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I feel so alone in this

Forum: TTC with Male Infertility


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January 11th, 2012, 09:25 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: long island, ny
Posts: 1,247
my hubby aint really sensitive towards my feelings, i feel he don't understand me. i've been crying and sad at times. it's been 7 mths, i'm praying we concieve this cycle. with his low sperm count, he didn't ask for numbers etc. he threw out the piece of paper so nothing to help us, h i think he feels embaressed & ashamed he has low sperm count. he should have gone back again. i would like to have a talk with him, about seeing in a month or two if we don't concieve to see if the counter booster has upped his sperm count and go back to have it tested again. he doesnt like talking about it, he keeps all his feelings in. it worries me...i am going to bring it up at counseling, we've been going for a few months, it's helped us greatly. we felt we are stable in the relationship to be ttcing and now i'm not so sure...

i really hate the fact he can't get me pregnant and it's putting a strain on our relationship. i hate this. we are going to be using preseed, we tried it in 2010, didnt like it, but we'll try again. i want this to work. i know i'm desperate for this to work. i feel so empty i can't give him a child. i'm so emotional. i just hate seeing BFN's constantly it's driving me mad. When i got pregnant with nick, it was first try. But he's not nick's father. I always wonder if i knew larry couldn't get me pregnant would i've stayed with him? I know i feel really guilty for thinking that. I love my husband dearly. i don't want to ever leave. But i don't understand why we can't be blessed with a child of me & him it's not fair. i want to make our son a big brother. i just find it unfair. this whole thing is like a big joke... , our relationship has been through so much. i just want a happy bfp that would be great. more than anything. i'm not going on any trips, i decided having a baby was more important. plus i want to save my money for nick and our future child. i am blessed having nick, i just have this gut feeling i'll never get pregnant, like its not in the cards, maybe this is the way it's supposed to be, really screwed up though. i feel so guilty for feeling like this. i hate getting judged it don't matter how long you've been ttc as i see it, everyone mostly goes through this and its suxs. i feel so drained, tired, like why bother, we just have sex for fun and us not using any protection, b/;c he can't get me pregnant why bother wasting condoms we don't need to. i've been realizing it's timeto accept it. a part of me dont want to....

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January 12th, 2012, 09:55 AM
neji's Avatar Veteran
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: MA
Posts: 208
You are totally not alone. My husband has no sperm and he is the same way. It is so hard to get him to go to the doctor and even when I make the appointments he tries very hard to find a reason to cancel. Just today he almost canceled an appoint that I scheduled three months ago because of a tiny bit of snow that later turned to rain. I was so mad!! Thankfully he went.
It's good that you are in counseling. Does he see the counselor on his own also? He may be able to open up more and share his feelings without you in the room. It sounds like your husband is hurting. It's hard to feel compassion for someone who seems to be sabatoging your efforts by not going to the doctor and trying new options. I think its hard for them to go because there's usually bad news. To my husband, going to the doctor was like getting a bfn after being so hopeful. It helps to think that this is his way of dealing with it and try to get him talking about it. I think a lot of men worry that their partners will leave them for someone else who is fertile.
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January 12th, 2012, 10:27 AM
Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 998
You can call the clinic where he had the SA or the doctor who ordered it and ask for the results on the phone let them know your his wife and they will give the SA results to you.

I understand your frustration because my husband also was diagnosed with a low count and we have TTC for 3 years , my husband took HCG shots and tamoxifen and it did increase his count alot so were hoping for a BFP soon . he does not want to go to the doctors anymore for assistance in TTC so I do home ICI and I also do home SA .

I feel counceling can help you two work though this .
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January 12th, 2012, 11:58 AM
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 470
I feel your frustration Mommy to Nico- My husband's body doesn't produce sperm and the medicine he was on didn't help either- we've decided to proceed with IUI using a sperm donor- I know this is hard for my hubby but he's accepted what we've been dealt with and I too hope your hubby realizes he's not alone & can accept the situation. I've felt the way you felt and it takes everything in your power not to scream at the top of your lungs. The feeling of ' why us ' can be overwhelming as hope escapes your mind. Being constantly surrounded with women and men annoucing baby # 1, # 2 etc etc... you hate feeling resentful but it's really hard not to. I don't know what the future holds for my husband and I any more than what holds for you and your family but I know one thing , we all deserve a chance to share the love we hold in our bodies and minds with something so small as a child & I sincerely wish you and your husband are able to share that experience together & with your older son. Always remember, you are not alone in this. While you might not have someone around you 24/7 , all the women on this board are going or have gone through similiar experiences. Keep posting.
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January 12th, 2012, 04:12 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: long island, ny
Posts: 1,247
My hubby wont see a counselor by himself, he feels he doesn't need to, plus he don't feel comfortable talking with someone he don't know about personal things. he said he'll be going back to that doctor if they accept his insurance b/c it got changed and also seeing if he could get any advice after being on counter booster for 2 mths if we don't concieve by March.

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January 12th, 2012, 07:32 PM
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,438
Sorry to hear that you are going through this. Has your husband been checked for a varicocele. My DH's sperm count was pretty low and he was diagnosed as having a varicocele. His count was so low that they said that we didn't qualify for an IUI even as they wouldn't have enough sperm. We scheduled his surgery and 2 wks before his surgery we found out we were pregnant after 10 months of trying. For 9 months I tempted, used OPKs, stressed over symptoms, when I was ovulating, timing BDing right. After 9 months of it not working I realized to myself that it would not work until we had the surgery because I knew I had timed when ovulation was too the T and my cycles were completely regular. On our 10th month I had given up. I knew in my mind it wasn't going to work, I stopped temping, using opks, everything. That month it did work. Remember it only takes one. I truely believe now that the stress of actively TTC prevents us from actually conceiving. I think that is why there are so many easy accidental pregnancies because they aren't stressing about TTC and just having fun. Now our pregnancy didn't end happily but we are going to TTC again soon and DH has had his surgery now so hopefully it comes easier for us this time but this time I am not going to stress about it and just BD for fun and I truely think it will happen easier for us this time. Good luck to you and your DH.

Thank you peimum for my siggy
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January 12th, 2012, 09:46 PM
Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: long island, ny
Posts: 1,247
lol i can't have fun with sex, unfortunately 7mths of not ttc has made me more agatated, stressed, upset, angry, mad, the list goes on, i feel like we'll never get pregnant. i just can't relax and i feel so bad i take it out on my hubby, i feel so guilty. i am thinking of taking a break by March-April, if we don't concieve and take a vacation possibly. i just want to be pregnant. omg i'm really driving myself crazy. i bought opk's and pre seed and i want to see if i'm ovulating b/c you can have a period and not ovulate i heard. im going to my gyn as well tommorow. i want to make sure things are ok.

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February 8th, 2012, 06:43 AM
Sasix's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Maryland
Posts: 12,034
I'm late in responding, but also wanted to say I too understand how you feel. It was a shock to us when we found out we were dealing with severe MFI, and I felt so alone. JM and the friends I have made here, helped me get through it all. The day we got the news, I sat there with tears just streaming down my face. No one IRL that I knew of was going through this, it was actually a JM friend that I called that day. Everyone seemed to get pg so easily, and it was (and still is even now) hard to see and hear about. With us, my DH has zero sperm due to a chromosome issue he was born with, meds/surgery wasn't even an option for us. We have zero chance of ever having a child biologically from the 2 of us. We found that out after we had been TTC for over a year. After taking a few months off to deal emotionally with that, we both decided we still wanted to be parents and it would just be a different road for us to get there. After looking at adoption and donor sperm, we chose to proceed using donor sperm. We were blessed with our DS who will be 2 in a couple of months. We would love another LO, but haven't decided yet which route to go this time. I wish you the very best of luck!!

Thanks Jaidynsmum for another perfect siggy!!
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