

Should she help out? If she's committed to life with a man with a child, I think so. Should he lay down his own boundaries with her if/when her behaviour interferes with his time with his son? Absolutely. Can you make either one of them do those things? No, which I realize is so so so frustrating. You can only control you. Let yourself be the shining example of maturity and healthy boundaries and let her keep spinning her wheels until he can't take it anymore and either asks her to leave or asks her to get the help she clearly needs. Remove yourself as much as possible from them and their lives, for your sanity, and let what happens between them play out on it's own. IMO, anyone can only be controlled by a partner for so long before the resentment builds up and it will be easier for him to deal with that resentment and her if he doesn't have to pour all of his emotional energy into being in the middle and trying to make both of you happy.

Honestly, if she feels like it's a competition with you she's a lot less likely to walk away even if their relationship has run it's course. It won't be about their relationship as much as it will be about "losing" and that combined with some serious insecurity can keep her hanging on a lot more tightly and for a lot longer than if they were left to their own devices and left to deal with each other one on one without you being a factor.
__________________


*Excitedly expecting baby girl number two!*



Thank you to Babydoll213 for my fabulous siggie!

Last edited by Keakie; August 19th, 2011 at 07:49 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
August 19th, 2011, 08:28 AM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 9,310
While I don't condone this woman's behavior - you ex seems to be playing games. Honestly I think it's fine that you all went out to dinner but for him to go out to dinner with you and not tell her Not a smart relationship move on his part.

My dh has a cordial relationship with his ex for his kids sake. However, if he went out to lunch or dinner without telling me before or after - I'm probably going to be concerned. Not stalking but I would confront him. It's my philospophy that if you can't be open about things then you have something to hide.

Now you can't control him but you may want to find out what his intentions are. And you may want to coach him to be more open with his girlfriend. I speak from experience when I say it's hard to be the next girlfriend or wife especially when that person still has to be in his life because of kids. My dh was married to his ex for 15 years and they have 2 kids. That's a lot of connections kwim?
__________________
Kris

My 2 miracles: Lucinda & Noah
Reply With Quote
  #9  
August 19th, 2011, 03:26 PM
orrickster's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Bloomington, Illinois
Posts: 2,164
Send a message via Yahoo to orrickster
I just have to say you ladies are really awesome!! I like being able to talk about this (especially with people that don't know anything about the situation or J and D because it's helping me look on the outside. People that know how stupid J and D are just tend to agree kwim?) because it's making me feel better about the situation. Thanks!

He has made a comment about having good relationship with me and he sometimes acts like he really does. Wednesday night he dropped Kaisen off at my house and he was totally cool. It was very awkward on my end because I never know what to expect from him so I really didn't know how to act. But that's the kind of thing I would like to have every time we need to talk or see each other. So to answer your question, Keakie, yes I think he does want (or maybe is just okay with) a good relationship with me. I think he's just worried about pleasing her more than doing what's right.

I think I'm so wrapped up in all her drama because deep down inside me, I want her to fail. I like to laugh at her because of her obvious insecurities and stuff. But you're definitely right, that need to back out of it and just let it be. I am working on it. But my biggest issue with that is the fact that they both work under my dad. So anything they do (buying new vehicles, moving to a bigger house, getting pregnant, etc all while not paying child support) get relayed back to me. And while I know I should be saying "I don't want to hear it", I do want to hear it because I am honestly curious (not in a stalker, crazy kind of way), mostly because what they do affects my son.

I have never stooped down to her level. Last summer, when I found out about my ex cheating, I was hurt and turned anything and everything between me and J into an argument. I loved making him angry and took every chance I could get. Obviously, I've matured since then. The only time I actually talked to D on the phone was when she told me about the cheating. The texts she sent to me, I either didn't answer or just said "K thanks" because I knew it would make her angry for not playing her game. I never gave into her and now, when I see her, I act like she isn't even there.

I've been saying this relationship is not going to last long from the very beginning and now it's been over a year and a half. I don't think he wants to deal with her crap, but I also don't think he'll ever end it because 1) he doesn't like being alone at all, he'll take what he can get and 2) D is pregnant so now he's even more tied to her. I do believe she may get tired and leave one day, he's not exactly an easy guy to be with (but that could just be me). While I want J to be happy, I just wish he could be happy with someone that I know is not possibly harming my son and that can be okay with dealing with a BM (or 2 or 3 in his situation).

When I was with J, I had to deal with his BM and she was a tough one. She didn't like me at first, but warmed up to me close to a year later (we even hung out 1 day after J and I split), but she isn't the greatest mother to her kids so J and I had a lot of problems with her. But I can say I was never worried about her being in J's life. I don't know why, but I just felt comfortable with it. That's the only time I ever had to deal with a BM and I can't say if there's another BM in my life that I will feel the same. I can only hope.

Oh and I don't know what J's deal was with not telling D bout the dinners. I think he was afraid about her freaking out and thought it was better for her not to know. I didn't hide it from anyone, so it's not like I was trying to keep it a secret. But I didn't tell him to tell her. I agree if I was with someone with a BM and he was going to dinners with her without my knowledge, I would be upset too. Very upset. But after an explanation and after some time goes by, you'd think it'd be time to move on
__________________



Steph (24)

Reply With Quote
Reply

Topic Tools Search this Topic
Search this Topic:

Advanced Search
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 02:25 AM.



Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.9
Copyright ©2000 - 2017, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Optimization by vBSEO 3.6.0