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  #1  
November 3rd, 2013, 10:32 AM
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It's been really nice not having to deal with BM. Don't get me wrong, I was worried that this two weeks without contact with her would be hard on him. He seems to have compartmentalized his feelings for his mom and is focusing on his time with us. He hasn't asked about her ONCE, he hasn't had ANY emotional meltdowns, and he has gotten a green in school every day.

I no longer feel bad about what she's going through. I felt bad when HE was suffering because of it. He has gone through a period of acceptance, where he is mature enough now to accept his relationship for what it is and what it will never be. He has been kind, caring, loving, and happy. His report card from this last 2 months states he is putting forth excellent effort at school. We are so incredibly proud of him.

I worry that when she is allowed to use her phone again on Tues, that things might change. I hope he is strong enough to keep up this awesome progress. Court is in one month. It will determine if we go back to how it was (HA!) or if we go forth with a hearing to determine custody. Eric will, I'm sure, try to settle with her out of court, just to make things easier for Owen. But we aren't bending on what we want. And the fact that we don't want her to have any overnights for a year is not going to sit well with her.

But last night, Owen told us he wishes he had out last name instead of hers. We told him that when he gets older, we can talk about going to the place I went when I married his dad and changing it, if he decides it's what he really wants. He said, "I want it. Let's go right now!"

This morning, actually as I was opening this thread to create, he said this.

"Hey Jennifer, do you know what it feels like not having to switch back and forth between here and my moms house? It feels like you're not just my stepmom, it feels like you're my MOM mom."

The fact that she thought she could just take a month long break from a kid this intelligent and pick up where she left off is almost laughable. I don't think their relationship will EVER be the same.
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  #2  
November 3rd, 2013, 02:48 PM
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Quiet is good! I am so glad that O is handling everything so well. I hope that Tuesday does not derail everything!
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  #3  
November 3rd, 2013, 05:38 PM
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Thanks Patty.

We sat down with him and told him how proud we are of him and how he is handling everything so well. We told him she gets phone privileges this week and will probably be calling him and asking him to come to family day on Saturday.

He said, "I don't want to go to a place full of people who made bad choices. I think my mom needs to focus on herself and she can see me when she gets out."

Wise beyond his years.

We discussed the future a little bit. He said he wants to continue living here because this is his home, and he wants to just continue to have visits with his mom, but not have to live with her, until their relationship is in better condition.

I got tears in my eyes as we were talking because he is turning into such an amazing young man. I have been working my *** off to make sure I don't say the wrong things. And to make sure I treat him as I would if I birthed him. I love him more than I could ever explain. It's as close to a mothers love as I would imagine one could get. And the fact that he is coming out on top and is happy and healthy, well that means the world to me.
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  #4  
November 3rd, 2013, 06:22 PM
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I'm glad that O has been doing well and that all is quiet. I hope that Tuesday doesn't bring a flood flood of issues for you all.
I'm sad that O like Lucy as had to deal with adult things at such a young age. It's just not fair. But like Lucy, O is wise beyond his years. He is a strong, intelligent young man and with Eric and your help, he will thrive.
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  #5  
November 3rd, 2013, 08:18 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by My2miracles View Post
I'm glad that O has been doing well and that all is quiet. I hope that Tuesday doesn't bring a flood flood of issues for you all.
I'm sad that O like Lucy as had to deal with adult things at such a young age. It's just not fair. But like Lucy, O is wise beyond his years. He is a strong, intelligent young man and with Eric and your help, he will thrive.
Thanks

We try really hard to counteract anything negative that happens on her side with positive things here. Just simple things, family meals, family game night, taking the dogs to the dog park together, etc.

He put it quite clear to us tonight, "This is my home. You are my parents. We are a family."
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  #6  
November 4th, 2013, 12:09 AM
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I am new here. But just from reading this thread can tell that you are a loving person and a strong person and a great role model for Owen. He is very lucky to not only have a committed father but you as well. It is no wonder he is doing so well. He has amazing parents in you and his father!
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  #7  
November 4th, 2013, 11:42 AM
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I'm glad he's doing so well. Hopefully things continue to go smoothly after today.

I totally agree that the little things can help a lot. He's very lucky to have a loving, safe place to be.
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  #8  
November 4th, 2013, 02:28 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by meant2bemommie View Post
I am new here. But just from reading this thread can tell that you are a loving person and a strong person and a great role model for Owen. He is very lucky to not only have a committed father but you as well. It is no wonder he is doing so well. He has amazing parents in you and his father!
Quote:
Originally Posted by Keakie View Post
I'm glad he's doing so well. Hopefully things continue to go smoothly after today.

I totally agree that the little things can help a lot. He's very lucky to have a loving, safe place to be.
Thanks

I'm just starting to stress. She's gonna be able to call him sometime in the next few days. And I just really hope he stays strong. I know he is capable. But he has written her off so much so far, I don't want him to start feeling guilty and change his mind. Or let HER change his mind.

I was doing his laundry and I found a letter from his mom in his pocket. It was addressed to his grandparents house. It was postmarked October 28th. That was 6 days ago. So we think someone visited him at school again. Even though I specifically told the school he was not to have visitors. Even though we specifically told BM he was not to have visitors. When he is at school he needs to focus ON SCHOOL. The letter says "Yay! Grandpa is allowed to visit you at school now! I wish I was!" Never did we say sure he can go visit Owen. We said, "Visiting him at school is not appropriate. He needs to focus on school while he's there."

So not only did THEY not abide by what they were told, but neither did the school. I'm furious.
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  #9  
November 4th, 2013, 03:51 PM
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That's crazy! How did the school let that happen? At our school, I can't even visit my own kids unless it's a scheduled parent day.
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  #10  
November 4th, 2013, 08:06 PM
meant2bemommie's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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WOW, the school definitely needs to be spoken to. Did you give him the letter back and talk to him about how the letter got there. (Like pretend that you didn't read it.) I can't believe the school did not abide by your request.
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  #11  
November 4th, 2013, 08:10 PM
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Originally Posted by My2miracles View Post
That's crazy! How did the school let that happen? At our school, I can't even visit my own kids unless it's a scheduled parent day.
I talked to the assistant principal. He claims he spoke with DH 2 weeks ago because Owen's grandpa called and asked if he could visit. Eric told the principal that he did not feel it is appropriate for them to be visiting him all the time, and to keep it how his wife (me) asked for it to be. Which is no visitors. The principal is claiming that DH told him only BM wasn't allowed, but that grandparents were.

Our issue is this.

They are giving him letters from BM. Now we know she can freely contact him, but should he really be receiving a letter from his mother in rehab, talking in detail about how she's going to finish the 12 step program and then they can "be happy again and put this behind us" IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SCHOOL DAY? No he should not. Also, it gives Owen the impression that we are keeping him from people he loves.

I just spoke with Eric, and we came up with a gameplan. He's going to call the grandparents and tell them not to be visiting him at school. It's not the place for visits. We get that they have been a bigger part of his life than most grandparents, we get that they are trying to compensate for her lack of parenting. But he needs to focus on school when he's at school.

we will, however, offer for them to come pick him up for dinner. That's fine. That's after school, in an appropriate setting. Hopefully this will suffice.
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  #12  
November 6th, 2013, 06:23 PM
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I'm glad he's doing good with it all and yes he is very wise beyond his years which is sad but at least hes got you guys!! HUGS
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  #13  
November 6th, 2013, 08:23 PM
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Owens grandpa visited him at school for lunch today. During this time, he had Owen write a letter to his mother. He then told him he would be picking her up from rehab that day, and taking her to the doctor because her headaches were getting really bad and she needed "her pills." He told him the appointment was at 4:00pm. (Note, even though she was out and had access to her dad's phone, she was apparently wanting to hide this from us so badly that she did not use that phone to call her son, whom she has not spoken to in over 2 weeks.) Grandpa then shows up at soccer practice, and proceeds to show him pictures he took of her during her little excursion. At the end of soccer practice, he hands him a note from her, thanking him for his letter.

Grandpa also approached me at soccer before DH got there and asked me if Owen could attend family day on Saturday. I told him he would have to deal with DH directly.

Why dont people know their place? Why is Owen writing letters to his mom during lunch instead of eating his lunch?
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  #14  
November 6th, 2013, 08:50 PM
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I don't even have words for these people.
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  #15  
November 6th, 2013, 09:32 PM
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Are we out of line to reiterate to the school that he is to have no visitors?

Are we being harsh? Eric is having a hard time making that decision because he doesn't want her parents to be against us. I say screw them at this point. They think they can do whatever they want and not worry about what we think.

What 9 year old child should be reading letters from his mother in rehab during the school day?!

After he read the note that his grandpa handed him at soccer practice and then said absolutely nothing to us and rushed off to his car, Owen said, "Well at least she remembers I exist."
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  #16  
November 7th, 2013, 12:21 AM
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It is hard because you don't want to seem like the bad people here but they are not doing him any good by doing what they are doing either. I really don't know any way that you can really resolve this letter issue. Maybe your DH can talk to the grandparents and let them know you are not against the letters but the need to be given to him when it is appropriate and school is not one of those times. Maybe your DH can even suggest that for now the letters should go through him first?
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  #17  
November 7th, 2013, 10:23 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by meant2bemommie View Post
It is hard because you don't want to seem like the bad people here but they are not doing him any good by doing what they are doing either. I really don't know any way that you can really resolve this letter issue. Maybe your DH can talk to the grandparents and let them know you are not against the letters but the need to be given to him when it is appropriate and school is not one of those times. Maybe your DH can even suggest that for now the letters should go through him first?
Thats what we feel is best. But keep in mind BM is mailing letters to Owen to our house AND her parents house. Shes just as in on it as they are. By her sending letters to them, its basically telling them to bring them to his school.

Not once have they asked us if they could have Owen over. That night he stayed the night? That was OUR idea. They havent asked to have him over since then. They see him for 30 minutes a week at school, against our wishes. We would be SO willing to let him go over there for dinner during the week, or spend a night on the weekend. Why is it so important that they go to his school?!

Im so tired of bringing all our Jerry Springer family drama to his school. We already took them off the list. We already said no visitors. WHY is it that if they are not on the list, they are still allowed on school grounds?! When they called and asked, I said NO visitors. When THEY called the principal, and the principal called my husband, he told him NO visitors. Yet the principal is claiming that my husband said it was okay.

I'm just so over everyone putting themselves first and not thinking about his well being.

In the middle of soccer practice, grandpa shows up and starts showing Owen pictures he took of BM that day when he saw her. For the rest of soccer practice, Owen had NO focus, and was reprimanded by the coach multiple times.
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  #18  
November 7th, 2013, 02:05 PM
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I would absolutely have DH call his grandparents and explain the situation. Tell her parents that he absolutely understand that they want to continue their relationship with Owen, and even that they make be concerned that his relationship with his mom is not being encouraged. Have DH reassure them that you guys aren't doing or saying anything to isolate him from his mom, or from them. Make sure they are aware that all letters BM sends to your house do make it to Owen, and that he is allowed and encouraged to write letters to her whenever he wants to, but that you will not force him to write to her if he doesn't want to.

I would also remind them that you guys are more than happy to allow them to have Owen over for dinner or meet him for dinner anytime they want. That any weekend they are more than welcome to keep him overnight. However, with how well school has going compared to his issues before, you really want to keep the focus at school on school, so that you would really appreciate it if they respected school time hours by not trying to visit him then. Maybe even let them know that neither you nor DH will be visiting him at school either, because you want to allow him to focus only on school?

I'd also have your DH call the school and talk directly to the principal and make sure he is aware that you really don't want any visitors. Do you think it's at all possible that maybe he did tell the principal it was okay because he felt bad and is now regretting it? Like, maybe he felt bad that grandpa was right there and didn't think it would hurt anything so he said okay? I hope that's not over stepping! I really don't think he would lie to you at all I don't mean to imply that. I am sure it was just an error by the school. I think it's perfectly fine to tell the school absolutely no visitors for any reason, please don't even call and ask (that way, you guys can't be put on the spot and have to be the bad guys). If DH is worried about the grandparents, I think calling them directly and letting them know it's an education reason and nothing personal, and that they are more than welcome to see Owen any other time (though I think I might take soccer out of the question at this point, too). Hopefully that will calm them down?
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  #19  
November 7th, 2013, 03:26 PM
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Originally Posted by AtomicMama View Post
I would absolutely have DH call his grandparents and explain the situation. Tell her parents that he absolutely understand that they want to continue their relationship with Owen, and even that they make be concerned that his relationship with his mom is not being encouraged. Have DH reassure them that you guys aren't doing or saying anything to isolate him from his mom, or from them. Make sure they are aware that all letters BM sends to your house do make it to Owen, and that he is allowed and encouraged to write letters to her whenever he wants to, but that you will not force him to write to her if he doesn't want to.

I would also remind them that you guys are more than happy to allow them to have Owen over for dinner or meet him for dinner anytime they want. That any weekend they are more than welcome to keep him overnight. However, with how well school has going compared to his issues before, you really want to keep the focus at school on school, so that you would really appreciate it if they respected school time hours by not trying to visit him then. Maybe even let them know that neither you nor DH will be visiting him at school either, because you want to allow him to focus only on school?

I'd also have your DH call the school and talk directly to the principal and make sure he is aware that you really don't want any visitors. Do you think it's at all possible that maybe he did tell the principal it was okay because he felt bad and is now regretting it? Like, maybe he felt bad that grandpa was right there and didn't think it would hurt anything so he said okay? I hope that's not over stepping! I really don't think he would lie to you at all I don't mean to imply that. I am sure it was just an error by the school. I think it's perfectly fine to tell the school absolutely no visitors for any reason, please don't even call and ask (that way, you guys can't be put on the spot and have to be the bad guys). If DH is worried about the grandparents, I think calling them directly and letting them know it's an education reason and nothing personal, and that they are more than welcome to see Owen any other time (though I think I might take soccer out of the question at this point, too). Hopefully that will calm them down?
Thanks for your reply!

I spoke with Dh today. He was about to get on a plane when the principal had called him. Grandpa had called and asked the principal, so the principal called DH. He stands by the fact that he did not want anyone visiting him at school, sometime he and I told the secretaries on October 14th. The principal was aware that BM is not allowed on campus, but said he thought DH told him the grandparents didnt concern him. DH says from what he remembers he said the grandparents didnt need to be there either. My question to the school is how come they kept calling when we both told them no visitors already?

Dh told me he's going to call grandpa and ask to sit down with him. We feel they are really trying to keep their side of the family relevant, and I get that. I really do. They probably know we won't have Owen go to family day. The thing that bothers me is they keep taking upon themselves to visit him at school, something theyve never done until BM went to rehab, instead of asking us if he could come over their house for longer, more quality time. We wouldnt be sitting right there, we let him sleep over there just a couple weeks ago. But they havent even asked. We had to offer that sleepover.

DH wants to sit down with him and just explain that we're trying to do what's best for Owen. And ultimately, right now, what DH says goes, and that they are not to visit him at school, but are welcome to see him outside of school. We are even fine with him going there during the week. Seeing BM during the week was an issue for us because of all that's going on, but seeing grandma and grandpa won't do any harm.

I still worry that once she gets phone privileges, that Owen will be with his grandparents, and they will call her, and we won't be able to monitor the phone calls. But Owen is being so mature about this whole thing, we could easily tell him that he is not to speak on the phone to her unless we are there, (Per the court order right now she can only call him on Tues and Thurs unless we allow more, which we will if he wants, just in OUR home,) and he will tell us if they pull anything shady. We can't control every aspect of this, but we are trying so hard to not make the same mistakes we made last time.

Last time, everyone kept saying "Follow the court order to a T!" And thats what we need to do. She needs to learn her lesson this time. And as long as Owen isnt suffering from their lack of contact, than I have no issue with the fact that she is.
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  #20  
November 7th, 2013, 04:26 PM
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That's a great approach. The sad fact is O has an alcoholic mother and he has to learn to deal with that. It's really unfair but it is what it is. I don't mean that as glib as it sounds. I know how hard it is to watch the child you love suffer at the hands of their parent.
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