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  #1  
May 10th, 2012, 03:13 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 1,051
My stepdaughter Maya is a tough one. I've had no problems with Kevin, who took a little bit to warm up to me, but now is fine, but Maya was the opposite. When DH and I were first married, she wanted to be with us ALL THE TIME. She loved me right away and was with us always, even choosing to be with us when it was her mom's time. Well, her mom didn't like that, and started forcing her to go to her house even when she didn't want to. NOW, Maya spends most of her time with her mom, and when she is with us, I can FEEL the tension. I know that her mom talks about me and DH in a not so flattering light, but it really gets to Maya. When she comes here, she sits on the couch and pouts, and listens to her earphones, and calls her mom litterally every hour, and if she doesn't her mom calls her. But when she's not here, if DH calls her she usually doesn't answer, or if she does she only talks to him for a minute before he hears her mom in the backgroud telling her not to waste her minutes. Her mom has moved three times since I've been married, and is now living with her parents, and just threw a big fancy expensive wedding that I don't understand because she can't even afford to pay rent to have her own place, yet she buys the kids anything and everything they want, and they come here, and we can't afford to do EVERYTHING or go out to dinner EVERYNIGHT. When I cook, Maya is mad about it, and half the time wont eat because we aren't at a restauraunt. DH wants her to appreciate things like going to theme parks, going to dinner, getting gifts, so we do that for them, for special occasions, but their mom does it all the time, for no reason, with money that she doesn't have. Kevin stays with us most of the time, and I don't feel ANY of that with him, but it's so hard with Maya, because I feel like our relationship was so good, and now everytime she comes to our house, I'm walking on eggshells because once something doesn't go her way, she calls her mom to come get her, and it hurts DH's feelings SO much. He's a big tough guy, but he will cry in a second over his little girl, and she has NO problem making him do so. She says mean things, she gets mad if we get something for the house after we say no to something she wants, she acts like a teenager going through some kind of teen angst and she's only 11! I'm really worried that her mom is spoiling her and brainwashing her into thinking we don't love her or don't want her around.

Today we had an incident. Maya posted a picture on FB of her step dad working on her school project, and the caption said "Because my daddy loves me lol" Well, her dad and I are both friends with her on FB, and he saw that and was SO upset. He called her mom, and she said "oh she didn't mean anything by it, don't worry" I've never seen him cry so hard. He feels like Maya doesn't love us, and more importantly him. What makes him so mad, is that one time, she had to write a paper about her family for school, and in it she called me her step mom....which I AM....and her mom went CRAZY. She showed up at our house, yelling at me that I'm trying to replace her Blah Blah Blah....But now, Maya calls her step dad "daddy" and "Oh no it's not a big deal." DH and his ex had decided that me and her stepdad are known as Cyndi and Joe. Not mommy or daddy, or mom or dad or any variation of the sort. Which is fine with me, but now their mom is changing it just because it's convinient for her.

Maya is supposed to be here this weekend, and I'm worried. I don't want to have to be so cautious in my own home, and I don't want her to come here and make our home an uncomfortable place. DH will kiss her butt even when she doesn't deserve it just to keep her here, and I don't think it's right. Any ideas on how I can make it more comfortable? I really am at my witts end, and I don't know what to do.

Help.
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  #2  
May 10th, 2012, 05:23 PM
K.A.T's Avatar Enjoying her Sticky Bun
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: NYC
Posts: 13,499
BTDT got the lame T-shirt. Just try your best to deal with it. And don't let her make you uncomfortable in your own home. It will start many battles, but in the end it's your home and your DH needs to understand that she needs to respect the house, you and him. He needs to open his eyes to her manipulating situations. DSD played so many games it wasn't even funny. Her mom was the biggest culprit of them all. Doing the whole she's not your mom, but you can call this new flavor daddy... Well, the day came where her "daddy" laid his hands on her and she was OK with that. DH wasn't. He went to court and now we have her here full time. She's adjusting as the rest of us are, but she's learning (quickly) that the thing her mom were and are doing wasn't right.

That's my long winded way of saying just stick it out and keep working at it.
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  #3  
May 10th, 2012, 08:42 PM
plan4fate's Avatar I may bend, but not break
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 27,101
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*hugs*

I'd first start with having DH on the same page.. and sticking to rules.

Second. The calls have to stop. Set aside a time in the evening for phone calls. other than that, this is daddy time. If she has a cell phone, have it put up on a shelf where she can see it, and let her check it a few times a day for a few minutes, then put it back.

Food is a tough one even at our house. Honestly it has become punishment central for us. There is no other option to dinner. he eats it, or he goes hungry. He can have a breakfast food at bedtime if he didn't eat. His mom has had to do this too. He would much rather have a happy meal than anything else.
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  #4  
May 11th, 2012, 07:45 AM
Rachel's Avatar Just Rachel
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Taneytown, MD
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I'm with Liz. It sounds like she has learned how to manipulate and it's doing it well. Sounds like you all need to set some boundaries and stick to them. And I agree with Ashley about the phone. Take it away and don't let her constantly use it while she is there. No 11 yr old, in my opinion, should have unlimited access to a cell phone anyway. Mom is probably also being underhanded, so it may take some time to get the situation under control.

One other thing to consider is, she's 11. Just because she's not a teen yet doesn't mean she doesn't have raging hormones. I don't think a switch turns on at 13 and says ok you can have teen angst. Some girls start earlier!
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