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Personal Question for those who used donor to get pregnant

Forum: TTC with Male Infertility


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October 26th, 2011, 02:11 AM
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 470
Thank you wookiemom, best to you and your DH with your new BFP !!! That's an amazing and undoubtedly long journey you have been on, I send you the BEST of vibes !!

I am , I'm torn on what to do if we are successful with this. I feel selfish but I'm not sure I want to know anything about the donor we ultimately choose. I will forever be grateful but It is something my husband and I have to discuss yet.

I checked our local PBS schedule and that film is on for us too, I've already let my DH know what we'll be watching tonight , thank you so much for that info. I hope to find some clarity with this movie.

I appreciate your post and again, best wishes to your family !!!
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October 26th, 2011, 09:18 AM
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 470

So my husband and I will be going the donor route for sure, I know I've asked tons of questions for those couples / person(s) who have also done this - in the state if WI you have to get "ok'd" by a psychologist before you can proceed with IUI- we're hoping to get in w/ the psych doc in November and start the IUI process Dec/ Jan. Obviously this is a pretty huge decision but for us it's either this or adoption and I know we want to try this way. My personal question to anyone who chooses to answer is this, have you decided to let your children know the way they were conceived and if so what age and what do you say to them? I'm nervous to decide this because I wonder how I would react, I'm so excited for my DH and I to start a family but I'm definitely nervous too.

I know this is particular question is a private matter so I won't take it personally if there are no responses.

Thank you as always for your time and I hope we continue to get closer to our dreams of being mommy's and daddy's.
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October 26th, 2011, 09:43 AM
Rowan's Mamma
Join Date: May 2011
Posts: 111
We also had to speak with a social worker (as it was a rule of my RE's office, not state - NY) before we had the IUI. It was made clear to us that they couldn't put the breaks on the procedure if we decided to tell our child or not tell- it was more to just flush out the emotions that go along with using donor. At the time, we were all for telling, and we made sure we chose an open donor so we could contact if we wanted to. However, there are some days where I totally understand the idea of not telling and just keeping things as is. I forget all the time that this is not my DH's "bio" child.... Maybe because I have been pregnant by him before? IDK.
We always knew we would be open with the amount of help we needed with our children in order to have him/her, but it can be daunting to throw into the mix biology. I've been keeping up a lot lately with DI blogs of children now adults - and how they feel about knowing, there are also several movies out now that have been very interesting. Tonight, actually, PBS is showing at 7:30 (East coast, of course) Donor 150 documentary movie (which I have been dying to see but have not been able to get my hands on it till now- it was highly publicized in the NY Times and did well at the film festival) and Style network has recently shown a show where a Donor has been getting in touch with his bio kids through the DSR. Slowly, there is more and more info coming out..... you just have to vigilant in locating it! If you ever need more info, please let me know, or PM me
Surprise Natural BFP, March 2004, miscarriage @ 6w (no testing)
IVF 1: October 2010 BFP, missed miscarriage @11 w 6 d (Turner's Syndrome)
FET 1: April 2011 BFP, missed miscarriage @ 9 w 2 d (Turner's Syndrome)
IUI w/ DS - 8/29/11, BFP on 9/10/11, beta 9/12/11 (172, 15dpiui).
Heartbeat 120, seen/heard at 6w4d. HB 10/14/11 (8w4d) was 175.
DS born 5/14/12 at 8:02 AM, 7 pds 3.5 oz 20 1/4 in Surprise Natural BFP March 2015...... 3/13/15 (7w3d) HB 142. 3/18/15 (8w1d) HB 161. 3/25/15 (9w1d) HB 185.
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October 27th, 2011, 09:21 AM
Sasix's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Maryland
Posts: 12,034
Just now seeing this post, I forget to check this board often.

We too had to see a social worker before we were cleared to do the IUI with donor sperm. Like Wookie's case, they wouldn't have stopped anything depending on our feelings about telling or not, it was just to flush out our emotions. DH & I had already discussed all this before we met up with the lady, but it was still helpful.

As far as telling, our immediate thoughts before we got pg, was to not keep it a secret. Our close family & friends know, but there is some hesitation from MIL, where she doesn't want us to tell anyone else ever, not even our son. Kinda odd in that she 100% supported us, and even helped financially to cover some of the costs when the insurance stopped coverage. But it is our decision, just as it is you & your DH's decision. And each of us has our own choices to make on telling & when to tell. I still feel that for us, we will tell our son. I honestly don't know when is the right time or how exactly to bring it up. Right now, we talk to our son daily about all sorts of stuff, and we've mentioned with hugs & cuddles how much we love him and that we went through so much to have our little blessing. He'll be 18 months next week, and I think that's about all the info I need to provide now that he'll understand. Next year, at 5 years, etc, I don't know.

Also, I forget most of the time that DS is not biologically my husbands. They are so crazy about each other, and such a joy to watch. When we chose the donor, we did choose someone with the same ethnicity and he had similar physical characteristics to my DH to.

Good luck!!! If I can help in any way, just PM me if I don't see these posts to answer questions.

Wookie - big congrats on your pg!!

Thanks Jaidynsmum for another perfect siggy!!
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October 27th, 2011, 03:15 PM
~ Nicole ~'s Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 4,925
Hello. We also have male fertility issues however I don't believe we will go the donor route however, I have a sister who has one child by donor and pregnant with the second also by donor. She has shared her entire journey with me and so the topic has been talked about quite a bit in my family. I understand wanting to avoid being reminded that your child was conceived through donor however you have to keep in mind the feelings of your future child and realize that when they find out how they were conceived they may be curious to know a bit about their donor and maybe see a photo if available. Especially when they reach teenage years and older when they are starting to discover who they are. Even though I am not a parent of a child conceived through donor I try to look at it as if I was in their shoes. I feel a child has a right to know their biology as it is a part of who they are. If not told and your child later finds out some how they might feel quite hurt that you did not tell them. I know if it were me I would want to know and be interested to know about my donor. Of course everyone is differant and some children may not care to know about their donor but in case they do care they should have some information available. I have never known an adopted child or child from donor who knew were they came from and did not still love both of the parents who raised them just as much. If the donor information bothers you than file it away and don't look into it. But for your future child you should keep it available in case they want to know more.

Me(35) DS(12) DS(14)

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October 28th, 2011, 07:54 AM
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 470
Thank you all, I have thought about this over the past few days and was able to see that movie Wookiemom mentioned ( Unknown Donor on PBS) did anyone else catch it ? I was crying while we watched and my DH wanted to know why and I think it was because I never even THOUGHT about a donor as a 'father' I think of my DH as a father and his family as our child's family, not 50 other 1/2 siblings and grandparents etc etc. It was weird for me to think of all that- my DH said it will be up to our child if he/she is interested in learning about their genetic make-up and that is their right as a person. After talking with him & hearing your thoughts I have to think telling our child where he/she comes from is a must & we have to let them decide how they want to pursue that information. I personally don't feel that I would want to know much more than the donor number but that might not be how our child views it and I have to respect their opinion. I don't want to be selfish and I want our child to be raised with an open mind. Again, thank you all for your words , it's helped me open my mind even more to this- like I said I didn't really think beyond the pregnancy phase, the baby phase and toddler phase. This kid will be a grown up one day and we have to do what's in their best interest.
GOOD LUCK TO ALL , we will be making our appt w/ the psych doc here soon and then it's time to go for it. Here's to a successful 2012 for us all !!
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October 28th, 2011, 01:29 PM
kayakr's Avatar Persuaded by POAS’ers
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,794
We have Male factor and my age is a factor. We are considering a donor egg with IVF/ICSI. We have given this question much thought.

From everything I have read and researched the majority say. Keep it a secrete from everyone. Eventually tell your child and IF your child wants to share the information with anyone else then they can. It's really up to the child. The last thing you would want is for someone to tell your child before you have a chance too.

Also- you would tell the child age appropriate information as they ask. They will eventually drag it out of you and you wouldn't want to lie. They will accept it like you present it. If you present it as a bad thing than they will take it that way. If you present it as the blessing it is and the miracle and awesomeness it is than that is how they will take it. If they want to share the news with family and friends then it would be entirely up to the child.

I don't even know if I agree with this - it's just what I've learned during all my research. Good luck to all you wonderful Ladies! Anything you decide will be perfect, perfect for your situation and for your family.
Me (43) DH(33) 12 years together - ttc our first together-I have 14yr old DS
Cycles 1-6 = BFN
Cycle 7 SA results abnormal morphology 2%, 50 mg clomid = BFN
Cycle 8 sonogram normal 50 mg clomid + trigger = BFN
Cycle 9 SA results abnormal morphology and motility. Count 200 mill, 100mg clomid + trigger = BFN
Cycle 10 natural = BFN
Cycle 11 hsg tubes clear, natural + trigger+IUI = BFN
Cycle 12 repronex + trigger + 2 IUI = BFN
Cycle 13 natural ovaries to stimulated for more meds = BFN
Cycle 14-22 natural cycle with Acupuncture and planning ivf/icsi/DE = ALL BFN
Cycle 23 Clomid 50 mg & Progesterone = BFN
Cycle 24 Natural = BFN
Cycle 25 BCP, SA result 7% morphology = BFN
Cycle 26 BCP and Lupron preparing for IVF
Cycle 27 IVF Acupuncture, DE Retrieval April 7, Transfer April 12 =
7 eggs retrieved, 3 fertilized, 2 transferred - zero snow babies
BETA # 1 16DPO or 11dp5dt = 569
BETA # 2 19 DPO or 14dp5dt = 1078
BETA # 3 22DPO or 17dp5dt = 2414 TWINS!
BETA # 4 30DPO or 25dp5dt = 12,685 6weeks 3days 2 heartbeats! 114 & 116
Clayton and Colton Born @ 34 weeks 11/22/13
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