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Forum: Blended Families


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September 7th, 2011, 10:30 PM
tkay88's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Auckland, NZ
Posts: 1,483

I'm not really too sure if i fit in here or not. I just need to get a load off my chest...

I'm Tara (23) and i have a 5 year old DD (Xylia) and a 3 year old DS (Tyran).

I separated from their father in August 2009. We have pretty much being at logger-heads over any and everything since then.

I know i made a couple of "bad" decisions in the time since we split but i am just struggling now with him treating me as someone he looks down on....

I left him after not being happy for a while. Even since my Daughter was born he was never really there. He always worked long hours and i appreciated him supporting us, however he was going around picking up work mates slack when we were doing ok with out it. I mean at some stages he was working 7 days a week or 24 hour shifts. Ultimately though he was always quite ropable with the kids and them "helping" him wash the windows etc. He'd get annoyed and carry them in by one arm and plonk them down on the floor. The final straw came when he was yelling and screaming about our daughter costing us so much money all the time... The month before she turned 3 she managed to cann emergency services and they called back and informed him we could be liable for a $2000 fine if it were to happen again. Also he often called me a lazy fat ***. Told me i was useless. And he also wanted to know where i was all the time and with who. This got worse when i got my drivers licence the month before i left....

I moved, with the kids, back into my parents. I told him i needed time to sort myself out before i knew if i wanted to go back. But he didn't listen and constantly turned up to "see the kids" whenever he liked. When he did come around though he would just sit in the chair trying to talk to me about moving back in, try to hug and kiss me or he would try snooping around to find excuses of why i shouldn't stay here.

In around May i started hanging around with a guy from work and yes, he was around the kids occasionally, they already knew him as him and a few others from my work came to the kids birthday "parties". It was short lived (3 months), but thankfully it didn't have any detrimental effect on the kids. During the 3 months he made racist comments towards the guy and we were constantly fighting over all sorts of things. He accused me of being a bad mother because 1) my daughter developed a rash (we think she has some type of food allergy but it's only happened twice) and 2) because the kids have had minor bumps and bruises from things such as trying to climb up their chest of drawers or running around and bumping the table, usual kids stuff IMO...

In Feb this year i started to see another guy, again from work . When we started to hang out he was trying to get out of a relationship with a woman who threatened to take her own life and held a knife to her throat when he tried to break it off..... Probably not the best of starts but in some ways the situation was similar to when i was leaving the kids dad... Again, he did meet the kids when we hung out, at the park usually and we never were affectionate in front of them, at least not until he had ended his ralationship and we officially became a couple in late April. When the kids Dad found out, through my Daughter. He flipped his lid. As i said i know i didn't make the best of choices but i do not feel comfortable talking to him when he is so 'abusive' and judgemental towards me. He also found out through a friend of his and mutually my bfs ex that "S" my bf "C"s ex had threatened to slash my tyres and knew where the kids and i live...

Anyways, we have had S tresspassed and cut all contact. The problem is that because C has a crazy ex the kids father hates C. And thinks he has every right to vett him now, months down the track and also believes that he can sit C down and get him to prove to him that he can be trusted around the 2 kids. Now i know this guy, i have worked with him for over 3 years. I am very fussy with who i leave the kids with and if i didn't trust him i would not have even thought of him seeing the kids.

I would hate to come across as a bad person solely because the kids have interacted with the new bf already. It is just how it happened and there was no bad intentions involved at all.

The kids dad has Xy and Ty Mon and Tues 9:30 - 7, Weds 9:30-3:30 and alternate Thur 9:30-3:30. (he works evenings). We have explained and C doesn't want to try and replace the ex. But he just won't let up. I am just sad that he is putting up a fight over things such as my daughters last day of kindergarten. He has said he doesn't want C to go as he (the dad) doesn't want to cause a scene... The kids get along with all of us and it does upset me that after 2 years exbf won't let up...

I just feel like curling up into a ball sometimes. I don't have a lot of family here in NZ they are all in the UK.

Thanks if you managed to get through my novel, i know it is probably missing details and slightly "bitty"....
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September 8th, 2011, 10:26 AM
K.A.T's Avatar Enjoying her Sticky Bun
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: NYC
Posts: 13,499
First I would like to welcome you to the board. I'll respond more once I'm home tonight and can read this in peace.

❤ Big Thanks to Vicki, trishosaurus, & Shortcake for the great siggies of my kids! ❤
Liz (36) Kev (35)
Tiana (16) Doni (14) Lil Kev (8) Ethan 7/23/12 Lil Roo 10/29/11

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September 9th, 2011, 10:52 AM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 9,310

I never criticize anyone for introducing kids to bfs early because that would make me a hypocrite Dh date both my dd & me due to extenuating circumstances. Not the route I would have like to have gone but it worked for us.

As for your ex, what you do during your parenting time is NONE of his business. Just like what he does is none of yours. He needs to butt out! Although he does have a right to be concerned if his kids are in any danger. Do you think the person who threatened you is a real threat? If so then you need to contact the police and possible get an order of protection.

My 2 miracles: Lucinda & Noah
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September 22nd, 2011, 06:12 PM
Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 555
I wouldn't criticize anyone for introducing kids to bfs early either. My kids met my DH on the same day I met him. He has been like a father to them ever since. I think it comes down to individual cases on this. I dated a few people that I knew I didn't want to introduce to my kids. But it was different with DH and I knew that from the start. Your ex has no right to tell you who you can and can not have around your kids unless it is a real safety issue. I was lucky that my ex was not only okay with DH when we first met, but even became friends with him after a few months.
Mom to:
Quinn - 10
Gavyn & Kendric - 8
Joseph - 18 months
Step-mom to:
Kiersten - 8
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