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The moment you are told you are not a "real" parent....

Forum: Blended Families


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  • 1 Post By Kai452

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February 10th, 2013, 11:00 AM
mom2more's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 2,692

My ss, who I have raised as my own since he was 2, told me he wished he lived with his "real" mom yesterday!

He did something that hubby has told him he would be grounded for next time he did it. Hubby was at work and ss did it. So I told him he had been warned and was now grounded for a week from video games. So he got teary eyed and as I walked away he said that he wished he could just go live with his "real" mom.

Seriously!! Ugghhh....so I turned around and asked him to repeat what he just said. He had a look on his face like oops...and then he repeated it. I wanted to cry. So I just said that I was not aware I was not a real mom. I told him that "real" moms take care of their kids when they are sick, cook them meals, pack their lunches, go to their school and volunteer, go to all their activities, get to know their friend's parents and plan things for them, host birthday parties, make sure they have clean clothes to wear, spend time with them, play games with them, watch movies with them, laugh with them, cry with them, and love them with all their heart. I asked him which of these things I wasn't doing. He started crying saying I do all of those things. I told him that what makes someone a mom or dad, isn't just having a child its doing all these things for the child and putting the child first. Then I walked away.

When hubby got home and I told him about it he talked to ss and told him that its easy to get upset and say hurtful things, but the problem with that is sorry doesn't erase the things that were said or the hurt feelings. He also let ss know that I do all the things I do for him out of love because I don't "have" to do any of it. I choose to.

I think he genuinely feels bad for what he said to me, and I know it was out of the anger of being grounded. But it doesn't hurt any less.

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February 10th, 2013, 03:10 PM
plan4fate's Avatar I may bend, but not break
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Wisconsin
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yeah, that would sting. I'm glad you DH was on top of it though... too many would have just wanted to brush it under the rug!
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February 10th, 2013, 03:36 PM
Keakie's Avatar Learning to walk in faith
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Near the land of cream cheese
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I'm sorry. I'm sure that would sting a lot.

For what it's worth, when I was a kid, I would always say things like, "I wish I lived at (other parent)'s house!" when I was angry or grounded. I said it to my mom about my dad's place, and my dad about my mom's place. I never meant it (I loved that I got to see them both often) but in that moment, all that I wanted was to be with the parent I wasn't currently angry at. I'm sure that he knows who is the one taking care of him day to day, and I'm glad that your dh and you seem to be on the same page with this.

I haven't gotten it directly yet. My middle dss sometimes whines about wanting to go to his mom's house (usually around the same time that we tell him his screen time is over) but that's really been it. I thought it was coming one day from my 6 yo dsd - she was angry, was yelling and shoved her brother almost to the floor. I took her to her room and told her she needed to stay there until she was calm enough to be kind to people, which she was most unhappy about. She tantrumed some more, said "I hate you!" (which stings a little but I know she doesn't really hate me and that she's just upset and trying to use the strongest words she can think of in the moment) and I was expecting a, "You're not my real mom!" next... But then she said, "I wish I didn't have ANY parents!" So no one was safe, even though dh was outside fixing the van and bm obviously wasn't there.

*Excitedly expecting baby girl number two!*

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February 10th, 2013, 08:12 PM
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Ohio
Posts: 28
It does sting. I remember the feeling when I was a quasi-stepmommy. When my ex's daughter got stung by a bee and cried for her mommy, and wanted nothing to do with me or my ex....
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February 10th, 2013, 10:26 PM
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 52
it does hurt. I have listened to very well meaning adults "filling-in" other adults on our family situation right in front of me say "and her real mom doesnt live here" etc. I think that society pins "real mom" in the place of birthmother. Even birthmother can be confusing because the term "birthmother" usually refers to a mother who gives her child up for adoption, and BM's in custody situations are usually just refered to as "the mom".

We explained to SD a long time ago that some people can be offended by the "real" term. Because saying one parent is "real" implies that the other is somehow fake, or pretending to be a parent. So we do use the names Birthmother in our house. Even then though, SD's BM made a comment once about it. She didnt like being called "mommy [firstname]" either. She is just mom.

DH and I are both from blended families and for us we feel like the term Mom is both a Verb and a Noun. Those who fall under the Noun catagory are moms and those who fall under the verb catagory are Real Moms. Because you can't just be a mom, you have to do the job to be a mom. But we havent told SD that we feel that way yet. We just tell her that "there are no real or fake moms". And leave it at that.
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February 11th, 2013, 12:53 PM
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I use to tell my parents I wished I was adopted so I could go find my real parents. Almost all kids say things like that to try and get their way.
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February 11th, 2013, 02:22 PM
ShesaDreamer's Avatar If Only. If Only <3
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:dotug: I remember once when BM told me I shouldn't worry about such and such because I wasn't their real mom. So I just looked at her and said I've done everything you have ever done and then some. (because she had been gone so much) Then I asked her who fit the title of "real mom" and I left. She never said anything about "real mom" status again.
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February 11th, 2013, 03:48 PM
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 152
Ouch! It is very tough to hear the child that you sacrifice and give so much of yourself to (and raise) refer to a self-centered, lazy, nonchalant BM as "real mom"....however, kids are kids - they are going to say hurtful things because they don't understand the depth of their words (at certain ages). They just know that it's a low blow...but they don't understand how low. Keep being the great MOM that you are to the child!
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February 12th, 2013, 05:06 PM
mom2more's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Thanks everyone. I know he was mad and didn't really mean it. And I know he knows in his heart I am his mom in all the ways that matter. Thanks for understanding

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February 13th, 2013, 07:30 PM
K.A.T's Avatar Enjoying her Sticky Bun
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: NYC
Posts: 13,499
I haven't heard those words, yet, but I'm sure they would sting. I'm glad it was addressed quickly and hopefully it won't happen again. DSD has and still does pull that I wish I lived with mom/dad on both of her parents. She did it to bm when she lived with bm, did it dh when she would visit with us and now that she lives with us she still does it. Even though her living here was her choice. Kids are fickle creatures that lash out when they're upset cause they don't know how to handle their emotions well.

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March 21st, 2013, 02:42 PM
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 196
My dsd made a comment last Christmas about how I wasn't family. She didn't say it to me, she said it to DH. I know it wasn't something she said spitefully or even in anger. I overheard her and she sounded kind of confused. Her grandmother (bio-mom's mother) likes to say things like that to her all the time. She never has anything nice to say about DH or myself. She doesn't have to like me (or him), but she does have to respect the little one enough not to try to manipulate her.

Anyway, we were getting ready to decorate the tree and DH told DSD that she needed to wait for me before she started since it's a family event. She said "but Kelly's not really part of the family". I knew she didn't mean it and I knew it had been put in her head, but I still sat down and cried a minute before I went to help decorate.

To his credit, DH handled it very well. He made sure she understands what family is and there's been no mention of it since.

Long story short, I know it stings, but they rarely mean it the way it sounds. Children just don't grasp everything that parents (step, bio, adoptive, etc.) pour into the actual act of parenting. I know I said some hateful things to my parents when I was younger. I never meant a word and have always had a great relationship with them, but I'm sure that didn't stop it from hurting when I said it.
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