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Just been frustrated with BM lately....

Forum: Blended Families


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April 24th, 2012, 07:32 AM
LoriLou35's Avatar Veteran
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 388
So here is a little back story. BM had a new baby with her BF last month. Olivia has been having a pretty difficult time adjusting. She cries often when she is with us about how much she misses her mom, etc. She calls her mom several times a day in tears. If BM doesn't answer the phone the child is inconsolable. This is not something that was happening before. At first it seemed like normal "new baby" changes, but now I'm not so sure. I started getting a sneaking suspicion that BM was kind of feeding the behavior. And over the weekend I got confirmation.

DH and I went to a family crawfish boil. Olivia wanted to go to a cousins b-day party on her mom's side. No big deal because there weren't going to be many kids her age at the boil. We dropped her off at her mom's and picked her up later in the afternoon. Here is where it got weird (IMO). DH hung on the porch chatting with BM's boyfriend while Olivia gathered her things to go. I was also standing on the porch, but I could see into the house. It took (no kidding) 15 minutes for Olivia to leave. DH assumed she was finishing something up or gathering her things. SHE WASN'T!!! The entire time we stood on the porch BM was coddling her and holding her, telling her how much she was going to miss her, and CRYING!!! It got Olivia VERY emotional. And I was pretty mad about it. That is NOT how you send a child to stay with their other parent.

Sure enough as soon as we got home Olivia started crying again. She told DH that she felt guilty because her mom wanted her to stay with her (it was OUR day to have her). Apparently BM told Olivia "Why don't you just tell your Daddy that you want to stay with me. If you cry he'll let you come back." Do I even need to explain how furious I was at that point!!! She is turning this poor child into an emotional train wreck!!! BM already doesn't like for Olivia to play with other kids because she says her time with her daughter is precious. As a result, Olivia has an EXTREMELY difficult time making friends and relating to other kids. The only kids she really plays with are MY kids....no friends AT ALL at school.

It is so frustrating because DH is angry, but he says he can't control how BM raises her daughter.

I talked with Olivia on Sunday about the crying. I didn't mince words and got to the point quickly. I told her that she could no longer call her mom all day long. She would have a set time (8 PM) to call her, that way her mom would know she was calling and would know to answer. I also told her that when she has these emotional breakdowns when "missing mom" she needed to just go sit in her room until she could get it together. My thoughts are that she is DEFINITELY getting a payoff from the emotional meltdowns, and I want her to see that there is a pretty major negative effect as well. After our talk she was GREAT!!! She was excited about having a set time to call BM. She was also excited that she could just go and be sad by herself if she need (especially after I explained that learning to deal with emotions is a GOOD thing). She felt so grown up about the whole thing.

Hopefully the next few days with BM will not erase everything I've done, but I just needed to vent. There are days when I think that BM really wants her daughter to be emotionally stunted so that she'll lean on her. It's bizarre.....it's like she enjoys knowing Olivia cries for her all the time. This is not a toddler....this is an almost 8 year old who does not understand how to deal with her emotions.

Vent over....Lori better....thanks for reading if you even made it this far!

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April 24th, 2012, 10:24 AM
Rachel's Avatar Just Rachel
Join Date: Oct 2004
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Ugh. Sounds a lot like stuff W and C's mom did before she started seeing them regularly. She would have them all worked up and crying when we picked them up. It was all a show. Hope it gets better!
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April 24th, 2012, 02:54 PM
K.A.T's Avatar Enjoying her Sticky Bun
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I never understood the whole messing with kids minds and emotions thing. We haven't started visitation with BM yet (BM is still too angry with DSD to see her, nice!) I just hope she doesn't play even worse mind games with her now. I would imagine that parents would want to foster healthy relationships with their kids and other parent. It's sad that some can't see past the bitterness of the separation to do so.

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April 24th, 2012, 04:26 PM
Keakie's Avatar Learning to walk in faith
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That's awful. The emotional mind games some parents play with their children disgusts me. I don't understand it.

Good for you for helping her learn to deal with emotions in a healthy way. I would expect some regression when she comes back so be ready to go over what you talked about last time (and be pleasantly surprised if there isn't any ).

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April 24th, 2012, 06:39 PM
plan4fate's Avatar I may bend, but not break
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Ugh... I ditto everyone else, I really do not get some parents.

We had this for a bit, just none of the manipulating and all of the "I'll miss you, I'll count the minutes, the seconds.." etc. DH did have to ask his mom to tone it down, that he understood that she was used to having him all the time, but that she was making our lives hell and needed to be a grown up for him. After that, it stopped. The most we do is "by Reme, I'll miss you. See you _____!"
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April 25th, 2012, 05:50 AM
LoriLou35's Avatar Veteran
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 388
Thanks guys! I really do appreciate all the support. This is all stuff that BM has been doing for years, but I should have expected it to get worse when she had the baby. I was only thinking of Olivia's reaction. I guess I didn't expect BM to amp up her manipulation.

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