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November 16th, 2005, 07:00 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 4,050
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I got to wondering tonight if there was a board like this on here -- so glad there is!

My name is Cassie, I'm 22. Been married to Sean (25) for 3 years; together for 6. We have 3 children together, Jasmine is almost 4, Nick is 2.5, and Isabelle is due in March.

I've suffered from depression for 10 years. It all started on November 2, 1995 when my mother told my father over his father's grave, the day after the funeral, that she'd been having an affair with our minister (her boss) for 2 years. The years that followed would result in quite a long story, but to quickly sum it all up:

My parents felt that at 12 years old I was old enough to know what was happening so I was in on everything while my younger brother was spared the ugliness. My father left for a few days after finding out, years later I was informed that he'd had an affair with my mother's sister for revenge. It was a small, conservative town and everyone attended the church, so the kids at school all knew and I was outcasted and teased. My father tried to commit suicide, he collapsed while hugging me -- we were up all night keeping him alive and then helping him sober up -- all images that haunt me to this day. We very quickly moved to a new area where I was told to never discuss what had happened, so I had to make up a life and lie to everyone -- the truth about my lies came out years later and none of my friends trusted me again. My parents fought constantly and I was always pulled in as a referee to decide who was right and who was wrong -- my father often begged me to stay with him should he leave my mother, and I often locked myself in the bathroom crying and begging them to divorce. This was all while I was in middle school, 12-13 years old.

My early teenage years weren't much better. I was forced to grow up too fast because of my parents pulling me into their very adult situation, and as a result I felt entitled to adult privileges. I began smoking and drinking, became sexually active, would sneak out of the house and skip school. Occasionally I attempted suicide and I would often cut myself to relieve the emotional pain. I was 14-15 at this time. I became involved with a terrible person who abused me in every way, cheated on me, and passed me around to all of his friends and called me the community girlfriend. He convinced me that I wasn't safe at home so I ran away, which led to my almost being arrested and also almost made me fail 10th grade. It was a short lived relationship, but it led to my believing I deserved to be treated that way, and those feelings still live on today. I also was drugged and taken advantage of by my boss when I was 16, and when I reported it to his superior I was basically laughed at and called a liar. My husband has since had to work with that so-called man, knowing what he did, and I feel guilty for allowing that to happen to me and then have it hurt my husband.

Sean and I got together shortly after the thing with my boss, and he saved my life. I continued my adult behavior, but was safe with him. I got back on track with school because of him. We got pregnant with Jasmine when I was 17 and after I graduated we moved into an apartment together. During our year there I turned 18, Jasmine was born, and we got engaged. Then we bought this house and a few months later we got married. Immediately after that we bought an SUV and started trying for our son, who came along when I was 19. He was born 6 weeks early and would have done just fine, but the hospital made a lot of mistakes and almost killed him (another hospital confirms he would've died had they continued the treatment they were giving him). That's the quick sum up of my late teen years.

I suffered from PPD very badly with Jasmine. I had all the feelings of not wanting her and thinking I didn't deserve her. I would often let her cry while I curled up on the couch thinking I couldn't go on like that. I even had thoughts of harming her, though I so very thankfully never did. I talked to my OB and she passed it off as nothing, so my one attempt at seeking help had failed. I just worsened as her first year went on. Then she took a fall and needed stitches and for the first time I felt love for my child. I feel bad that it took something like that for me to feel it, but I'm so glad now that I do feel it. With Nick I didn't really have the chance for PPD to set in. He was in the hospital and I was running back and forth from Jas to him, and I was so worried and concerned for his life. I actually have that whole awful situation to thank for the PPD not being so bad with him, which also makes me feel bad. I think the PPD has finally gone away, though I do expect it to return when Isabelle comes. I despise myself for my feelings with Jas though. I look back on that time and it was so dark, and it should've been so happy. I look at pictures and watch home movies, and I'm nowhere to be seen. I never got to bond with her, and even today she's much closer with her father than me. My son and I have that bond, but I think I've missed out with my daughter. They're both wonderful kids. Well behaved and polite, smart and funny -- they light up my life. I never thought I could feel love like this. Unfortunately I have my father's ugly temper and short fuse, so I often times have to catch myself when things get heated (like when the kids fight, for example). I hate it when I start yelling and resort to spanking them. I don't want to be that person. That person is also the person who has cost me all of my friends and now I am all alone, except for Sean and the kids. Well, technically it didn't cost me all of my friends, probably half of them. The rest were lost because there are some very manipulative, immature, backstabbing people out there who I trusted and they betrayed me (long story there).

My husband and I have a fairly abnormal relationship. We both have many faults, and we're both working hard to work through them. I, for instance, am a very difficult and selfish person. My husband works 10-12 hour days, 5 days a week, and gets home anywhere from 8pm-2am depending on the shift he's working, and yet every morning, at 6am, he gets up with the kids. I am incapable of getting out of bed before 9am -- we both blame the depression for this. I feel awful that he's so stressed from work and exhausted from lack of sleep, but no matter how hard I try, I can't seem to fix this problem. I'm also bad with money which makes his life harder. Each month I'm given money for groceries and gas, but somehow I always manage to overdraw the account. And it's usually because I make one cheap oddball purchase that I forget to write down. Then I start asking him for more money to buy something for the kids or something for the house and get pretty upset when he says we don't have the money because we're trying to pay off our debt. And I continually push him about getting us into our dream home within the next two years so Jasmine doesn't have to enter the school system here (I don't care for it). We can do it, it won't be a problem, but he gets irritated with how persistant I am. Finally, I'm pretty bad at housekeeping. I've never really known how to care for a house. So laundry gets put off, dishes pile up in the sink, vacuuming gets overlooked, and the kids toys don't get put away -- and he ends up doing it all. I'm very forgetful and easily distracted so even when I plan out a schedule to follow I'm unable to follow it. All of these problems build up until he blows up which usually makes me get my act together, but it only lasts so long and I lapse into my old ways. Sean's problem is mainly that he's controlling and verbally abusive. The way he gives me an allowance and won't let me have any say in where our money goes really upsets me. He bought an employee of his a car without even consulting me -- and while she did pay him back, it wasn't his right to fork out all that money. He bought another employee a trasmission for his car, and then fired the guy and we never got the money back. Currently he's talking about taking flying lessons to become a pilot, and we're extremely in debt and trying to save for our dream home and I think it's a very bad idea. His philosophy is, he earns the money, he says what we do with it. Whereas I believe that marriage is a partnership and we have equal say in where OUR money goes. As for the verbal abuse, he's just very quick to belittle me. Like with this pilot thing, he says I'm not being supportive of what he's passionate about, and he asked what I was passionate about. When I told him, he told me that I had my head in the clouds and should think of something else. And he starts these insignificant arguments with me whenever I state my opinion on something, because he feels his opinion is fact and my opinion is wrong. And he has this annoying way of calling me "woman", and most of the time it's joking...but Nick recently called my mother woman and now I'm set on getting Sean to knock it all off. He says he doesn't do these things, and I keep telling him he's blind to what he does. Even 30 seconds after he says something I'll point it out to him and he tells me it's all in my head. And my new argument is, if it's in my head, why is his son displaying these actions? That seems to have gotten through to him.

I just recently went back into therapy -- was at my second session today. I'm trying to get past my parents affairs, I want to be able to forgive and let go of grudges. The guy my mother had an affair with died 2 years ago of cancer and I honestly was pissed that he only suffered for 10 months and not longer, because he deserved so much more suffering. I don't want to be such a hate-filled person anymore. I want to let go of the guilt I feel for things that aren't my fault, and stop being so hard on myself and stop blaming myself. I want to at long last remember what happiness is. I may never get my childhood back, but I want to really live my adult life. Not be held back because of my parents mistakes and the things others did to me as a child. My therapist says I suffer from trauma, which is what is causing my panic attacks, and it's not going to be an easy road to recovery. I think she's right -- she's my 3rd therapist and so far no one's been of any help. I was on medication before -- Zoloft, Wellbutrin, and Lexapro -- but it was during my pregnancy with Nick so the dosages were small. After Isabelle arrives I'm going to try them again with larger dosages and hopefully that will aid in my healing. She's also going to help Sean and I with our problems, and he's agreed to come and see her to work on his verbal abuse. I truly hope this works, because my marriage is going to end if we can't work through these things. Fortunately she has high hopes for us, because we truly love each other and both really want to work things out.

Well, I kept it as short as possible. Sorry it's so long, but if you got through it, thanks for reading. I'm sure I'll be hanging around this board for quite some time, and hopefully be able to help support you all too.

Cassie, mom to:

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November 19th, 2005, 07:57 AM
missy123's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Savannah GA
Posts: 13,418
I can relate to you sweetheart. I want you to know you are not alone Your story is really similar to the story of my life.

My parents divorced when I was 11. My mom couldnt deal with anything so I had to grow up super fast. She re-married a super abusive alcholoic. I ran away and blah blah blah........ I could go on and on.

I denyed I had depression for the longest time. The day I admitted to myself I needed help was the best day ever! I went to doctors, got on different meds and finally found that well-butrin is the best drug for me.

I am NOT saying taking medicine is the answer for you, we are all different. I am just saying that it is possible to live a happy life while still getting over the hurdles of depression.

I wish I could hug you right now. You have an uphill battle but know you are not a bad person, there is nothing wrong with you or who you are. Liking yourself is one of the keys to true happiness in life.

Feel free to write me anytime.

Pregnancy Loss April 2009, September 2010
CP 10/2008, 1/3/11 {missing my babies every single day}Mommy to 4 Children - 3 boys ages 22, 21 and 18 & baby Scarlett
After 2.5 years TTC with 4 losses our Family was given the gift of Miss Scarlett
Do not ever give up hope...

Miss Scarlett... Our miracle girl still brings happy tears to my eyes.

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November 21st, 2005, 01:03 AM
Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 26
Cassie, I am so sorry to hear about everything you have been through. I can tell by your post you really love your children and are a very good mother. You should never let despression make you think you aren't a wonderful person. You are not alone, all of us here would love to do whatever we can to help you get through this. Good luck with everything.
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