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1 year ago today....

Forum: Trying to Conceive with Medical Assistance


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August 1st, 2008, 08:00 AM
Posts: n/a
One year ago today, I was admitted to Shands Hospital in Jacksonville, Florida to be induced...

I still remember that day as though it was last week....NOT 365 days ago....

I was so nervous and so scared....scared because I didn't know what to expect. Most women who enter the hospital to be induced are SO EXCITED, that they don't have time to be scared....but I had nothing to be excited about....I didn't get to pack a baby bag for the hospital, I didn't have a finished nursery waiting for my little ones at home, I had nothing....

So my induction began on Wednesday August 1, 2007 at roughly 8 pm....My water broke sometime Thursday morning and I labored hard all day...finally I caved and got the epidural. I got an infection in my uterus by Thursday evening due to the fact that my water had broken so early and I had yet to deliver...

I labored throughout the night...early Friday morning (August 3rd) I felt like "something" was about to happen...I called for a nurse and they checked me, I was 10 centimeters dialated and Noah's little foot was sticking out

I pushed just a little and they were born....DH's eyes lit up as though I had just delivered the most perfectly beautiful little babies. He kissed me on the forehead and said "They're Perfect"....for a moment I thought he meant that nothing was wrong with them and that it was all just a big mistake.....I asked him "Are they together?", he said, "Yes, but they're still perfect"

DH and the nurse took pictures of their perfect little hands and feet and then positioned them in the middle of a blanket....My husband placed our sons in my lap and I looked at them with loving amazement. They WERE the most beautiful babies I had ever seen. Their little arms were wrapped around eachother as if they left this earth in a loving embrace. I could've stared at them forever....

The Chaplain came and we baptized our babies. I still remember that the Chaplain kept saying "The Baby" and DH kept telling him there are TWO babies....

The time came all too soon for me to hand my little boys over to the nurse, knowing that I would never again in this lifetime get to see or hold my little miracles. I told my babies that I loved them and that I was sorry for what happend to them. The nurse wrapped them in the blanket, called for a security guard, and was escorted to the morgue.

I buried my babies 5 days later. I was naive enough to think that I would be "better" a year later, but I'm not-I'm just as torn up now as I was then. It doesn't get easier...

My mom and I went to the cemetery today and put out Asher and Noah's birthday decorations...they turned out so cute...I'd like to share some pictures if you all don't mind....

6 week ultrasound

12 weeks-They're Conjoined

14 weeks-They're BOYS

14 week belly pic

Little Feet w/ Our Wedding Rings

Saying Good Bye

Their Forever Crib

Daddy dropping a rose into their grave

My Memorial Tattoo

Daddy's Memorial Tattoo

The following are from today-

ETA: The little Pooh characters hanging from the flower arrangement our from my baby mobile And the little bears' sweaters say "Happy Birthday"
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August 1st, 2008, 08:10 AM
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I can't imagine what today is like for you. Sending you extra hugs and loves today, tomorrow, and the next few days. I will be lighting a candle for your boys on sunday
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August 1st, 2008, 08:25 AM
jandswood's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Thanks for sharing!
Sarah married to Joe and momma to Creed 9, Luke 6 and three angle babies
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August 1st, 2008, 08:58 AM
*becky*'s Avatar Mommy to Bailey & Camryn
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Kansas City Metro
Posts: 6,294
Oh honey...thank you for sharing your beautiful story. I pray that God helps heal your heart with mercy.


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August 1st, 2008, 09:03 AM
Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 866
I am sorry that you are having to go through this..I am really glad you shared your story though.I set and cried with you for a few mins..Lots of (((((((HUGS)))))))


BFP!!!!! 2/11/09
Beta #1 -2184
Beta #2 -4800
Beta #3-13000
Beta #4-35000
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August 1st, 2008, 09:10 AM
Josey's Avatar Super Mommy
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Location: CAFB, MS
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I'm so sorry hunny!! I wish I could be there for you during this. You are the strongest person I know and I admire you so much. I hope that I am half the woman and mother that you are. I love you!!!!!

Thanks to ~* Helen *~ for my beautiful siggy!
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August 1st, 2008, 09:36 AM
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: South
Posts: 444
Awe Brandi. I cant even thing of anything wonderful too say. I am so sorry for your loss.

Me 28, DH 31
Married 09/2003
TTC #1 since 08/2007, history on FF Home Page - from IUI's to IVF we have tried it all.
TTC Cycle #20

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August 1st, 2008, 10:09 AM
kmannetta2005's Avatar Veteran
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Boston, Massachusetts
Posts: 402
Brandi I can't express how sorry and heartbroken I am for you. You are such a strong person for going through this. I know it is easier for me to say but I do believe you will see your sons again and time will eventually heal itself. In no time you will get a BFP and Asher and Noah will have a little brother or sister. Keep your head up and let me know if you need anything.
Kelly and Brian Married May 29, 2005
My Fur Baby [img]

DH- 31
TTC since 2/2007
HSG done in 12/2007 and showed blockage of tubes
3/2008- First IVF=BFN
Starting 2ND IVF cycle in June- Hoping for a 2009 Baby!!!!
6/25/08- starting lupron injections
7/7/08- suppression check
7/7/08- start Gonal-F
7/17/08- trigger shot
7/19/08- retrieval (please fertilize eggies): 7/22/08- transferred 2 embies HCG scheduled for 8/4
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August 1st, 2008, 10:57 AM
AprilBaby08's Avatar Super Mommy
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Extra extra love and hugs to you today sweetie! You are such a strong person. Asher and Noah are in heaven keeping your children to be company!
Jun 06-Dec 06: TTC au naturale. OPK's, BBT's, Ovulex, Vitex= No O.
Dec 06: Official PCOS dx. Duhh!!
Jan 07: Provera, 50 mg Clomid = No O.
Feb-Mar 07: 100 mg Clomid= Late O, but BFN.
Apr 07: 100 mg Clomid + Met 1000mg = Late O, but BFN.
May 07: 150 mg Clomid + Met 1000mg = No O.
July 07: 150 mg Clomid + Met 1000mg = No O.
Aug 07: 200 mg Clomid= No O.
Sep 07- Nov 07: On a TTC Break.
Dec 07: Gonal-f and IUI cycle = BFN
March 08: Waiting to start IVF, but O'd on my own after weight loss!!!!
April 08: TTC with clomid 100 mg= BFN....but happy I o'd again!!!
June 08: Consult with RE to start Gonal-F and IUI cycle.
July 08; Gonal-f and IUI cycle=Cancelled. Too many follies. E2 too high.

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August 1st, 2008, 12:00 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jun 2007
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Oh I am so sorry. I can't imagine how difficult today is for you. I am crying for you. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
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August 1st, 2008, 12:57 PM
MountainMomma's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
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Brandi, I am so sorry for everything you have been through this past year. I've been thinking of you alot lately and I'm praying for you and your DH each and every day.

Thanks to Jaidynsmum for my new siggy!

Click on my blinkies to tour some of my favorite boards!
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August 1st, 2008, 02:11 PM
Chatterbox's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: TX
Posts: 3,870
I've been thinking of you. Your post moves me like your original posts did a year ago. I remember the pain I felt for you and your family and wished then and now that I could take it all away from you. You are such a strong woman - I hope you know that. *hugs* *hugs* *hugs* *hugs*

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August 1st, 2008, 02:29 PM
ilmsg's Avatar Veteran
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Connecticut
Posts: 417
Im so sorry you had to go through that. Thank you for sharing.
JEN - 33
TTC #1 since October 2006

Three Clomid/IUI cycles... all BFN
IVF #1: Transferred 2, BFN
IVF #2 (FET): Cancelled due to thin lining, converted to EFT cycle

*Abnormal EFT/biopsy...surgical hysteroscopy done to remove scarring and polyps*
Mock IVF cycle and repeat EFT is NORMAL!

FET transfer 10/27, BFP!!

#1 Beta: 11/5 - 44
#2 Beta: 11/7 - 145
#3 Beta: 11/14 - 4835
1st U/S: 12/2 - no h/b, waiting to m/c

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August 1st, 2008, 03:18 PM
DoulaMama's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 9,159
I'm so sorry. I cried along with you, seeing you holding your babies.

I wish things like this never happened.
Cheryl, mama to Noah Paul born 12/26/09, wife to wonderful hubby Rob
I am proudly a homebirthing, excluively breastfeeding from the tap, constantly babywearing, bed sharing, attached mama to a high needs baby. He is a part time diaper-free baby!

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August 1st, 2008, 03:29 PM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 20,588
i am so sorry Brandi

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August 1st, 2008, 03:55 PM
amberrose22's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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OH Brandi, I'm sitting here balling You tell your story with such heartfelt words that I truly wish I were there to give you a big huge hug. I know it seems like yesterday, and I have no idea what it feels like to lose a child, however I have gone through the pain of losing both of my parents and my only sibling before I reached the age of 20... time will eventually heal the wounds. You will never forget or never stop loving those two precious babies, but honey it does get better I promise.

Lots and lots of
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August 1st, 2008, 05:48 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Texas
Posts: 1,014
Oh hun, I'm so sorry and will say some extra prayers for you. I'm crying sitting here looking at the pictures. You are incredibly strong and I admire you so much for your strength. Some day, when the time is right, you will get your well deserved BFP.
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August 1st, 2008, 06:32 PM
Tresy's Avatar Veteran
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Northern California
Posts: 439
You are one of the strongest people I know! I hope and pray you get your little miracle VERY soon. Asher & Noah are lucky to have you as their Mommy & I know they are watching over you. Sending you lots of hugs today and on Sunday!
Brandy & Jason happily married since December 4th, 1998
6 rounds IVF before our BFP!!
DS Jacob Robert is the love of our lives!

Jake & Daddy in their Converse

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August 1st, 2008, 09:23 PM
KaseyMI's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
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Location: Michigan
Posts: 2,206
You are so strong! Thank you for sharing! I'm thinking of you alll!
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August 1st, 2008, 10:22 PM
Super Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 712
Brandi, I am very sorry you are having to go through this.I Pray that God touches your heart and it gets easier.You will see them again one day soon in heaven.I pray that God sends you peace and comfort.I hope that the next couple of days gets easier on you..Big Big hugs to you..
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