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Step mommy guilt coupled with "I want to knock your head off" vent

Forum: Blended Families


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May 9th, 2012, 11:47 PM
plan4fate's Avatar I may bend, but not break
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Location: Wisconsin
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DH's job is going to run over. This is good for us, since it started late. He needs 20 weeks on the job in Ohio or he doesn't get his unemployment. That's frustrating, since these guys work non stop long hours... but if they don't get in the actual weeks they lose out, and since they can go months between contracts, that's a big deal to someone with a wife and kids.

What this means is we aren't going to get home as early as planned. And this means less time with Reme. Insert Step mommy guilt. We are still leaving for Canada in July after his birthday.

DH only realized tonight, we are going for 3 weeks. We were originally going for a month. But he promised me a week home this spring when my travel permit came in in exchange for a 3 week vacation. It didn't come thanks to the lawyer, but I didn't ask to stay the extra week. I just sucked it up. Some how, he thought the 1 week home offer meant 2 weeks in Canada not 3.

Then.. he says it "But what about my time with Reme? You're taking away from my time with him."

My head about exploded. I have not been home since April 2011. He decided we could not afford for me to go home this spring once the permit fell through (I have travel doc's now), I'm not fussing over it, because really, we can't afford the trip since we are ttc and trying to get us both healthy. I gave up my ENTIRE life for this man and his child... and he's trying to guilt me out of the only time I'm going to get with my family for another entire year (and he's already trying to cut that trip down to just 7 days next year).

I love Reme. I already have enough guilt about this trip. But it's not my fault the job started late, or will run late. It's not my fault he wont grow a pair and ask L if we can take Reme with us (he's worried about the long drive with Reme.. but it's our hope to be doing it next year with a freaking infant, I'm sure his 7 year old can take it). We don't need me to get a job this fall, but I am because he asked, that takes out my week this spring that we agreed I would take as long as we could afford it.

I have tried my hardest to make this as easy as possible... I do not deserve this crap he's now dishing out! I'm the only one who's trying to figure things out and make sacrifices and compromises! I am absolutely NOT budging on 3 weeks home... I've done my part already. I suspect he's wanting me to ask L... but while she does consider me a friend, she's not my ex wife, and I have no legal pull over Reme like he does.

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!:tantr um:
1798 Days to Conceive our Miracle!
Baby Girl Due August 7th 2017!!

Last edited by plan4fate; May 9th, 2012 at 11:49 PM.
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May 10th, 2012, 06:36 AM
Keakie's Avatar Learning to walk in faith
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Sorry, Ashley. That sounds really frustrating.

FWIW, we're making the drive from here to Ontario (14 hours or so) with an 8 yo, a 5 yo and a 3 yo this summer. The biggest two things that will make or break a long car trip with children is a) timing - the more they can sleep, the better and b) some kind of entertainment. We may need to rent a vehicle to go up this summer too and we're hoping to get one with a DVD player for them. I drove a lot as a kid (I think I had 3 car trips from Ontario to Florida and back when I was 13 and under, plus some other long trips within Canada) and those things helped me and siblings/step-siblings a lot. If Reme likes to read or play any kind of handheld game, that would work too (I spent the vast majority of one trip to Florida colouring and playing GameBoy Colour). He should ask L.

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May 10th, 2012, 09:43 AM
K.A.T's Avatar Enjoying her Sticky Bun
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He needs to ask L if he's so worried about his time. He also needs to be considerate about the fact that you too have family that you want to see. At least he's seeing his son on a some what regular basis. Meanwhile you haven't seen your family in over a year. Compromise works both ways not just one.

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May 10th, 2012, 11:47 AM
plan4fate's Avatar I may bend, but not break
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Thanks girls. I realized after posting I could really piss off some ladies on here.. I'm glad that (so far) I haven't.

Kayla: no, video games or reading for Reme. He'd flip through his dad's role playing books for hours, but DH would have to be the passenger at the time because it'd be 1 zillion and 1 question time. He doesn't have the manual dexterity to play video games. We'd get a portable dvd player, or buy a laptop with a blu-ray player in it. I think we might do that just for who ever isn't driving (just shielding it from the driver)

Kat: Thanks girlie. I do wish he could see Reme more. This job has been hard, the longest one he's ever worked away from home. It makes it tougher than he only has part time custody of Reme... but even so, the dang agreement isn't being upheld as it is when we are home. We are supposed to have him 50% of the days DH is unemployed. But we only get every other weekend and when ever L needs someone to watch Reme. Dh has the opinion that a child should be with it's mother most of the time... but dang it man, if you're going to think that way don't whine about it. We tried to make it as easy as possible because of school, but I'm of the thinking that if Reme can't stay with us during the week because of school, then he should be with us every weekend (L's current excuse for that is her parents want him one Friday night... which I get, cause I spent friday's with mine... but they get EVERY friday night with him while DH isn't in Wi).

This was all just the last straw in a long ongoing argument that started this year. I pray I'm wrong, but I have a feeling no matter how many kids we have together, Reme is always going to come first. I think this because his comment about something was "you're going to make me choose between my kids and that's not fair." No Darling, I want you to exercise your right to YOUR child so we can do something as a full family with OUR for a holiday.. since L will exercise her rights at any time! (he doesn't know it, but there is a discussion of Disney next year for Xmas for them.. which means DH wont get to see him for xmas at all)
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May 10th, 2012, 01:00 PM
Rachel's Avatar Just Rachel
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I'm sorry Ashley! He definitely needs to grow a pair and talk to his ex about taking Reme. FWIW, we took Daniel and Gabs and Keelan to my parent's house in Kentucky for Thanksgiving. It's roughly 8 hours, but with the babies and the stopping, it was more like 12 in the car. Daniel did awesome.
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May 10th, 2012, 08:08 PM
plan4fate's Avatar I may bend, but not break
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Thanks Rachel. Reme does well in the car as long as you don't psyche him out and tell him where he's going. Yes, we would have to actually NOT tell him he was going to Canada or he'd have a meltdown (he suffers from anxiety and a panic disorder). He also has a camel's bladder...

I'm gonna talk to him about it tomorrow. I take him to work, so it'll give me a good chance to corner him and discuss. if he asks, and she says no... at least we tried and I won't feel so bad.
1798 Days to Conceive our Miracle!
Baby Girl Due August 7th 2017!!

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May 11th, 2012, 05:33 PM
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As a Navy wife I feel your pain. Between D's crazy schedule and the fact his kids are in two different states....nightmare. I haven't seen my momma since Christmas 2011 and if a court date hadn't been close to the holiday that wouldn't have happened. It's so hard and sometimes they just DON'T get it.
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