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Need some advice (friend's m/c mentioned)

Forum: Waiting to Try to Conceive


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August 14th, 2011, 11:41 AM
(not so patiently) WTTC
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Southern CA
Posts: 2,203
So a good friend of mine found out she was unexpectedly expecting last week. On Friday she started having some bleeding and ended up in the ER last night and it's a confirmed loss. She is totally devestated. I've never expirienced this, or have known anyone personally that has...

So my question is..is there anything I can/should do for her? I feel so helpless as a friend
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August 14th, 2011, 12:17 PM
sweet.hun's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Ohio
Posts: 7,694
Basically, just be there and listen to her if she needs a shoulder to cry on. The one thing that hurt me more than anything was my friends distanced themselves from me after my miscarriage. They didn't know what to say, so they said nothing at all, and I felt like a leper.

Maybe buy her a nice card and some flowers. Also the one friend who did stick it out with me, had made me some cookies which i thought was so nice of her.
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August 14th, 2011, 12:47 PM
Carwen*Angel's Avatar Fly away on my zephyr
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Location: Manchester, UK
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I agree, just being there to listen, offer hugs and make the tea means the most in these sorts of situations. You can also tell your friend "if there's anything you need ask me".

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August 14th, 2011, 01:25 PM
LittleLucy's Avatar Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 40
I've never been pregnant, so never had a loss. But, I've had friends that have. Everyone copes with them differently. One of my friends never wanted to talk about it. My other friend found comfort in talking about, in my hugs and appreciated that I let her cry on me. Follow her cues and lead..
I'm really sorry for your friends loss.
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August 14th, 2011, 02:48 PM
host of wttc
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: derbyshire uk
Posts: 3,770
i agree hun ust be there for her hun. when i had my m/cs i felt very alone. i did find it helped to say goodbye to my babies but if she just found out she might not need or want to do that.

thank you to babydoll213 for my sig
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August 14th, 2011, 02:59 PM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 10,537
Ask her how she needs you to be there. Some people need to talk about it and others want to keep it to themselves, so I would just find out from her what it is that she wants right now.

When my SIL had her miscarriage, she didn't want to talk about it and didn't want anybody bringing it up, so I didn't talk about it but left the door open that if she ever needs me, I am here. Now, she is pregnant again and is able to talk about it more openly.
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August 14th, 2011, 03:35 PM
1InSummerland's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: San Antonio, TX
Posts: 1,185
I agree with what everyone else has said. Just let her know that you are there for her and that she can talk to you. The hardest part for me has been that my friends and family, not knowing what to do, haven't offered to listen and when I do try to talk about it, they try to change the subject because it makes them uncomfortable. My sister actually gets annoyed when I try to talk to her about my loss!

So just give her lots of hugs and let her know that your ear is open. Also, it may take a while for the loss to really register with her. I know I was in shock for the first week or so and then it just hit me and I cried constantly.

You can also offer to do a girls night in (many women need some time to recover before going out and seeing other people, especially since going out means potentially seeing pregnant strangers) and bring comfort foods, a favorite movie or game, and some nail polish for DIY manicures.

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August 14th, 2011, 04:49 PM
plan4fate's Avatar I may bend, but not break
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Location: Wisconsin
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everyone's had good ideas!

I've been through this so often, and no one ever knows how to help. But they always ask. "what can we do for you".

If you ask her what she needs, she will tell you. If she says nothing, don't press it, just let her know the door is open.
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August 14th, 2011, 07:40 PM
Aillidh's Avatar Nár lagaí Dia do lámh!
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Somewhere in NY
Posts: 8,491
I like everyone else's ideas...

I'm so sorry for your friend's loss.
Finnegan [11.29.15] & Sullivan [08.03.17]
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August 14th, 2011, 08:58 PM
KaylynnandAddisonsMommy's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Fayetteville NC
Posts: 2,226
Oh Ashley, I 'm so sorry for your friends loss :-/
My 1st pregnancy I miscarried. I went to my 12 wk apt and found out the baby was gone at 9 wks....3 wks and I NEVER knew..No bleeding, hurting or nothing. So I had to have a DNC....It was rough, I sometimes sit and wonder what the babies sex was, what he or she would've looked like...etc. Then with my girls I was such a trainwreck scared something would go wrong...Thank God I have 2 healthy girls! <3 I suggest most of all support, always let her know if she needs to talk or if she isn't ready to talk about it totally understandable. Hugs to your friend <3

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