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Forum: Adoption


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August 5th, 2009, 10:38 AM
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 135
I've read in some adoption blogs about adoptions where the children don't bond well with their new families...now I'm terrified that if we adopt the child will hate us and never love us. We would like to have a child that 3-5 years old, so maybe he/she won't have as many bonding/attachment issues. Do any of you that have adopted from foster care have these issues? Or was it a fairly smooth transition? Does your child call you mommy/daddy, mother/father, etc.? Do they bring up their birth parents a lot or ask why they were abandoned? I'd love to hear your experiences and stories!!!
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August 5th, 2009, 12:09 PM
SarahBethsMommy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 4,847
The other moms who have adopted can answer this question better. I know it's been a worry with us too. There are children who have a disorder that is called RAD (reactive attachment disorder) where they just don't attach to people anymore. It is usually caused from excessive moving of the children to different homes, major neglect, etc. A big thing is that NOT ALL CHILDREN get this. In other words, one child who has been moved around a ton may not experience the RAD symptoms, another who has been moved not as much does. There are many therapies to help with this, but as I understand it, RAD is very hard to get through but it can be done!

Other less severe attachment disorders are out there too. That is a main reason that it is recommended that you get a good child psychologist who works with foster/adoptive children. It is just plain out hard for a child to move into a home where they don't know anyone and be expected to be happy about it.

I wouldn't expect a child who was moved directly into my home to call me mom right away. But eventually I'd hope they would trust me enough to think of me as mom and then call me that.

Smooth transistions are relative. I guess I'd say, go into this knowing that you'll have issues. Some will be major. It won't be easy. Your child might at some point say they hate you. (I have friends who this happens to and they say, "Hate me all you want, I'll just keep on loving you.") But find those good moments and hold on to them and know that in the long run with the right therapies and such, there will be more good than bad.

I think of it as a marriage. You have to grow to truly love each other and work at it everyday for it to work as it should.

Thank you to AlexAiden Mommy for my beautiful siggie!
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August 11th, 2009, 10:10 PM
Just_Marie's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 28,175
We were very lucky in that we adopted our boys at birth, they won't know another mom but me for a long time. I was leary about adopting kids over 18 months d/t attachment issues.

Lucky mother to five!

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August 12th, 2009, 06:50 AM
eash's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Dec 2005
Posts: 1,969
Please read some books on attachement before you adopt. There are two great books focusing on older children:
The Weavers Craft
Attaching in Adoption

These book are imperative if you plan on adopting an older child.
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August 12th, 2009, 07:48 AM
SarahBethsMommy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 4,847
I really loved the book, "Adopting the Hurt Child" speaking of books on attachment disorders.

Thank you to AlexAiden Mommy for my beautiful siggie!
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August 12th, 2009, 09:14 AM
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 135
Definitely! My cousin gave us a book called Positive Parenting with A Plan by Matthew A. Johnson. It sets up and establishes Family rules, hierarchy, rewards and "punishments (chore cards)". My cousin went through a rough divorce with a drug addicted (now ex) husband. Her 5-6 year old son would come home crying saying that his Daddy said he was the seed of the devil that grew in his mommys tummy and all this off the wall crap. Then he tried to make her look like the bad parent and called social services on her for making him do chores and clean up after his pets. The kid got so messed up he was physically and verbally abusing her and was uncontrollable. She took him to therapy and with the book he's now the most loving and wonderful child. He's even donated his old clothes to us for his new cousin! He told us that he was very excited to be getting a new cousin that wasn't a baby, even though he didn't know how that was possible. We explained how some kids don't have mommies and daddys and we wanted one of those kids. He thought that was super cool! He even packed 3 costumes for the new child because he said every boy NEEDS a costume. Isn't that so sweet?
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August 14th, 2009, 12:09 AM
mswordwiz's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: ATL
Posts: 1,902
We got extremely lucky with Leigh/Brandon. We were their first and last home outside of their bio family. It was not easy in the beginning mainly because of a lifestyle change (we do not live in a rural area in a trailer and get food from Mickey D's every meal).

Our Teen, different story. It is an adjustment on both of our parts, but her attitude has changed since we actually filed the papers for her adoption. Other families had promised they would, and she got moved to another foster family time after time. She found out we meant it. Life has been pretty good since her finalization.

Go slow, you cannot expect a child who's life has been turned upside down and inside out to suddenly become the perfect child. Find a counselor to help with transitioning. With our kiddos backgrounds, this has been the key to a good transition to life with us.
And now there are 6....
Traci 14
Leigh 9
Brandon 6
Suzanne (1-18-2009)
Kyle & Luke (1-22-2009)

"Anyone engaging in illegal financial transactions will be caught and persecuted." --George W. Bush, Washington, D.C., Sept. 19, 2008

Another day, another 72% for the same work, different pay......
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