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Suggestions on how to deal with being "the new woman".... (and a mini vent) *update*


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  #1  
November 15th, 2011, 10:11 PM
plan4fate's Avatar I may bend, but not break
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I'm struggling with being the new woman. Not in DH's life, but with his family. They make it no secret that when DH and his ex divorced they were keeping the ex. They'll openly admit she wronged him in many ways, but that they love her and that she will always be their daughter.

Now, I do understand that. In my family divorce doesn't mean you aren't part of the family anymore. I would never expect them to shun her because DH moved on. I happen to like his ex, we get along fine.. most of the tension went out of our relationship when I got sick this fall. I don't really want her to go away either.



They feel I'm using DH for his money. He finds this absurd, since.. there is no money. He's not broke, but his divorce left him with a lot of debt. He will one day need to declare bankruptcy to clear it. They feel that I'm only around to cause trouble. One of his relatives has gone as far as to say that I abuse him, don't clean, don't cook and that we aren't intimate. We know none of this is true, but it hurts that his family says this stuff about me. They feel that I want to come between them and DH... but DH hasn't had a good relationship with his family in his entire life he's seen them more since we started dating because it's important to ME.

His sister wasn't very nice to me today, and flat out told me that DH's opinion on what DSS is doing for Thanksgiving isn't relevant. I'm driving 9hrs Saturday so this little boy can see his daddy and his family.. and they're pissed because DH said that they cannot have DSS the first night, nor the following day. Sunday happen to be his only guaranteed day off that isn't Thanksgiving itself (where we're required to be with the family, so no one on one time). Of course she initially took it out on the messenger.

DH went out to talk to her about it at the house, and she started screaming at him, shoving him and attempted to kick him in the balls (leaving a mark on his leg that's going to be a bruise tomorrow). She did this in front of her 10 year old daughter, her 7 year old Niece and her 9 year old nephew! And they see it as all my fault, that if I'd have kept my mouth shut to DH that his sister wouldn't have attacked.... I dont' know about you guys, but I tell my husband everything unless I feel it's none of his business (like a secret from a friend or something).. and this was someone basically telling me that his opinion on his kid didn't matter, of course I'm going to tell him!

DH's cousin got a hold of me not 2 hours later to tell me that his family was going around saying HE walked up and hit her (I was in the van but she jumped out and went at him.. even I could see that).. and that his sister was going to call his ex and cause trouble. I'm expecting a Skype convo with his ex in about 90 minutes.. I'm terrified of how it's going to go down.


I have always wanted people to like me. I am a people pleaser to a fault. I WANT these people to like me. But his own Grandparents have told me not to waste my time (on his immediate family), I'm not his ex and there won't be room for both of us unless I give them grandchildren. I should not have to procreate to be accepted into a family! You'd figure the fact that I've given up my ENTIRE life (as I know it) to be with their son because I love him, He's happy and healthier than he's been in years... should mean something right? Nope, not to them. His grandparents and aunt and cousin on the other hand? Love me. In fact his grand dad hugs me every time he sees me and tells me he loves me because I'm taking such good care of his boy.


I just don't know what to do....




We spoke with his ex, who was NOT happy with what happened. Said she didn't want to bring DSS down if people were going to bicker over him being with his dad. She said she was ONLY offering to bring him because she felt it was the right thing, and that she didn't want him here with everyone mad... but would if DH insisted.

So... instead, we're going to go home and have a dinner with the whole dysfunctional blended family in Wi. Dh is a lot happier, went around singing Christmas songs in Walmart.

His family has ruined it for themselves. We went into his grandmother's tonight and his grandmother was so icy cold with us that it tells us his family told her the lies they were telling everyone else. She wouldn't even let DH tell his side. So he's upset with them all. His ex doesn't want to be down here (which we thought she did) anymore than we do. DSS has asked why he's not coming, I'm surprised that his ex actually said (we were on the phone) that his aunt and grandma were mean to daddy and so daddy is going to come see him. DSS is happy he doesn't have to come down here and gets daddy to himself
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Last edited by plan4fate; November 16th, 2011 at 07:58 PM.
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  #2  
November 16th, 2011, 07:50 AM
Keakie's Avatar Learning to walk in faith
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Oh, honey.

I've given you my schpiel on the subject already so I won't repeat any of it for you and instead just leave it at 'time changes a lot of things'. I realize there's more dysfunction in some of these family members than there was in my situation and so it's a little more complicated, but time really does help.

I do believe that your dh's family is still grieving the failure of their marriage. In reality, it hasn't been that long and you're coming up on the first major holiday season and the new family structure might be overwhelming for them right now. They probably know the relationship was toxic, but it was familiar to them and people tend to cling to familiar (even if it's unhealthy) because venturing into new territory *is* scary, even if it's for the better.

Also, keep in mind that, while it was obvious to your dh and his ex that the relationship was unhealthy, they were there living it every single day. His family wasn't and probably only saw them occasionally. They may have been able to put on a smile for a day with the family or, even if they couldn't, the family may have attributed it to a bad day or been on straight up denial about it. When my il's were told about the divorce, they were floored. Earlier this year, I went out to lunch with my mil and she very sincerely told me that they should have known something was seriously wrong when they went to visit after my youngest stepson was born and dh barely left his office. She also told me that dh is an entirely different person with me and he's like his old self again, and she was so thankful that I was in his life and so thankful that I cared for him and for the kids the way I do.

Once upon a time, this was the same person who sent me an email telling me that I was ruining everyone's lives.

I know it doesn't help because it doesn't change anything for you right now, but their processing has nothing to do with you. It doesn't give them the right to act poorly and I'm appalled at your dh's sister's behaviour. I'm even more appalled that she attempted to shift the blame to you. But I hope it helps to know that it is not about you.

I can see the amount of effort you're putting in to see your stepson. I bet he can, too, and so can your dh. Those are the people you have a responsibility to right now.

Honestly, neither of you can control what they say or think or do. If you can admit that to yourself, I think you will feel a lot of weight lifted. It still sucks and it's a lousy situation to be in, especially when you haven't done anything wrong and when the accusations that are being thrown are so insane you can't even wrap your mind around them, but you can't do anything about what they choose to think or say. What you *can* control is how you respond, what you will let get under your skin and where you focus your energies. Right now, they should be focused on your new husband and your new stepson. His family can continue to run their trash talk all they want, but you will be the one who is conducting yourself like an adult and your family will benefit from it.

And really, does the ex even want to come hang out with everyone? My il's don't really talk to dh's ex anymore because a) they're now aware of how much they've been lied to and manipulated and b) they aren't dependent on her for time with the children now that dh and I live nearby and we have them more often so she wouldn't be over there anyway, but I have a feeling she wouldn't *want* to be, especially if dh and I were there. She has her own family.
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Last edited by Keakie; November 16th, 2011 at 11:45 AM.
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  #3  
November 16th, 2011, 11:18 AM
K.A.T's Avatar Enjoying her Sticky Bun
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I have to agree with everything that Kayla has said. Sorry his family is being the way they are. Hopefully one day they will turn around and see how wrong they have been.
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  #4  
November 16th, 2011, 12:42 PM
plan4fate's Avatar I may bend, but not break
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Thanks girls.

And yeah Kayla she would love to come spend time with them, even if she does feel it would be awkward to do so. She's an only child from a small extended family, his sisters were her sisters, if you know what I mean?

I kept my trap shut yesterday to anyone in his family (except his cousin who never really liked his ex and really likes me, she's differentlyabled and likes that I don't treat her as a burden), I stayed in the car when he went to see his family, though in hindsight I wish I'd have gotten out when the first shove was made. But alas, I absolutely HATE conflict, so I sat in the van and bawled my eyes out wanting my mommy.

My mommy has offered to get her passport and come lend a hand to his dysfunctional family and give lessons in normal. DH said laughing last night "you know it's amusing that your crazy family COULD teach my crazy family a whole lot about being normal." It's nice to know my mom is warming up to DH.


DH told me to drop the meek act though . He told me if they hurt me, fire back. Don't let them think they can walk over me, say what's on my mind (with in reason). To him, if they're not going to like me, they may as well not like the real me, not the one sitting quietly taking the beating.



His ex never came online last night. I'm not surprised, but I'm pissed about it. I waited up two hours for her. I'm sure we have a text or a voice mail about it, even though she KNOWS we have 0 service unless we drive across state lines.

DH was angry that she didn't come on, angry enough to say that if she puts any sort of stop on the travel plans.. He's taking DSS Christmas eve as she will get him for Thanksgiving. That's a huge step, and something he's never talked about doing before... but if she puts a stop to me coming to get him (cause of his sisters lies) she will be in direct violation of their court order.

This was DH's leg about 2 hours (I didn't check the exif data to be sure) after she kicked him. I outlined the area, you can see the blue bits. I'll check him again when he gets home. (don't be alarmed about his red! that's his skin condition, and that actually looks REALLY great)

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  #5  
November 16th, 2011, 01:19 PM
Keakie's Avatar Learning to walk in faith
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Your dh has a point. I realize you were probably just trying to keep things from getting worse, and the situation you described would definitely be a hard one to navigate. You can defend yourself and hold your chin up without being aggressive, and that's what I think the best course of action would be for you and your dh. Ignore and don't engage in as much of the crazy as you can but if it were me, I would speak up when lines are being crossed (and assault on my husband is a line being crossed in my books). You don't owe it to his family to stifle yourself and they are responsible for their own actions. Your mom sounds sweet.

I'm a little bit confused about the her-not-coming-online part of things, but you're right - if it's outlined in the agreement that your dh has your dss for Thanksgiving this year and she fails to make him available to your dh, she is in violation of the court order. I'm not sure that legally he could just keep him for Christmas Eve (assuming it's outlined in the same agreement that she has him for Christmas Eve) but at the very least, you could file a contempt order. I hope it doesn't come to that for you. Maybe she was just keeping her head down in light of all of the drama? Keep us posted!

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Last edited by Keakie; November 21st, 2011 at 08:08 AM.
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  #6  
November 16th, 2011, 01:53 PM
plan4fate's Avatar I may bend, but not break
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No worries girlie, I go back and delete thing once in a while too, or I edit them out too.

She was supposed to come online last night and discuss where we were going to meet for me to get DSS. She said 12, I figured 12:30 since she had to travel home from work. I waited until two.

Their arrangement is every other holiday. This being the first official holiday since the divorce (she had him labor day weekend too), if she keeps him Thanksgiving (since there IS transportation available, she cannot say that she kept him for that reason since we are out of state) then DH would automatically get Christmas. Their lawyer had them sign papers that says they agreed to split Christmas this year one person gets him the 24th and 25th (morning), the other the 25th (afternoon) and 26th. Since it is the first Christmas where they don't live together. It only specifices that the person who didn't have him for Thanksgiving would get the first half. (DH had those papers filed and drawn up 10 days ago)

Now, if we said "I'm sorry, we just can't take him for Thanksgiving" (which is always possible since we often live in a hotel and that's just no place for him) that would be different.



I'm waiting for DH to get home, checking my e mail to see if his cousin has sent me any messages. They can text each other, and she can email me.. but for some reason DH's phone isn't letting us send texts to emails... so I'm fully in the dark! *checks email* hmm, she emailed, but hasn't heard from DH. Guess he's either busy or back in the tubes at the plant and not getting texts. We're going to have to go to town tonight and call his ex I bet. *sigh*.
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Last edited by plan4fate; November 16th, 2011 at 01:56 PM.
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  #7  
November 16th, 2011, 02:11 PM
K.A.T's Avatar Enjoying her Sticky Bun
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I have to agree with your DH about firing back. For over 2 years I took the abuse from his family. That all ended when I was about 6 months pregnant with my son and let the witch = MIL have it. We've had our fights here and there but ever since then I don't back down and now we have a mutual understand, love and respect for each other. We even got into it outside a family wedding, no one knew just us, and after she went off and said his son sure as hell married a real witch. To which I responded, yup just like his Momma. She smiled laughed and said I was right.
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  #8  
November 16th, 2011, 09:33 PM
plan4fate's Avatar I may bend, but not break
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LOL Liz! that's too funny.

My main issue with his mother is no matter who is at fault, she will always side with her youngest daughter. She could stick a knife in someone and her mom would come up with an excuse to defend her. And they do the same thing to the sisters daughter (who has major anger and behavioral issues). I despise parents who are so obviously in the camp of a specific child, it's not fair to the other children.


I really like DH's ex. I didn't think I would, I'd heard alllll the bad things, but when they all started sharing the good I gave her a chance, and I'm glad I did. I'm gonna see if she wants to go help me spend DH's money on Black Friday Most of it'll be on her kid anyway, who better to go with me when I play Santa?!
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  #9  
November 17th, 2011, 06:04 AM
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Wow! What a mess! I'm glad you guys got it worked out!

I chat with Neely's ex's mom. Is that weird? She's on my Facebook so she can get updated on the boys, but she no longer talks to her daughter. In fact, a year or so ago, her brother got married and her mom was in town from Michigan and she found out about it all because she saw her brother's name on a billboard where he was getting married. They didn't even invite her to the wedding.
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  #10  
November 17th, 2011, 07:21 AM
Keakie's Avatar Learning to walk in faith
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I'm glad there's an answer that allows you to see dss without having to deal with the craziness of dh's family right now. I am glad that dss's mother isn't a nightmare. It makes things a lot easier when the ex isn't a complete lunatic.

People like his mother won't ever change. I'm sorry you have to deal with that.

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Last edited by Keakie; November 21st, 2011 at 08:09 AM.
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  #11  
November 17th, 2011, 12:13 PM
plan4fate's Avatar I may bend, but not break
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Thanks Rachel and Kayla!

yes Kayla we're going to go up there. I've offered to cook Dinner, BioMom and her BF are going to check their schedules and see what we can come up with.

DSS's mom told me she wants to talk to me privately about his family, but agrees that I have almost impossible shoes to fill. For several reasons. 1- i'm not her. 2- I'm not a doormat like she is. I have balls and a backbone and they have seen that the times I've been around, so they see me as something who will challenge their way of doing things with DH. They've actually TOLD her this stuff about me. If they wanted to see DSS, they'd lean on her, and she'd lean on DH and they'd pile in the car and drive 10hrs to see them. I however have been quoted as saying "we'll do what we can for visits, but we've got long Canadian ones too so there might be some changes to stuff."

Well now I can fly home an extra time a year since we wont be coming down here . Yeah, a 3 day trip to Il costs us as much as a 3 week flight to Canada.
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  #12  
November 18th, 2011, 11:22 AM
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Glad you came to a good understanding with bio mom & it sounds like you'll have a much better Thanksgiving!
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