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  #1  
September 17th, 2011, 01:29 PM
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I am new to these message boards. I used to be a member of the iVillage message board when I was expecting my first child but needed a change so I am trying these boards. I recently got married in 2010 and married the love of my life but I am having so many troubles blending out families, I have tried to talk to my non blended online line friends and they don't understand me and often tell me that I am the one to blame instead of listening to me. I have a child from a previous marriage and so does he, we are now expecting our first child together. Things have been kinda crazy with us and now I need a place to come to and vent. I don't have any friends or family who are blended to talk to.

For a while we were all living together until Christmas of 2010 when SD (11 yo) moved back to her mother's home across the country and we never see her. DH talks to SD about 4-5 times a day, he calls her in the a.m when she wakes up, then when she gets home from school, then again at dinner time, then again to say good night. I used to speak to her every night but she seemed put off and hardly spoke to me which broke my heart. I stopped talking to her every night and would do it once a week but I stopped this summer when DH told her we were expecting and she could care less and never talked to me.

When we all lived together DH treated SD and DS way differently he treated his child with a lot more care and respect and treated my child a lot rougher and had less patience. He says it's b/c she is a girl and he is a boy but honestly I dont feel that is true. I on the other hand treated her better than I did my own child as not be accused of playing favorites and I never wanted to be labeled the "evil step mother." Which now I feel very gulity for doing that as DH now treats DS really badly and is always on his back over stuff that isn't important. DS is very stubborn and hard to deal with at times b/c he thinks he knows it all at 7 but when he is doing well DH still is on his back, for stuff that even SD did all the time and he never told her anything i.e. interrupting adults while talking, correcting us (we say it's 3 p.m. and he says no it's 2:54, etc).

It's been really rough lately and at times I get really depressed because I see how much love and attention he gives SD and with DS he never does. It hurts.

Well a few weeks ago DS wanted to talk to SD on the phone as I mentioned early DH talks to SD about 4-5 times a day and texts her in between (this used to bug me b/c SD's BM used to do this all the time which we were bothered by at times b/c she would interrupt us at the movies, dinner, doctors appointments, etc) and now he does the exact same thing and interrupts our time together. We can't leave the area to go anywhere were cell service is touch and go b/c he won't be able to talk to her or text and at dinner he will get up to tell her good night if we are out at the movies or anywhere he will stop whatever he is doing to get up and call her (luckily she only talks about 1-2 minutes) but it's still annoying. So DS wanted to tell her something and DH told him no which made him cry and pissed me off.

He still has yet to talk to her and I always feel as if it is DH and SD and then me and my child. I dont ever let him out of the loop and even let him get more invovled in DS's life more than I would have like to (as he gets too gruff wiht him and it hurts).

So it was SD's birthday and he bought her some presents and on one that was online he was just gonna sign the online card, "From Daddy." Which hurt me and I said something. Well he went out and bought her another gift and got her a card from Dad to daughter and got a card for me to sign. Me and DS signed the card but yet he took the card and made it his own drawing on it and taking the whole side of the card and writing something. I feel as if his relationship with her isn't healthy, he even went up north to go get her for summer and she didn't want to come she said she talks to him enough and wanted to spend the summer with her mother. He came back very hurt and sad and I told him that it's his fault b/c he has developed a long distance relationship with her and that she has no need to spend time with him. I have spoken to other non blended people and they told me I am jealous, maybe I am, but I wish he would put half his effort into our relationship and the relationship he has with DS that he does with SD.

Now that I am expecting I am scared he is going to treat DS even more badly b/c he will have his "own" son and his daughter. I told him he better not treat my son that way b/c how would he like it if I treated her like that. he said I better not ever do that, I told him well then he needs to reevaluate the way he treats DS.

I feel so sad and feel as if we will never be that family that we were when she was here because he does not know how to include us all as a family and I am tired of trying to include myself in their relationship b/c I end up being treated like an outsider looking in. I have tried talking to him about it but he gets defensive and takes my feelings in a negative manner and does not try to make things better. He is happy with his relationship and allowing me and DS to feel like outsiders.
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  #2  
September 18th, 2011, 02:53 PM
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Welcome and hugs. I hope things get better for you guys. He does sound a bit overly attached but at the same time that is his first born daughter. Daddy and daughters have a special bond. I used to worry that DH would treat lil guy differently than he does SD but he doesn't for the most part. There are small things that he does that's different, but that's more discipline wise than anything else, plus he treats DD the way he treats the others so I don't make too much of a stink. I just remind him, when he's complaining about SD, that this is his and BMs doing and now they've got to deal with it.
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  #3  
September 20th, 2011, 07:56 PM
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Thanks I just feel so alone in my feelings. I get sad b/c I always involve him in everything that me and DS do and just feel like an outsider with him and DSD. Everyone keeps telling me to just not get involved anymore b/c it seems as if he doesn't want me there and I am the only one sad about not being part of that relationship. I guess it hurts to think about not caring or asking any more.
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  #4  
September 21st, 2011, 11:36 AM
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Welcome! Sorry you're having a hard time of things. I wish I had some sage advice. Sadly I don't.

We aren't a blended family at all. It's dh & his girls & then it's Dh & our 2 kids. The dh's oldest dd has made it impossible to be 1 family. My kids & I have actually had no contact with her in almost 4 years - she's now almost 17. She wanted nothing to do with us from the start & made it so miserable that I'm actually glad she isn't part of our lives - sad but true.

Being a blended family is never easy. My dh really caused a lot of this rift unintentially of coures. But he kept us all separate from the beginning - them living 4 hours away didn't help either & of course crazy bio mom telling them lies. Dh sees it now but it's too late. I have a good relationship with Dh's youngest for several reasons 1) she's like dh & not her mom like her sister & 2) she wasn't dh's favorite so he left her with my & my dd (ds wasn't born yet) while he went of his his oldest so dsd & I got to know each other & have a relationship.
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  #5  
September 22nd, 2011, 06:07 PM
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I have had similar issues with DH. He treats his DD much differently than he treats my boys. He also says it is because they are boys and she is a girl. I don't buy it and it has caused some major problems lately.
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  #6  
September 23rd, 2011, 07:12 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by my3sonsplus1 View Post
I have had similar issues with DH. He treats his DD much differently than he treats my boys. He also says it is because they are boys and she is a girl. I don't buy it and it has caused some major problems lately.
This is so sad. It causes such hurt that they don't understand. I even though this is all so sad it brings me some kind of comfort to know that I am not alone in this. I have always felt as if it is in my head, even though I tried very hard not to think of it.

I made sure to not treat her that way and ended up siding with her and making my son feel left out many times so that he wouldn't be hurt. I won't do that ever again.


It seems like talking to him just goes in one ear and out the other.
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  #7  
September 23rd, 2011, 07:21 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by My2miracles View Post
Welcome! Sorry you're having a hard time of things. I wish I had some sage advice. Sadly I don't.

We aren't a blended family at all. It's dh & his girls & then it's Dh & our 2 kids. The dh's oldest dd has made it impossible to be 1 family. My kids & I have actually had no contact with her in almost 4 years - she's now almost 17. She wanted nothing to do with us from the start & made it so miserable that I'm actually glad she isn't part of our lives - sad but true.

Being a blended family is never easy. My dh really caused a lot of this rift unintentially of coures. But he kept us all separate from the beginning - them living 4 hours away didn't help either & of course crazy bio mom telling them lies. Dh sees it now but it's too late. I have a good relationship with Dh's youngest for several reasons 1) she's like dh & not her mom like her sister & 2) she wasn't dh's favorite so he left her with my & my dd (ds wasn't born yet) while he went of his his oldest so dsd & I got to know each other & have a relationship.
I have a feeling that Bio mom tells DSD a lot of lies about us too. She was so incredibly jealous of me, which I find strange, bm and dh have been divorced since 2003 and she was the one who left him for her now husband. Which is why it is so hard for me to understand how DH has such an incredibly dependent relationship with DSD, he has only seen DSD 4 times in 9 years and one of the times was when she came to live with us. I am sorry to hear that your relationship started so badly it sounds like the same relationship that DH has with us.

At least your DH was able to see that he was the one who had started the rift in your family. Maybe one day mine will see the same and I won't feel so hurt.

I did think it was kind of sad, DH never lets DS talk to DSD on the phone but he did ask him if he wanted to talk to her the other day to say HB to her. It's funny that when it is convienent for him and her then he wants us to have a relationship with her. This was the first time DS has talked to DSD in 9 months. What was even sadder was that he was no longer interested in talking to her and their converstaion lasted a total of 15 seconds.
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  #8  
September 23rd, 2011, 11:29 AM
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What is it with these crazy bio moms? Dh's ex had multiple affairs & the last 1 ended their marriage. I wasn't in the picture until after they separated. His oldest isn't even his biologically. BM had an affair & dh kept her around & raised the kid as his own even though she isn't.

I think in our case, bio mom wanted her have her cake & eat it too. She wanted dh waiting in the wings in case things didn't work out with the other guy. Which ironcially, they didn't - she's now divorced & on to the next guy. She wasn't even married 3 years.
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  #9  
September 23rd, 2011, 12:03 PM
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I often feel that DH ex wanted him to be alone and miserable and when she realized he wasn't she started freaking out. I have an ex and I wish that he would settle down with a good woman so when my son does go on his visits with him I know that he not only has his dad (who btw is not a good father or person) but has a good stepmom there helping him with whatever dad can't do.
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