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questions about fostering to adopt

Forum: Adoption


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November 27th, 2010, 10:10 PM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 6,700
not for me, but a high school classmate of mine.

she and her hubby became foster parents to a sweet baby boy 2 years ago. well, they signed "Commitment to Adopt" papers and then not long after that, the state ending up taking him and placing him with his biological grandmother. they were obviously heartbroken and are concerned that the grandmother is not fit to care for him, and has too many people already living in her home. they are rounding up friends and family to call and give statements to their case worker, i'm not sure if that will have any effect on reversing the decision, but they are hopeful to get him back.

has anyone here had any similar experience? IMO if they made a commitment, so should the state (louisiana) and not rip him out of the only real home he's ever known.

she is pretty depressed over the situation, and just posted on FB that she is tired of people telling her "this is why i could never foster...." and I guess felt more secure b/c they were in the process of adopting. But i guess it just goes to show you never know what can happen.
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November 28th, 2010, 10:36 AM
SarahBethsMommy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 4,847
Yes... it is very hard. We were committed to adopt our sweet foster son about 3 months after he came into our home (he was in another foster home for 10 months before that). As SOON as we signed those papers his bio dad finally decided to get his paternity test done so he could have his rights too. Fast forward 2 more years and right before they were reunited with bio grandma (on dad's side) she decided to stop fighting for him and relinquished all rights. Now he is available for adoption again. He's been in our home the whole time, but it has been a long emotional draw-out process.

As foster parents, we are all well aware of what can happen. Even foster to adopt parents know what can happen. It doesn't help when people say stuff like, "That is why I could never foster." Or, "I'd get too attached." Of course we get attached... of course our hearts are torn in two when they are reunited, but it isn't about us. So I understand your friend's comment about that.

If the home is unfit for the child, he'll come back into care and probably be sent back to the home he was in (your friend's). The state will monitor (or should... my county is amazing, others aren't so much from what I hear) them closely for about a year to make sure everything is ok. It really isn't the fault of the state... it is just a broken system. Most state workers are amazing and really are in it for the kids, but their hands are tied in a lot of ways. If a relative resource is out there they have to allow the child to be with that relative.

And for the signing a commitment to adopt, the state has to have an identified resource, but they are doing what is called "concurrent planning." Basically the child has two goals... the first is always reunification with biological family. The second is the "back-up plan" and is usually adoption by current foster parents (or identified resource or something like that).

I'm so sorry for your friend. It is never easy... especially with a child who you have cared for for so long!

Thank you to AlexAiden Mommy for my beautiful siggie!
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November 29th, 2010, 06:45 AM
Zoostergirl's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 7,840
That must have been very difficult. Biological family always comes first though. They made that pretty clear to us in our trainings.

We had a little girl leave after about two years. We were the only home/family she had ever known. It hurts like hell, but that's the way it goes. I would advise your friends to seek some therapy and spend some time grieving however necessary. But I wouldn't advise them to fight this or rock the boat. It wouldn't change anything and it would damage their relationship with their agency if they ever intend on fostering again.

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