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Feeling bad...Am I out of line?

Forum: Blended Families


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December 2nd, 2011, 07:57 PM
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 10
I think I posted here before regarding my blended family and my husband's "dependancy" to DSD (who is 11), I feel horrible because today I let him know that he has hurt me in the past when he has made it a point to "segregate" me and son from DSD. DSD lives about five states away and they have a really good relationship. I sometimes feel it's a little excessive (he calls her about 5 times a day and texts her about 11 or more times a day). Well last Easter we sent her a care package and a card he signed the "family" card then went out and bought her a special card from just him and didnt allow me to sign it. I felt bad b/c I feel like he segregates me and DS from her as he doesnt like DS talk to her and DSD has made me feel as if I was a nuicance to her when I talked to her to say good night on a nightly basis so I stopped.

Well today we finished getting her Christmas package together and we got her a card well he wanted to get her a card from just him to her (again). I hadn't told him that it hurt at Easter when he did that but today I told him, "Are you really going to get her another card from just you?" He said, "Yes why?" I told him how I felt that I felt bad that he seperates himself from me, when the gifts were obviously from the both of us and not just from him (he pays the house bills and I pay for the gifts and other things we need in the house such as food and gas etc).

Am I out of line for feeling this way? Should I expect him to always include me in his cards and his part of his life with her? I already feel left out and it hurts when he does it all the more so with little stuff too. We have been married for 2 years and she lived with us for a year and I feel that we are a family now and that he shouldn't feel like he has to do his own thing with her as I include him in everything with DS and I never just get DS anything just from me. I want the kids to feel as if we are 1 big unit not 2 seperate ones.
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December 2nd, 2011, 08:19 PM
Rachel's Avatar Just Rachel
Join Date: Oct 2004
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Well, me personally, it would not bother me. I think I understand why you feel excluded, but a personal card from him to his daughter really wouldn't be something that upset me. I don't think it makes you seem like any less of a family unit by sending that personal card, especially if there is a card from all of you included. Since she lives far away, I can understand his desire to make her feel special on special occasions.
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December 3rd, 2011, 09:48 AM
Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2010
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It wouldn't bother me because I do my own personal card for all holidays and birthdays. It's just how I am. I want my DSD to know that I personally think about her and want to do something special.
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December 3rd, 2011, 01:33 PM
plan4fate's Avatar I may bend, but not break
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Location: Wisconsin
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I'm a sensitive person, so yes it would bother me.

But DH would never do it because he'd feel bad if I did it to him. He is very old school and feels that unless it's for a friend of his that I don't know it should have my name on it too.

I sent home a birthday card for my 8 year old cousin a few weeks ago and he was upset that he didn't get to sign it. lol. I told him his days of needing to write his name are limited to checks and documents (his handwriting is awful, and hurts him immensely), I signed it on there for him.
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December 3rd, 2011, 03:21 PM
K.A.T's Avatar Enjoying her Sticky Bun
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I can understand your hurt, and it's very valid. So, no, you're not out of line for letting him know how you feel. With that being said, it wouldn't bother me at all. I see nothing wrong with DH wanting to keep that special father daughter bond going. I look at it like this, he needs to make sure that his child understands that even though he is no longer with bio mom, that doesn't mean that he's also out of the child's life. A child needs to be reminded that both their parents still love them dearly, no matter what happened in the past.

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December 3rd, 2011, 07:23 PM
Keakie's Avatar Learning to walk in faith
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It would bother me a little bit. I completely understand and support the father-child relationship and agree that it doesn't have to always involve me.

That being said, I (personally) think it's a little excessive to do a separate card for every single occasion and think that some of the more family-oriented times (like Christmas cards) should just be one heartfelt card from your family, and more personal times (like a birthday) can be reserved for one on one cards. That's just my preference, though, and it's based on the fact that it would be out of character for *my* dh.

In your case, I don't necessarily think it's a good thing to ask him to stop. You are completely entitled to your feelings and I agree that they are valid. I also think all that you can do is share your feelings on the situation and otherwise leave it to your dh. If he doesn't really want to change how he handles some of these things, I would try to find a way to make peace with it. It doesn't mean that you're less of a member of the family. You don't have to love it, but for me, it just wouldn't be a battle worth choosing.

Would it help ease your mind a little if there were a way he could encourage your part in the family? Instead of backing down on some of their interactions, is there a way to increase your role in your dsd's life? I know it's hard when there's a lot of physical distance between you. What about sending her an email or a letter, just from you? She might like that.

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December 4th, 2011, 10:01 AM
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You got a lot of good advice so I just want to give a

I think you're feelings are very valid. Just keep talking to dh and letting him know how you feel. It might not change anything but his underdstanding could help your heart and keep you two on the same page.
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