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New here; could really use some advice

Forum: Mental Health


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January 16th, 2013, 06:22 PM
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 4
I'm going to apologize in advance because this will be long. I think this is the right place to post this but my apologies if it should be elsewhere.

I'm happily married and we have a beautiful 9 y.o. girl. My pregnancy was beyond difficult. I had a massive amount of health problems and ended up having an emergency c-section when I was 32.5 weeks. The main issue was kidney related but I also have a heart-shaped uterus (meaning that as baby gets bigger it becomes harder for her to turn around so I most likely would have had to have a c-section even if my kidneys were fine). The kidney problem lead to gall bladder problems and eventually an infection that made it into my blood stream. Because of all that, my husband and I decided we would stop at 1 baby.

Lately though, I'm having a hard time accepting this. My husband is happy with 1 and has no urge to have another. Most of the time I'm fine too. But when it comes down to me firmly deciding "no more babies" I get really, really sad. One of my good friends is pregnant with baby #2, due any day, and last week I burst into tears just talking to her because it hurt so much to think that I wouldn't/shouldn't experience pregnancy and a new baby again. I rarely cry so I know this is hitting me hard when I cry over a conversation about bassinets!

There's a chance that with help from my doctors I could get pregnant again and carry a child without serious incident (aside from the probable c-section) but of course there are never guarantees. Hubby (understandably) won't even consider it without knowing that we'll be healthy, which is fair. I feel so stupid even considering having another one because of how scary it was the first time with all those problems. I feel selfish because thousands of people have trouble conceiving even 1 baby and here I am whining over not having 2. I like my job and don't necessarily want to go on maternity leave and I'd love to travel with my family now that my daughter is old enough to appreciate travelling. There would be a huge age gap between siblings if I did get pregnant and I worry about what kind of relationship they'd have with such a big difference between them. I have a million reasons to not have another baby but it still truly hurts to close that door. I'm having a really hard time coping with it and I came to these boards to see if I could maybe find some advice on how to let go. I don't think it helps that we hear about celebrity pregnancies every 5 minutes and sometimes it seems like everyone around me is pregnant. I just want to be okay with not having any more kids and I don't know how to get there. Any comments are appreciated. Thanks
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February 18th, 2013, 07:21 AM
Nyzira's Avatar Just call me Bam.
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Clarksville, TN
Posts: 2,609
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I'm sorry that I can't offer any advice on letting go but have you and your husband considered using a surrogate to have another baby? I know you wouldn't get to enjoy being pregnant again, but it might be a nice compromise. I have a friend that used a surrogate and had a wonderful experience. You just have to make sure you do it all legally.

If you both have decided definitely no more, no matter what, then perhaps you should approach the decision the same way you would a loss. The grief is much the same, in my opinion. Maybe find a therapist to speak with that specializes in grief counseling?

I hope you do find peace with whatever you decide.

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February 25th, 2013, 08:38 AM
MommytoZoeAlyssa's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: KY
Posts: 6,027
I think you and DH should talk about this and consult your Dr together and see what options are available and what the risk would be. I also think looking for a surogate is a good option as well as if you and DH decide it is too risky for you to become pregnant again maybe you should talk to a therapist about the feelings you are having about the situation. I know talking to a Dr/Therapist is a scary thing to do if you have never done so however it can help. I hope everything works out for you!
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