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Thanks for that, MIL.

Forum: Trying to Conceive with Medical Assistance


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December 29th, 2010, 09:45 AM
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 85
So with the holidays came the "when can we expect #2" questions from my MIL. FIL is now 5 years deceased, and DH is the youngest of three boys (and the only one who hasn't had a vasectomy, so we're the last chance my MIL has to hold babies). MIL is 72 and all her sons are 8-10 years apart.

I decided to be frank and tell her that we've been trying, it's not going so well (four failed Clomid cycles this year) and we're taking a break before pursuing more testing and different MA avenues. After being asked, I told her that we weren't sure if we would be willing to do IVF should it come down to it and we'd probably consider adoption instead.

She very matter-of-factly said that any adopted child wouldn't "be family" and that she would pray that I would get pregnant sooner. I told her I had the love in my heart for any child that I was blessed with, no matter how they came to my family. She said, "You have your daughter. You know you won't love another child who isn't yours."

Nice to know I have some GREAT support I can count on. *sigh*
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December 29th, 2010, 09:53 AM
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Wow, that's awful that she feels that way
My MIL hasn't said anything quite that negative about adoption, but when we've talked about it I can tell she isn't very excited about the idea. In fact, almost everyone I've talked to about adoption has acted like, "Oh, I hope it doesn't come to that....". What if it does? Will they see my adopted child as a disappointment or second best? It really bothers me.
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December 29th, 2010, 09:59 AM
mcmarlena's Avatar Pregnant Again!!
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Georgia
Posts: 2,179
I think at this point I wouldn't mind an adopted child. I want more children, have love for more children, and biological or not, I truly believe I'd love them the same.
Mitch and Marlena, proud parents to Devin, Liam, and Micah.

Team BLUE!! Two precious boys born on October 28th, 2013.
Liam - 6lbs 7oz
Micah - 6lbs 10oz

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December 29th, 2010, 10:15 AM
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 85
It was just soooo depressing to hear. I mean, it's bad enough that she doesn't get that we can't just look at one another and POOF be pregnant. I know technology has changed a lot and she is of a different generation, but even then some positive support would be nice. I'm so sick of hearing that all of the efforts we're putting into it are just making it worse (i.e. "just relax!"). So if I'm not aware of the only three days I have a decent shot at getting pregnant in any given cycle, I'll be better off? Or if I just stop taking things that improve egg quality, my eggs will suddenly be better? What the...? (OK I'll stop, I could go on and on with those!)

I feel like there would be less pressure on me if I knew adoption was an option. Then the completion of my family wouldn't 100% be on me. MIL is a rather callous person most times, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised. At least DH had the grace to be just as horrified at her reaction as I was. He said that we would create our own family as best we could, and if she doesn't think our children are "family" then maybe she's the one who doesn't belong. Thank God I married such a wonderful man.
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December 29th, 2010, 10:18 AM
Jacquie's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 8,973
I'm sorry, I don't even know what I would have said to that. I'm really sorry that she said that to you and that you don't have her support.
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December 29th, 2010, 12:43 PM
Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Texas
Posts: 976
Wow! I don't know how I would have responded to her. I am sorry that you don't have her support. She sounds like she is a witch!
~Tracey (42), mom to Reagan(born 08/07/11)

3 failed fresh IVFs, 1 failed FET
Surprise BFP in 12/10 after acupuncture & herbs!!
1 beautiful, perfect daughterl!

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December 29th, 2010, 12:58 PM
missy123's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Savannah GA
Posts: 13,418
I am so sorry she does not support you And adoption is a wonderful idea, we are going to adopt next year!

Pregnancy Loss April 2009, September 2010
CP 10/2008, 1/3/11 {missing my babies every single day}Mommy to 4 Children - 3 boys ages 22, 21 and 18 & baby Scarlett
After 2.5 years TTC with 4 losses our Family was given the gift of Miss Scarlett
Do not ever give up hope...

Miss Scarlett... Our miracle girl still brings happy tears to my eyes.

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December 29th, 2010, 01:51 PM
Posts: n/a
WoW I guess my family would be sh-*t out of luck in our case

Luckily, my FIL is adopted, so DH's family is obviously not opposed to adoption, and in my family, I have several adopted cousins...so everyone was on board with our decision to adopt, however, it wouldn't have changed our minds if someone opposed.

Good luck with everything...I'm excited to see you with a new baby, no matter HOW s/he enters your life
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December 29th, 2010, 02:41 PM
LindseyMarie's Avatar Professionally Awesome
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oh wow.... I would not have been able to talk to that! My family is actually very for adoption (Vs IVF.. but they are catholic and IVF is evil in their minds...)

I wish people could keep their opinion to themselves!

After years of trying, 2 years of fertility meds, multiple surgeries, blood draws and needle sticks, some awful pre-IVF complications, and endometriosis and PCOS,
We are done TTC. Praying for peace as we accept this...
Hoping for some comfort after our most recent (and 3rd) surgery and starting Lupron!

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December 29th, 2010, 05:19 PM
Just_Marie's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 28,175
wow, she sounds like a piece of work. I would pay money to be able to talk to that woman on the phone. Just for the record, you can love an adopted child as your own, if you choose to.

Lucky mother to five!

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December 29th, 2010, 06:50 PM
KDD's Avatar
KDD KDD is offline
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Yikes! I don't know how I would have responded to that.
Missing our Angel since April 11, 2008
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December 29th, 2010, 08:14 PM
LilSunshine's Avatar ♥ Super Moderator ♥
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 32,198
Oh wow. I'm sorry she feels that way and felt the need to share it with you.

September 2009 @ 6 weeks May 2011 @ 11 weeks
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December 30th, 2010, 07:20 AM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: *queen city* of North Carolina
Posts: 9,497
Some people just blow my mind...seriously.

Honestly though, I've always had the desire to one day adopt. After Hailey was born, I mentioned it in passing to DH and he said that he could never love another child the way he loved Hailey. I think it was fear talking. Over the years, he's said just that, and his primary concern now is the money factor in adoption.
Proud Mommy To My Princess (5)
Watching over us -- August 2005, March 2010, October 2010, July 2011
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December 30th, 2010, 08:13 AM
jesridge's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 1,456
That's horribly insensitive of her. I worry about feeling skeptical about adoption, but I think that is just because I'm so unfamiliar with it. It can be scary for people, I suppose. You don't want to get all finished with the process and realize you can't give all the love you can. (I would imagine it's hard not to, though!)

However, I think it's a really selfish thing to be concerned with DNA or inheriting genes when there are lots of babies that need loving parents-- people who have bio children AND those who are unable to conceive. Of course it seems natural to want a bio baby-- but it's not like adoption is a "last ditch effort" or anything like that... It's about loving and caring for a child, period. And that's natural too!

Sometimes people will never understand because they've never had to actually consider being in that position. It's really frustrating. I'm sorry she was so witchy!
& Rowan!

Born 12/30/11 and absolutely perfect!

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December 30th, 2010, 09:49 AM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: NY
Posts: 6,083
Wow! I can't believe that! She sounds kind of horrible I hope that you can find support elsewhere...
Alexandra Eva is here! Born 1/17/10 at 5:55pm. Weighing in at 6lbs, 8oz and 20 Inches Long!
Secondary Infertility Blog*~*http://onemunchkin.blogspot.com/ *~*

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December 30th, 2010, 10:22 AM
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Lucasville, Ohio
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wow, just wow. It's talk like that that could end in a fat lip. I wouldn't tolerate that at all and I would have told her that it makes her sound like a hag!! I can't believe that she feels that way about adoption! My grandmother was adopted and had she not been, I would probably not be here so I am very grateful for my great grandmother who gave my grandmother a chance at a better life. Sorry that you don't have the support you deserve. *HUGS*

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December 30th, 2010, 09:46 PM
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 85
Thank you so much you guys, that means a lot. I really think it's a matter of her not having to deal with infertility (she planned her family out exactly the way she wanted). I've always envisioned a large family for myself, and I think I will be lucky to have 2 (maybe 3) on my own. And really, I might not even be THAT lucky.

DH and I (long ago, pre-IF) had agreed that adoption and foster care wouldn't be out of the question for our family. We actually saw our family as a mix of both bio kids and adopted ones, but all loved nonetheless. I have a very big heart and I have just always loved children. I actually fear the adoption process more than anything; I feel like it would just break my heart if things didn't go well.
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