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Going to be a step-mom...


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  #1  
September 6th, 2011, 11:42 PM
SFGiantsGirl's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 758
In ten days I will be marrying the love of my life!!! He has an 11yr old daughter. Her and I have great relationship. However lately since it's been getting closer to the wedding use has been getting very argumentative and rude towards me and her father.

She always has to back talk us and prove us wrong and tell us how to do things and her dad and I are just shocked at her attitude. I know the whole pre teen thing is starting but this is more than that. Her mother just recently got engaged to some guy who she has only been with for7 months. She let him move in after one month of dating!! Anyways, I'm worried that once her dad and I are married she is going to be even worse. I don't understand how she went from respecting me and talking nicely with me and wanting to hang out with me and her dad to disrespecting and back talking and yelling!???

Help!! What to do?? My Fiance is at a dead end wall and has no clue what to do. He is also in a custody battle with her mom. He is trying to get more time cause he only gets her every other weekend and tues and Thursday's for 3 hours. The mom is brain washing the daughter to think that she cant be away from her mom for a whole week. It's a mess. Any advice or anything would be helpful. I don't know what to do. I love my future step daughter so much it kills me to see her treat her father and myself this way for no reason.
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  #2  
September 7th, 2011, 07:21 AM
Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 972
I wish I had some advice. Just stick to your guns and try to teach her. They do come around. I deal with this back and worth, but with a 16 year old. Sometimes she wants to be my best friends and other times she is plotting to get rid of me.
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  #3  
September 7th, 2011, 07:29 AM
Keakie's Avatar Learning to walk in faith
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Near the land of cream cheese
Posts: 5,617
Is it possible that she's worried that she'll be forgotten after your upcoming wedding? I know we, as adults, know that going from engaged to married doesn't really change the logistics of the household very much (if at all) but I wonder if some of it is fear-based. Does your df spend any one-on-one time with her? If it's at all possible, maybe he could take her out for a 'date night' once a month or something - it may help her feel more secure with her place in your family and her place in his life. One-on-one time with you could help, too, but I would think she especially needs it with her Daddy. Her mother's sudden move-in and engagement might have left her feeling shaky about her importance in the lives of her parents.

I only wonder because children don't just suddenly decide to act badly for the heck of it. If it's out of character for her, I would say it's because she feels bad in some way. If you can find out what's causing that and remedy it, the behaviour will probably fix itself.

I don't really have any good advice with regards to her mother filling her head with garbage. We're dealing with that around here, too. All we can really do, since we can't control what our bm says to the kids, is continue to show them a healthy, loving home while they're with us and let bm's crazy implode on itself as they get old enough to see it for what it is.
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  #4  
September 7th, 2011, 11:02 AM
SFGiantsGirl's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 758
Thanks :-) my Fiance spends lots of one-on-one time with his daughter. At least once a weeks he takes her to breakfast before school. I'm not usually around int
the evenings because of work so he has dinner with her. He does take her to his parents a lot too. He and I have been together almost 5 years so I'm not really thinking it's us that has caused her to start acting this way. I kinda think it's her moms engagement. It's real quick and she let this guy move in real quick I think its freaking her out. And unfortunately her dad and I are the ones she is taking it out on.

We haven't changed anything since we have been engaged except the new custody thing. And we told her about it before the court date and she was fine but now she isn't cause of bm filling her head with crap :-(

Ever since bm has had this guy move in she has acted different. I'm not sure what's going on at bm's home and my Fiance and I are trying to get things figured out. It's hard cause unfortunately lawyers cost A LOT of MONEY and we don't have a mom who will belly up the money like she does so we are doing this all on our own. :-(
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  #5  
September 7th, 2011, 11:40 AM
Keakie's Avatar Learning to walk in faith
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Near the land of cream cheese
Posts: 5,617
You're probably right. It stinks, but the ones someone is closest too are the ones that those feelings get taken out on, even with children. Would she be responsive to sitting down with either you or her dad or both and talking to her about how she feels about her mother's engagement? Or how she feels in general? Even if all you do is reflect her feelings ("I'm sorry you are feeling _______. That does sound tough."), the validation it might give her could help ease some of the anxiety.

In the meantime, I would otherwise make a point to stay out of what goes on at her mother's unless your stb stepdaughter is in immediate danger. That isn't to say what her mother is doing is okay, but unfortunately you and your df don't really get a say in what she says or does there. I know you have the best intentions at heart, but it could lead to resentment of the two of you. She needs to be given the freedom to feel what she needs to feel and make decisions about her relationships for herself as she gets older. The nonsense spewed by some bm's (ours included) can't really stand the test of time if you consistently focus on what happens in your own home and prove the crazy wrong.

I'm not sure how many details of the custody issue are being shared with her (either by you and your df or by her mother) but I don't think that it's territory that should be explored with her at this age. It just isn't something she can process properly right now and it probably is contributing to her anxiety. Whether bm is a nutball or not, she is her mother and your stb stepdaughter still loves her. She also loves your df (and presumably you) and sharing the details of custody can make a child feel very caught in the middle, even if that isn't the intention. I know you can't control what bm shares with her and I'm sure if anything's been shared by you or df, that wasn't your intent, but from my experience as a child of divorced parents there are some things that really can do more harm than good if delved into.

I really hope you guys can find something that helps her cope with everything going on right now. She sounds like she's probably overwhelmed by the sudden relationship moves at her mother's house and having a bm who manipulates and brainwashes doesn't help. Be the safe place for her to come and vent and escape from it all. That doesn't mean let her run the house while she's with you or excuse her behaviour, either; part of being a stable, safe home for her is consistent boundaries.
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  #6  
September 7th, 2011, 11:45 AM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 9,310
Boy that sucks! BTDT. My Dh's oldest was 11 when we met. Both of her parents remarried within a year of their divorce being final (2 years after the separation but still) and bio mom moved them to another state 4 hours away. Oh yeah & dh & I had a baby. It was all too much for her I guess. She had to lash out at someone & unfortunately that was me. 11 is a tough age especially for girls.

I hope you can figure out whatever is making her act this way & help her through it.
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  #7  
September 7th, 2011, 04:52 PM
K.A.T's Avatar Enjoying her Sticky Bun
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: NYC
Posts: 13,499
First welcome to the board. Second I agree that you need to stick to your guns. Just give it some time and see how things go. Once the wedding is over things might go back to how they were before.
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  #8  
September 7th, 2011, 07:34 PM
SFGiantsGirl's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 758
Thanks for the support and encouragement :-)

We aren't sharing any information about the custody with her. The only thing we did was tell her why dad is taking bm to court and let her know what he is asking. Cause we both knew bm would brainwash his daughter and tell her that dad is trying to take her away which is exactly what she did and is doing. We don't talk to her about what goes on at her moms house. I don't feel it's right to probe her and find out every detail. I know her mom does that about what goes on here. I have always told her if she ever wants to talk to me she can about anything g and I will be there to listen.

I do hope things will start to get back to normal after the wedding but I'm not sure.BM is pushing this new Fiance on sd and making him her new dad instead of my Fiance. This new guy tok her to her fist day of school even though my Fiance asked to be able to do it since he had the day off. BM lied and said she was doing it and it wasn't his day and we showed up anyways just to say hi and his daughter acted really strange and distant like she didn't want us there. Later we found out BM's Fiance took her to school and out to a pancake breakfast which is what her dad does everytime he takes her since he doesn't always get to. So it's become tradition. Well this new guy is trying to take over. My Fiance is taking it hard cause he has always had to fight for time between bio mom and bio moms mom and now bio moms Fiance. It's a mess.

I really shouldn't be surprised that she has all these emotions and outbursts like she does. She is a pre-teen who will prob start puberty soon and in top she has all this. It kills me that she won't tell me if there is something that I can do to help her :-(
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