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Bonding with stepkids... how long?

Forum: Blended Families


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  • 1 Post By GinnyBeGood

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May 13th, 2013, 02:44 PM
Gaby&Emmy'sMama's Avatar aka NZ-Emma
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Christchurch, NZ
Posts: 56,618
How long did it take you all to bond with your stepkids??? I have bonded quite quickly with the 9yo (girl) - but am really struggling to bond with the 5yo (boy)... It's weird, I thought he would be the one I would bond with the easiest, and I'd have trouble with the 9yo, but we get on really well.

I feel guilty for not bonding with him... Lauriel and I have spoken about it, she's admitted she feels the same about Gaby... I know it'll happen, but... I just wish it would happen sooner, rather than later... because I know I'm supposed to love him like he's my own... right?

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May 13th, 2013, 04:58 PM
Join Date: May 2013
Posts: 3
Originally Posted by Gaby&Emmy'sMama View Post
because I know I'm supposed to love him like he's my own... right?
um...No, you are not required to love him like he's your own. That may happen eventually but may not. You are required to treat him like he was your own. And you are required to include him in your family life without issues. Falling in love with your step-children is just like falling in love with your spouse. Sometimes it's love at first sight and sometimes it has to grow over time. Just don't ever confuse loving them with liking, understanding or having a lot in common! I have his/hers/ours kids (6!) and though I love all of them, I am closer to some than others and that has nothing to do with which ones are his/mine/ours.
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May 14th, 2013, 12:43 PM
stucklikeglue's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: sunny state
Posts: 2,424
Its been almost 5 years here and we are still bonding. I say it takes time and patience. I love them like I had them but it gets hard when you have a bio parent telling you theyre not yours. I treat them as though I would treat mine too. no special privileges in any of them except for the age department. I dont expect a 6 yr old to be able to do and handle themselves as I do a 14 year old. thats just crazy.

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May 14th, 2013, 07:29 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 3,769
No, I read a step mothering book and it made me realize I don't have to feel guilty if I don't love them like my own, there is a difference in my love for my own child and my love for my stepkids, It's been 5 years and I'm still bonding with mine.

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May 14th, 2013, 07:53 PM
Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 972
Bonding can take lots of times. With K I feel like we take 1 step forward and 2 steps back, but we have been getting there. Time will tell!
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May 16th, 2013, 07:39 PM
Gaby&Emmy'sMama's Avatar aka NZ-Emma
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: Christchurch, NZ
Posts: 56,618
thanks for the replies... I don't feel quite so bad now.

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May 16th, 2013, 08:11 PM
HippieLove's Avatar Modern Day Brady Bunch
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Down Under
Posts: 21,233
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Don't feel guilty, I agree that it is something that comes quickly or slowly, but you can't force it. The only thing you have to do, is make sure everyone is treated properly and equally- Which I know you would do. I have bonded with my SS, very quickly and with ease. He is 9 too. My SD and I have a friendship but she's older and we won't ever had a step mum- step daughter, relationship I don't believe but just a friendship.

♥ Isla Rae Due August 28th

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May 18th, 2013, 01:00 AM
Gee Gee's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Chicago
Posts: 2,397
I think me and my (unofficial) SD have bonding right away since day 1. But she's also only 2. I have a stepmom as well. My dad married her when I was 2 and I don't remember her ever not being around.

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May 20th, 2013, 09:12 AM
AtomicMama's Avatar CopperBoom!
Join Date: May 2008
Location: MI
Posts: 14,754
It's so hard I have days where DSD and I are great and I truly feel like I love her like my own. I love her all the time, but there are days that I LOVE her. And then there are days where I have jealousy towards her (I hate to admit that, but it's true ) or where she just drives me crazy and we aren't as close. It isn't always just her behavior that dictates how our relationship is, either. I think it's just the adjustment of blending families, and regardless of my feelings on a particular day, I do my best not to let how I feel show and always treat her well and respectfully.
Amy: Wife to my Handsome Husband Mommy to my superhero, Max (3) and Luckiest Bonus Mama to Sammy (5)

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May 20th, 2013, 10:38 PM
stucklikeglue's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: sunny state
Posts: 2,424
sometimes I feel the same way. Time and patience.

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July 30th, 2013, 11:38 PM
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 32
My now husband and my son are not bondig at all..its been a year. I feel alot has to do with my ex..he still is not over the divorce and my son wants me and the ex back together.

When me and the ex were together he was pretty much MIA..I played mommy and daddy so my son is SUPER close and protective of me. I sure hope this changes. My now hubby wants very much for them to bond and tries like crazy as much as he can
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