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May sound silly...(Strength in loving the adopted)

Forum: Adoption


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May 11th, 2010, 06:40 AM
Join Date: Oct 2009
Posts: 14
This may sound silly or cruel to some..

But I have just learned recently that I can not have kids of my own and I want to have kids for sure. This means my option available will be to adopt.

I am struggling with the grief of not being able to have my own children but want to simply know if there are ways or words that could be used to guide me to love an adopted child as my own. I know it would be mine, but something in me still hurts and im sorry if that sounds mean.

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May 11th, 2010, 08:27 AM
SarahBethsMommy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 4,847
I'm so sorry for your loss!! And it is a loss! Infertility is, sadly, a silent pain too many women have to deal with without others understanding at all.

For me, loving the child wasn't an issue. But I am sad and hurt daily to see kids who should have wonderful lives being abused, hurt, or just losing those they love. I am jealous a LOT of the women who have children so easily and do nothing "right" while I have to work so hard to have children and they haven't turned out healthy yet.

Do know this, though, I've heard from countless good loving parents who said when they had their biological children there wasn't an instant bond that they thought there would be. They worried something was wrong with them. But the bond came soon enough and now, of course, they would do anything for that child. So adopted children can be the same. Sometimes the baby or child is placed in your arms and you feel instantly bonded. Other times it takes a bit of time.

It also depends on the route you go. I'm a foster-to-adopt mommy so many of the kids who come to me are older and have had hard times in their lives. They have more trouble bonding. I've heard that said of many international adoptions as well due to the orphanage situations in those countries. A private adoption where you receive the baby right at birth seems to be the way most people bond the quickest.

Personally biology doesn't make a family, I think. A family is about committment and love first.

And do take some time to grieve. You have that right!! It is ok that you are hurting, though I'm sorry for it.

Thank you to AlexAiden Mommy for my beautiful siggie!
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May 11th, 2010, 09:07 AM
SuperMartianRobotMom6's Avatar Proud Mama & Happy Wife
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: New York
Posts: 3,968
Im so sorry for your loss, it truly is heart breaking. My family suffers from infertility, so I seemingly understand where your comming from. Adoption is a beauitful way to have children, its also hard and risky. Ill pray for you and your family that you find the right child or children to complete it.

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May 11th, 2010, 07:47 PM
eash's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Dec 2005
Posts: 1,969
I think the fact that you admit that you might not automatically love them immediately is a good sign. I worry about the parents who jump up and say "I am going to worship my adopted kid because they were brought to me and it was fate, blah blah blah." It takes time to bond with any child and any parent who says otherwise is kidding themselves. You will love your adopted child and you will bond to them. I promise that you will look at them and see nothing but your own child. My son looks nothing like me, is another race, and I see my son only when I look at him. You will too, but it will take some time.

Good luck and please keep us updated.
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June 8th, 2010, 11:04 PM
xanada101's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 3,745
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I'm a lurker here, but.....

I suffered with infertility and was lucky to be able to IVF.... even after everything we went through to get my daughter... I did NOT feel an instant bond with her. I was kind of shocked that I didn't. It grew over the first several weeks/months, now I cannot EVER imagine my life without her.

My sister has done 2 international adoptions... her first was adopted at 2.... and other than the difference in race, you would never be able to tell that she was adopted. They have 5 children total, 3 biological and 2 adopted. You can totally see though that my sister and BIL love her just as much as their biological children. They have had struggles... but they are a family and are overcoming them together.

Sorry if this is rambling or seems a bit choppy but I am super tired LOL

Good Luck!
Thank you Jaidynsmum for my beautiful siggy

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June 9th, 2010, 05:22 AM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Minnesota
Posts: 8,103
I'm sorry for your loss as well. I was right there about 6 months ago when we decided that biology didn't matter to us. We just wanted to be parents. Even knowing that adoption was the right path for us to take, I did have to deal with the grief and loss of knowing I may never be pregnant or have any biological children. After struggling with infertility for nearly 3 years, it just became clear to us that we will love and bond with a child no matter how they come into our lives. You will too!

Yet another wonderful siggy by HeatherW.... thank you so much!!!

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