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Is it possible to be an AP parent but have a non AP baby?

Forum: Attachment Parenting


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August 4th, 2009, 07:23 PM
snlemon's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 6,657
I ask this becuase it seems like my son hates everything that's AP.

We coslept from the beginning, and bedshared soon after we brought him home. Lately I just had this gut feeling that he needed to be moved to the crib becuase he went from sleeping long stretches at night to staying awake all night and it was for an extended period of time. I moved him to the crib (couldn't even look at the cosleeper that night without wanting to bawl) and about panicked and thought he was dead because he slept for almost 7 hours straight, which was longer than he has slept his entire life.

He doesn't like being breastfed as much as he likes the bottle. I've only given him a bottle twice...once in the hospital by a nurse to check his suck reflex becuase he refused to bf. Once recently of clean pumped milk (he has a milk protein allergy). He just goes to town on the bottle and while on the breast he pulls off all the time and rarely nurses for more than 5 minutes before he wants to switch sides...and he whines, like true high pitched I have a toddler in the house whining.

He hates being held when he's sleepy and crying. I only know this becuase I've tried to hold him and he just gets louder and louder and louder and nothing can console him but if I put him down he calms down slowly and will just on and off cry if he looses his pacifier.

Should I just forget worrying about following the guidlines of AP and just do what works for my kid? I feel like this is a first time mom thing becuase I feel like every parenting method out there is chiding me when my baby is crying. CIO people would be mad becuase I go in and pick him up to make sure he doesn't need something else and is indeed just tired, AP people would be mad becuase I just let him cry for as long as he needs to go to sleep.

70% of me feels like I should just throw out all the books and do what I need to do and 30% of me feels like the parent police are out to get me and I'm going to ROYALLY screw my kid up. (I've already broken down crying becuase the babywise book said my kid was going to have ADD becuase at 6 weeks he wasn't sleeping through the night...of course I'm paraphrasing just a tad but I did cry and I did throw the book across the room)

I think I just need some reassurance that I'm really not screwing him up.
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August 4th, 2009, 08:12 PM
Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 6,966
I think you are doing fine. If he sleeps better in the crib then I would just let him sleep in the crib. If he is fussing more when you are holding him when he is sleepy but will calm down when you put him down then I would do that.. I am not sure what else to say but follow the babies cues. To be AP there is not set way you have to do things. Some babies do not need to be or want to be held alot. My grandma said my mom did not like being held when she was a baby. All babies are diffrent. Jay my oldest did not need to be held alot and Jonathan needed to be held alot.
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August 5th, 2009, 06:49 AM
lmarie13's Avatar Super Mommy
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Florida
Posts: 622
For me AP is reading my child's cues and signals. Knowing them and what they need.

Ava would not breastfeed. She would not have it. Period. But, she co-slept, loved to be worn, etc. She still wants to sleep with us a lot at 2 yo. She would still be worn if she wasn't *huge* for her age.

Noah, he only co-slept for a few months. Then I could tell he wanted/needed his own space. So he sleeps in his crib. He is not a big fan of being worn. He hated the hot sling, I got him to hang out in the Beco for a few months, but he gets sick of it after awhile and cries and wants out. He is not very cuddle bug anymore, he'd rather explore.

My kids are very opposite of one another, but I still consider myself a very AP mommy. Because I follow their signals.

As far as Babywise. If that were true I'm in big big trouble because my son will be 11 months old in a few days and he still doesn't sleep through the night.

Heck, I'll be 30 this year and there are times *I* don't sleep through the night. I'm thirsty, or hungry, or can't sleep, etc. I figure babies are the same way.

(((HUGS))) Momma! You are doing a great job!

*thank you mom2*lauryn*jacob* for my adorable siggy!*

Cloth-diapering, baby-wearing, co-sleeping, natural birthing Mama of 2
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August 5th, 2009, 08:33 AM
beck12's Avatar Platinum Supermommy
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Michigan
Posts: 12,330
AP really is just misunderstood. There are things many AP moms use as tools (like baby wearing, etc) but they aren't "AP". The only thing that really determines if you are AP or not is whether you respond to YOUR child's cues/needs. If you let your child CIO because you want them to learn to self soothe or to go to sleep without your assistance, that is NOT AP. If your child falls asleep faster & calmer by being laid in a crib than by cuddling/rocking....that isn't CIO.... It is all about your child.

As far as the BF thing....that will change. Give it time. Three months is still very early in the BF relationship. At that age my LO was a fussy nurser at times. Stick with it, it will change. There are sooooo many phases they go through & this is likely just one of them. My lil guy had reflux so he would pull off & cry & rear back, etc....and there were times I really wondered if it was worth it. Now I don't wonder, as it all ironed out in the end & he ended up a total booby addict....and mind you I had to start him on day time bottles at 6 weeks because I was back to work & an hour away....so he had to deal with bottles/nipple confusion/nipple preference, etc. MANY babies prefer a bottle nipple simply because it is so much easier.... Heck I think sometimes now that if my DH could unhinge his jaw & dump his whole plate of food in at once he would...LOL It's really the same thing. Just lack of patience.
B - Crazy momma to my two boys
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August 5th, 2009, 08:51 AM
broxi3781's Avatar Mega Super Mommy
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: belfast, northern ireland
Posts: 1,563
All babies are AP because AP is just responding to the childs needs. However not every childs needs are the same, so what works for most AP parents mightnt work for you.
If your child sleeps better in a cot, then great as long as everyone is rested and happy there is no problem. It wouldnt work for us, Ian wont even sleep in the bed for more then 20 minutes if he isnt touching me, but he is different child.
You might try wearing him in a sling to sleep if he isnt happy just bf'ing to sleep, being rocked wlaked etc... If to much stumulation is upsetting a sling can be quite calming, that said Billy HATED it, as he hated being swaddled or anything that kept him from kicking about feeely, but it does help most babies.
As to babywise, I think that is one of the worst books ever and has several serious health concerns, but if every child not sleeping through the night at an early age ended up ADHD then the whole world barring america, canada and western europe would be adhd. Most babies dont sttn, they are now meant to, and even where they do alot has to do with semantics. I say Ian usually sttn because he sleeps from about 11:30 pm until 7:30, (he is 1 yr) but if I laid him down at 7:30 pm he would be up at 3:30 am and we would think we had sleep problems. I would have sleep deprivation problems if i had to get up and more or less stay up at 3:30 every morning!
I love dr sears and some of the parenting authors, others i find pure rubbish, but my favourite saying comes from Bowlby who says as long as mother is acting out of love and tenderness she wont go far wrong by following her own instincts.
Yes she will make some mistakes somewhere, we all will no matter what style of parenting or how many books we read, but follow your maternal instincts and you wont go too far wrong.
Good luck.
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August 5th, 2009, 02:48 PM
ItalySarah's Avatar Proud Attached Mommy
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 11,408
I agree with what everyone else has already said. AP is absolutely about following your child's cues. Bella started sleeping in her crib at 7 weeks because she just did better with it. She was a very high needs baby in the beginning. I nursed her 24/7 because she needed it.

Hang in there. You are doing great, just follow your instincts. That is the most important thing in raising your child!

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